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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • Israel Wins Battle of Rafah [semi-satire]

    09/18/2024 11:31:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Sep 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, Israel announced its victory in the battle of Rafah in which four battalions of Hamas fighters were destroyed in the four months of fighting. This was a battle that Democrat nominee for president Vice President Kamala Harris urged them not to fight. "It wasn't because I didn't think they couldn't win this battle," Harris said. "It was because I thought they shouldn't win such a battle. It would cause too many civilian casualties and push the eventual establishment of a Palestinian state even further into the future." Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called the victory "essential to winning...
  • Federal Debt Bankrupting the Country [semi-satire]

    09/17/2024 10:29:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Sep 2024 | John Semmens
    Right now, the trillion dollars per year interest payments on federal debt exceed the entire budget of the Department of Defense. Former President Trump warns "this will bankrupt the country. We won't have the money to pay for anything else--no roads, no schools, no military, no medical care. We desperately need the government efficiency commission I have proposed for my second term." Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen called Trump's warning "unduly pessimistic. The federal government is not limited in the same way that a household or business is limited when it comes to acquiring the money it needs to...
  • Biden Outwits MAGA Extremists [semi-satire]

    09/16/2024 4:24:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Sep 2024 | John Semmens
    In a campaign event at a fire station in Shanksville, Pennsylvania President Biden was photographed wearing a Trump 2024 MAGA hat. White House senior deputy press secretary Andrew Bates credited the President for "his skillful avoidance of a potential hostage situation. He was surrounded by MAGA extremists. He could've easily been killed at any moment. Using the wits that many Republicans insist he doesn't have, he grabbed a MAGA hat and put it on his head. The MAGA folks were mollified and allowed him to leave unharmed." Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) demanded "an FBI investigation to see if...
  • Joy and Unity Campaign Advised [semi-satire]

    09/16/2024 11:48:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Sep 2024 | John Semmens
    Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) went on CNN's "The Lead" and disagreed with Jake Tapper's assumption that "Vice-President Harris needs to let people know where she stands on specific policies and how her policies will affect them," saying "I advised both Harris and Walz to avoid doing anymore interviews. Their joy and unity campaign has already gotten them the lead in the polls." "You know, FDR, the greatest Democrat of all-time, ran on a similarly vague campaign with a catchy show tune 'Happy Days Are Here Again' and a non-specific 'new deal' and won in a landslide," Clyburn pointed out. "Why...
  • Pope Gives Election Advice [semi-satire]

    09/15/2024 10:01:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Sep 2024 | John Semmens
    Pope Francis had little positive to say about either Vice-President Kamala Harris or former President Donald Trump as a presidential contender. One the one hand, he called Trump's opposition to welcoming immigrants "a grave sin." On the other hand, he likened Harris' support for abortion to "approving assassination." He advised voters to "choose the lesser evil" when they cast their ballots. Former Catholic and current Lutheran Gov. Tim Walz called this "the endorsement we didn't expect, but are grateful to have. As I understand it, a 'grave sin' is something that can never be forgiven. An 'assassination' that is freely...
  • ABC Denies Covertly Aiding Harris [semi-satire]

    09/14/2024 3:23:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Sep 2024 | John Semmens
    An ABC News spokesperson vehemently asserted "we never gave the Harris campaign any debate questions in advance or helped her in any covert manner. Anyone who watched the debate saw for themselves that all of the assistance we gave to Vice-President Harris was overt. In the month prior to the debate 100% of our coverage of the Harris/Walz campaign was favorable. Meanwhile 93% of our coverage of the Trump/Vance campaign was unfavorable and 7% merely acknowledged known facts like Trump is a convicted felon." ABC's Lindsey Davis admitted "in the Biden/Trump debate the CNN moderators allowed statements that weren't refuted...
  • Tim Walz's Innate Masculinity Hailed [semi-satire]

    09/12/2024 11:14:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 September 2024 | John Semmens
    An article in Salon Magazine written by Christopher Cotton asserts that "only a person secure in his masculinity would order schools to stock boys' restrooms with tampons. The Democratic nominee for vice-president Minnesota Governor Tim Walz is such a man. He is the perfect fit for the post-patriarchy world that a President Kamala Harris will thrust upon this country and the world." Walz said "Christopher Cotton describes me to a tee. MAGA extremists think they are mocking me with the 'tampon Tim' nickname, but I'm proud to wear it and look forward to the day when every man, woman, and...
  • "Harris Won an Open Primary" [semi-satire]

    09/10/2024 1:35:16 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 September 2024 | John Semmens
    In response to criticism that Vice-President Kamala Harris was "installed rather than elected as the Democratic Party's presidential nominee," former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insisted that "it was an open process. After President Biden voluntarily stepped down the Democratic National Committee carefully weighed what to do. During this process any Democrat could've submitted his or her name for us to consider. No one did. The DNC can't be blamed for not selecting from a list with zero names on it." "Since President Biden has made clear for a long time, he and Kamala were a team," Pelosi pointed out....
  • Amazon's Alexa Advises Voters [semi-satire]

    09/09/2024 9:35:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 September 2024 | John Semmens
    Users of Amazon's cloud-based Alexa voice service are receiving distinctly different answers regarding who they should vote for. When users asked Alexa "why should I vote for Kamala Harris," they were told "while there are many reasons to vote for Kamala Harris, the most significant may be that she is a woman of color who has overcome numerous obstacles to become a leader in her field. Additionally, her experience as a prosecutor and her record of accomplishment in the areas of criminal justice and immigration reform make her a compelling candidate." When users asked Alexa "why should I vote for...
  • Harris Plans to Share Wealth [semi-satire]

    09/08/2024 11:36:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 September 2024 | John Semmens
    No, not her wealth, your wealth. Part of Democrat presidential nominee Vice-President Kamala Harris' plan to "transform America" entails redistributing some of the wealth. Two ideas that she is considering are taxing unrealized capital gains and increasing the death tax. Unrealized capital gains are increases in the value of assets like stocks, mutual funds, businesses, and property that hasn't been sold. For example, if the stock you bought for $20 a share 15 years ago is now valued at $100 a share on the stock exchange you would be assessed a tax for the $80 per share unrealized gain. Unless...
  • MSNBC Host Warns: Trump Will Be a Dictator [semi-satire]

    09/07/2024 10:06:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 September 2024 | John Semmens
    On MSNBC's "Morning Joe" program, host Joe Scarborough warned that "Trump will be a dictator if he gets back into office. He will censor TV stations that criticize his policies, prosecute his political opponents, and have government agents assassinate his enemies." CNN's Jake Tapper wryly observed that "President Biden didn't have to censor TV stations because we've all been on the side of the Democrats, but he did have the FBI pressure Facebook and Twitter to censor criticism of his covid policies and his Attorney General has been prosecuting Trump. On top of that, the Secret Service demonstrated extraordinary incompetence...
  • Trump to Create Government Efficiency Commission [semi-satire]

    09/06/2024 10:58:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 September 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, on the advice entrepreneur Elon Musk, GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump vowed to create a government efficiency commission. "This isn't just some untried pipe dream," Trump emphasized. "Mr. Musk actually did this when he bought Twitter. By analyzing the necessary work to be done he was able to reduce staffing costs by 80% without negatively affecting the company's productivity. If we can replicate this in the federal government we could save billions of dollars without sacrificing essential services. We could lower federal debt, cut interest rates, reduce taxes and allow working men and women to keep more of...
  • Dems Green Energy Mandates Hike Utility Costs [semi-satire]

    09/04/2024 9:39:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 September 2024 | John Semmens
    Democrat Gov. Phil Murphy's "Energy Master Plan" launched in 2020 has more than doubled New Jersey residents' energy bills. State Sen. Mike Testa (R-Vineland) referred to a complaint from a Parsippany resident whose latest monthly bill was $782, saying "even in the Arizona desert where daily high summer temperatures average 106 degrees, monthly electric bills are typically between $300 and $400 a month," Testa said. "In New Jersey the average daily high summer temperature is 85 degrees. How can our electricity cost over $700 a month? Maybe all the 'green energy' Murphy has mandated isn't worth what it costs." In...
  • The One Assassination Fact the FBI Is Sure Of [semi-satire]

    09/03/2024 1:54:52 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 September 2024 | John Semmens
    The attempt was made at a political rally. The target was a candidate for president that many in the Media called a threat to democracy and likened to Hitler. President Biden had previously called for targeting Trump. The shooter conducted over 60 internet searches related to Donald Trump, Joe Biden and various political events in the 30 days leading up to the rally. However, after what they contend was an "exhaustive examination of the evidence" from the event, the one thing of which the FBI says it is sure is that "the motive was not political." Perhaps the FBI's reputation...
  • Most Unaffordable Housing Market in US History [semi-satire]

    09/03/2024 10:55:14 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 September 2024 | John Semmens
    Bright MLS is one of the nation's leading real estate listing services. Their chief economist Dr. Lisa Sturtevant recently told Fox News that "the upward pressure on home prices is making this the most unaffordable housing market in history. First-time and moderate-income home buyers, in particular, increasingly are being left out of the housing market." House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Jason Smith (R-Mo) blames "the Biden Administration's reckless spending and suppression of domestic energy production for the rising cost of living that Americans now face. Billions of tax dollars were wasted on inefficient 'green energy' boondoggles that failed to...
  • FDA Refutes RFK Claim [semi-satire]

    09/02/2024 10:16:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 September 2024 | John Semmens
    An important issue in Robert F. Kennedy's campaign for president is the unsavory relationship between the Food and Drug Administration and the pharmaceutical companies it is supposed to regulate. "Half of the FDA's budget is funded by cash it gets from drug manufacturers," RFK points out. "This is a clear conflict of interest. How diligent can we expect the FDA to be in cracking down on botched or fraudulent testing of new drugs and vaccines by the companies paying half the FDA's salaries? As we saw with the experimental COVID vaccines, the FDA allowed inadequately tested and tainted concoctions to...
  • CNN Editor Regrets Zuckerberg's Admissions [semi-satire]

    09/01/2024 12:38:33 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 September 2024 | John Semmens
    Jon Passantino, CNN's deputy managing editor for media and misinformation, expressed regret that "Meta-Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg openly admitted cooperating with the Biden Administration to censor content that the President found disagreeable. What had previously been a unanimous agreement that the enemies of democracy were spreading misinformation has been shattered." House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) said "Zuckerberg's admission that he now realizes that what the FBI pressured his company to censor was accurate information confirms what FBI whistle blowers have testified to in our committee hearings that the Hunter Biden laptop the FBI seized in 2019 was genuine...
  • Trump Slammed for Laying Wreath at Arlington [semi-satire]

    09/01/2024 2:00:09 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 September 2024 | John Semmens
    This week former President Donald Trump laid a wreath at the graves of the 13 soldiers killed during the Biden Administration's botched withdrawal from Afghanistan in August 2021. He was there at the invitation of the grieving family members and had the permission of current House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La). Darin Hoover, whose son Staff Sergeant Taylor Hoover died in Afghanistan, said "President Trump didn't come to us. His team didn't come to us and say, hey, this would be good for business. Business? No. President Trump has stood by us from day one. He has been compassionate. He has...
  • Harris/Walz Shine in CNN Interview [semi-satire]

    08/31/2024 4:12:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 September 2024 | John Semmens
    Predictions that Vice-President Kamala Harris' first interview since she was declared the Democrat nominee for president without winning a single vote in any Democrat primary were dashed by the scintillating performance of Kamala and her running mate Gov. Tim Walz (Minn) to moderator Dana Bash's probing questions. Asked about her previous support for outlawing fracking, decriminalizing illegal border crossings, and no bail release of arraigned criminal suspects, Harris declared "as I have said on numerous occasions before, we must not let ourselves be burdened by what has been. My campaign is about bringing joy and unity to every person in...
  • Field Test of Insect Consumption Misfires [semi-satire]

    08/28/2024 10:16:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 August 2024 | John Semmens
    When some attending the Democrat Convention in Chicago found maggots and crickets in their breakfasts their first instinct was to call the FBI. The FBI is currently trying to figure out how this happened. Director Christopher Wray said "domestic right-wing terrorists, MAGA people are at the top of our suspect list. We are currently searching through Trump's recent speeches to try to ascertain what code words he used to instigate his followers to do the deed." Others suggested that protesters opposed to the Israeli invasion of Gaza that have been protesting outside the Democratic convention might be responsible. Maggots were...