WASHINGTON, D.C.—After the incredible success of his free crack pipe program, President Joe Biden has announced a new 80 billion-dollar program to provide every white suburban woman in America a set of free wine glasses. "We want to help everyone cope with the pain and suffering wrought by mysterious forces completely unrelated to the Biden Administration," said Press Secretary Jen Psaki while taking a swig of Chardonnay from a government-issued crystal glass. "If you drown your sorrows in wine, or crack, or whatever, it'll make the next 3 years go by much quicker!" Sources say that after confirming citizens' gender...