Free Republic

U.S. — As struggling American citizens finished filing their taxes this week, many expressed hope that their small contributions will be instrumental in getting the national debt down to a much more manageable $34 trillion. "We know this national debt is a real problem, and we're just happy we can help out," said one couple who just spent the money they were saving for a car to pay an unexpectedly high tax bill for 2023. "We know the government is doing everything it can to use our money wisely and address the debt issue. That really makes the pain of...

VATICAN — In a rare instance of its viewpoints aligning with divine truth, the Vatican announced that it had reluctantly sided with God on the subject of gender theory. Despite its ongoing efforts to blur the lines of objective morality and evolve the Catholic Church into a more progressive entity, the Vatican said it had no choice but to take the same position held by Almighty God and condemn gender theory. "We don't do this very often," said one Vatican spokesman. "It's always our policy to try to find a workaround to avoid siding with God on these types of...

NEW YORK, NY — In a devastating blow for the defense, State Judge Juan Merchan has ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease noticing that the only people trying to put him in jail are Democrats. "Quiet you!" Judge Merchan told Trump in court. "Stop mentioning that everyone in the legal system who is trying to imprison you just so happens to be a member of the Democrat party. It is completely irrelevant." "All instances of Trump noticing this fact will be met with serious legal consequences, which will be administered by Democrats." The expanded gag order comes on the heels...

NEW YORK, NY — At a high-priced fundraiser in Manhattan last night, three former presidents got together and reminisced about all the good times they had together on that one other island. Presidents Obama, Biden, and Clinton were all present at the lavish event, and sources say they couldn't help but remember the last time they were all together having fun on an island owned by a mutual friend, who is now mysteriously deceased. "Oh wow, what a great party!" exclaimed Biden, according to witnesses. "Is Ghislaine here? Where's Ghislaine? I've got a hankerin' for a massage. Where's Ghislaine?" The...

BALTIMORE, MD — As crews continued to deal with the aftermath of the collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg praised the cargo ship Dali for helping dismantle racism in American roads. With the investigation into the cause of the disaster still in progress and the rebuilding of the bridge expected to be a long and complicated process, Buttigieg hailed the collapse as a step in the right direction to root out the deep-seated systemic racism and oppressive ideology that formed the foundation of the nation's roads and bridges. "This catastrophe is a beautiful turning point,"...

ARLINGTON, VA — In a bid to further solidify the company's push for diversity, equity, and inclusion, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun announced he would be resigning after evidence surfaced that he is a white male. Though airplane malfunctions and emergencies continued to make headlines, a company spokesperson stressed that its staunch commitment to DEI practices was the impetus for Calhoun's stepping down after new information revealed his white maleness. "This was a shocking revelation," the spokesperson said. "Once it came to light that Mr. Calhoun is a white male, everyone knew he could no longer continue as CEO. Boeing takes...

PIEDRAS NEGRAS — As the debate in the United States continued to rage over the ongoing migrant crisis along the southern border, Mexico announced plans to begin construction on a wall to keep illegal immigrants from coming back. The idea to build a wall along its northern border, which Mexican leaders said they came up with all by themselves, will prevent unvetted and unidentified migrants from entering the country, thereby making Mexico a safer, more secure nation. "It's going to be a big, beautiful wall," said Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador. "We're going to build a wall and we're...

U.S. — After former President Trump declared his freshly-made guacamole "the bomb", media outlets across the nation announced that Trump had threatened to drop a nuclear bomb if he were to lose the election. "This is a clear call to civil war," cried MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough as video played of Trump eating chips. "You heard the words 'the bomb' from his very own lips. Is there nothing this madman won't do?" Several media outlets reported that Trump's threat of nuclear war came immediately on the heels of Trump vowing to demolish democracy when he claimed he was "about to...

EL PASO, TX — After hearing about the size of the average American, Haitian cannibal gangs rushed the southern border near El Paso this week in a race to be first in line for the smorgasbord. "Hey man, look at dat," Haitian cannibal and political leader Barbecue said. "Those are some chunky, chubby, rolly polly people coming at me. Hang on, let me grab my bib and steak knives. It's lunchtime!" After reports surfaced of Haitian gang members cannibalizing their victims, coup leader Barbecue announced he would be taking his men across the U.S. border to find a more plentiful...

With the nation still in shock over the latest in an ongoing string of violence resulting in Americans being killed by illegal immigrants, Democrats warned that migrants committing murder could result in more people referring to them by the wrong term. Following the murder of Georgia nursing student Laken Riley, leading Democrats expressed apprehension that such unconscionable acts may lead to an increased risk of people cruelly calling the perpetrators "illegal." "This is of grave concern to us," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "With more and more Americans being murdered by migrants, there is a genuine threat of something...

DETROIT, MI — In a terribly awkward moment, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy both showed up to cheer at the same campaign rally for President Joe Biden. The two heads of state, their respective nations still locked in ongoing violent conflict, were shocked to run into each other at the event, where they both intended to show their support for another four years of Biden. "It was pretty painful," said one Biden campaign staffer. "We were expecting endorsements from both of them, but I think someone really screwed up with scheduling because we didn't intend for...

NEW YORK, NY — Officials with the United Nations are condemning the Israeli attack on Rafah to rescue two hostages, warning that such attacks could lead to even more hostages being rescued. "These atrocious and inhumane rescue missions cannot be allowed to continue," said Palestinian Ambassador Riyad Mansour. "With every flagrant incursion into Gaza to rescue hostages, Israel violates our human right to kidnap, rape, torture, and imprison Jews, who I might add are being treated very well by our noble Hamas freedom fighters." Experts further warned that if Israel continues to rescue hostages, Gaza will lose all the leverage...

LAS VEGAS — San Franciscans continued crapping in the streets to honor the incredible way in which the 49ers so epically crapped the bed. "This is what we deserve!!" shouted Christian McCaffrey as he dumped an entire jug of poo onto Coach Kyle Shanahan. "This is what it means to be San Francisco!" All across San Francisco, citizens joined in letting out their rage by running out into the streets and flinging poo into the air. Widespread looting, arson, and gunfire were reported throughout the city, leaving police relieved that nothing was out of the ordinary. At publishing time, the...

Hamas is reeling after losing two of their most cherished leaders on the same day: military commander Saleh al-Arouri, and Harvard President Claudine Gay."This is a devastating loss for our organization and the world," said Hamas Leader Ismail Haniyeh while throwing a dart at a dartboard with a picture of a Jew on it. "Al-Arouri helped mastermind our glorious murder/rape party of October 7th, 2023. Claudine Gay presided over the preaching of our message Jew-hatred in America's Ivy League. This is an incalculable loss."Ismail Haniyeh then went back to his game of darts while sitting in a jacuzzi and having...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Word of a new gay nightclub spread rapidly through the nation's capital over the weekend, with the LGBTQ community flocking to line up outside the latest trendy hotspot. "Word has it this is the place," said a man wearing a pair of black leather chaps. "The stories I've heard about what goes on inside this place will make you burst into flames. Because it's really gay." The new hangout has been drawing rave reviews from the gay community due to its neoclassical architecture, with ancient Greek and Roman influences that harken back to some of the glory...

TAMPA, FL — Fresh off the case of George Bailey, Clarence the Angel embarked on a new mission over the weekend to show California Governor Gavin Newsom what the California could be like if he'd never been born. "I just picked him up and flew him over to Florida," Clarence explained. "Easiest job I've ever had." Earlier in the day, residents had observed Newsom wandering the streets of San Francisco, muttering to himself about the futility of life. "I was supposed to be President! I was supposed to be the guy!" cried out Newsom. "Instead, I've spent my days toiling...

Gov. Gavin Newsom’s great strength, as Rs-gone-wild torch democracy while most Democrats can only gasp and make horrified faces, is his galloping case of don’t-give-a-hoot-itis. Joe Biden, God love him, is too polite to get in Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’s face. But the same hubris that has made our governor a spokesman for blue America also led him to conclude that of course he could celebrate a lobbyist’s b’day at The French Laundry at the height of his COVID shutdown. And that of course he could vacation in Montana this week, even though California has banned state-funded travel there, as...

https://www.sacbee.com/opinion/article263062583.html She thought nothing of it. ,, It was from CNN 10, formerly known as CNN Student News, a straightforward, fact-based news program for middle and high school students. She had shown the daily news program to students countless times, as had many other teachers around the country, including at Ragan’s Rocklin school. ..... “If it’s all CNN, why not listen to OAN?” Nagelmann asked at the meeting, referring to the far-right, pro-Trump One America News Network. .... On Facebook, Nagelmann posts often about conspiracy theories ranging from “chemical trails” ,,,to fake NASA and CIA documents that “prove” the Earth...

The Supreme Court’s decision Friday to overturn Roe v. Wade and severely limit abortion access across much of the country is not only an infringement on my human rights. It also violates my religious beliefs. Given that American Jews are one of the most consistently liberal groups in the country, it’s not surprising that an overwhelming majority of us — 83% in one 2014 poll — support legal abortion in all cases.

Democracy isn’t as popular as it used to be. Take the Oroville City Council’s overwrought recent declaration that it’s a “Constitutional Republic City,” which is steeped in creeping disregard for a once-presumptive American ideal. The measure declares that the council’s members and constituents need not follow the laws of the duly and democratically elected state and federal governments in which they’re located — and upon which they’re deeply dependent — because, well, they don’t want to.