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Breaking News! Obama give speech, cures Child Obesity!

AP: OSLO, Norway. A woman who was troubled with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind Obama through security today, and touched the hem of his garment. The woman claimed that she said within herself: "If I shall touch only his garment, I shall be healed." And Obama, turning and seeing her, said, "Be of good heart, daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour." In response, Obama was granted the Nobel Prize in Medicine.

After winning a Nobel, Oscar, Grammy, Heisman, and the AL MVP, plus getting an assist for helping Rio win the Olympics; not everything is coming up roses for the President. This afternoon Obama lost an argument to himself. The incident occurred at lunch when the President couldn't decide if he wanted Coke or Sprite to go with his meal. After a 5 minute exchange with himself, that at times got kind of heated according to sources, the President went with Sprite. Afterwards a disappointed Obama said, "I really wanted Coke with my lunch, but I let myself talk myself out...

In a breathtaking decision, the Black Angus Growers Association of America awarded 0bama with it's Grand Marshall position in 2010's parade. The postion is usually at the head of the parade and the Grand Marshall rides a Black Angus for the entire 20 mile parade route through rural Wyoming.

Breaks devil vine's strangle-hold on Southeastern US!

In a yet another surprise today, the IOC convened an emergency meeting to retroactively reconsider the Chicago bid for the 2016 Olympics. After some deliberation, the committee chair stated "We clearly did not properly consider the magnitude of the US President's awesomeness. Taking our cue from the Nobel Committee, we have reevaluated our position and now see that not only he too awesome to turn down, but we should and will rename the Olympics after him. From now on, they will be known as the BOlympics. The representatives of the Rio de Janero Olympics 2016 bid committee could not be...

U.S. President Barack Obama told a crowd of admiring White House press corps reporters that he was "deeply honoured" to have won the 2009 Publishers' Clearing House Sweepstakes. As the President was having an early morning working breakfast with czar Kevin Jennings, Obama was surprised to hear the doorbell ring and see the cryogenicaly revived body of Ed McMahon and Dick Clark on the White House doorstep, cheque in hand. "I can't believe it!" said Obama. "That's more free money than I've ever seen working for ACORN!" "For the first time in my life," said an estatic Michelle Obama, dressed...

NASA spokesperson Rachel McDonald stated in a press conference today, that President Barack Obama was the first man to step on the Moon. McDonald stated, "Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't Neil Armstrong wasn't the first man to step on the Moon but was instead the President." She followed, "The first words he uttered were FIRE IT UP...READY TO GO!" FIRE IT UP .... READY TO GO!

In a stunning trifecta, Barrack Hussein Obama, President of the United States for life, Nobel peace prize winner and elegant husband of stylish Michelle, laid to rest three enduring mysteries from the diverse disciplines of quantum physics, the search for extra-terrestrial life, and the meaning of Plato's dialogues. And he did it all before enjoying a healthy and low carbon footprint...

Today off the coast of Nantucket, Pres. Barack Hussein Obama won the America's Cup Yahct Race. Making his win even more historic were the facts that this is an off year for the Cup race and that Pres. Obama won the race without a yacht. "Seeing Pres. Obama out there just sprinting across the waves is just so inspiring.", said Buffy White, "I just love the fact that this will inspire many black inner city youths." Pres. Obama was unavailable for comment after the race, but White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said, "Pres Obama is extremely busy now with the...

Of course!

And invoking the name of Obama three times quickly and snapping your heels together is said to cause the appearance of a rainbow which, if followed to its very end, leads to Obama's personal stash of stimulus cash (and his hidden carton of Marlboro Lights).

The title speaks for itself

Not since Jesus of Nazareth in the early days of history has there been such a rising star in the heavens. Obama today, through the sheer force of his teleprompters, turned a bottle of water into a carafe of fine Merlot. He'll be flyin to Paris later with his wife so he can drink while gazing at the Seine...Later this week he plans to feed all of Detroit from a few fishes and unleavened loaves of bread.

Obama finds Waldo!!

The winning entry:

Obama re-invents the wheel.

MLB announced today that there was no need for a Series and all the carbon emissions it would generate as Obama had announced his intention to win the series. "We all know he accomplishes everything he puts his mind to, including citizenship, so the Commissioner figured awarding the Series to Him now would help with MLB's required reduction of greenhouse gasses," said source close to MLB.

In a break from America's racist past, Barack Hussein Obama (mmm mmm MMM) wore a white burkha with shawl after Labor Day.

BREAKING: It has been determined that B. H. Obama was the actual inventor of the Internet, as a result the Nobel committee takes back prize given to Al Gore.