Dr. Oz, the senior government health official, wants Americans to stop drinking alcohol for breakfast. With all due respect, man, maybe next week. 2026 has barely gotten out of bed, and it’s already too sloshed to drive. We’re all just trying to keep up. If you’re not already drunk by the time you read this—what are you even doing? You’re clearly not spending enough time on social media. Stop playing with your kids or pretending to work, go inside, pour yourself a pint of cheap gin, and scroll until you’re too angry or depressed to get off the toilet. The...