Humor (General/Chat)
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I'm working to elect a principled conservative and Christian for the House of Delegates in Maryland. We're designing campaign coasters for a fund raising Happy Hour and am looking for a funny, family-friendly, quote to put on the reverse side. Best one from our group is, "You're spending our money on what?!" But I think I can count on this group to help with something with a bit of a bite but more humorous. Thanks in advance! You all are the best!
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Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench... A "streaker" goes jogging by... The first old lady has a stroke... The second old lady has a stroke... The third old lady couldn't reach that far....
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It’s been a weird start to 2022 for us, with lots of anxiety and uncertainty about the impact of the Omicron variant which is hamstringing UK healthcare at the moment – even while other parts of life such as school and football and work seem to be ploughing on regardless. We decided to return to musicals and something of a family classic – which was not a good fit earlier in the pandemic – and see if we could make it work to reflect that dissonance at the moment. So here’s our parody of the relentlessly upbeat musical show number,...
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Condom sales declined precipitously during the pandemic, the world's largest manufacturer of the contraceptive, which saw sales falling as much as 40% in the past two years, told Nikkei. While one could assume that people would have nothing to do "but have sex" indoors because of movement restrictions, that didn't appear to be the situation, Goh Miah Kiat, Karex's CEO, told the media outlet. The Malaysian contraceptive company produces about 5.5 billion condoms a year and is a supplier to brands such as Durex and ONE Condoms. It also produces its own condom brands.
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Today the CDC, NIH and the FDA announced that they were acquiring mascots to represent their organizations. The CDC is currently negotiating with representatives for Bozo the Clown for rights to use his image. The CDC thinks Bozo best represents their goals and operations. Bozo will be especially effective when used in k1-12 and colleges. The FDA is currently negotiating with representatives holding the rights for Jason of Friday the 13th. The FDA thinks that Jason best represents their goals and operations. Jason will be especially effective in furthering the fear factor in low information adults, while reaping obscene benefits...
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An Instagram model has claimed a sex doll company have created a racy figurine based on her appearance and are promoting it using her name and image. Yael Cohen Aris, from Israel, claims manufacturer Irontech Dolls have modelled a sex doll on her without her consent - with almost idential features, down to the distinctive beauty mark on her bottom lip. The former programmer claims the company have been selling the doll under the name 'Yael' and promoting it on online forums using the model's own real-life images. Yael is now demanding the item be pulled off the shelves and...
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It's not everyday that a worker goes out of their way to make the whole office smile, but when it happens it's a true joy. Now, people from around the world have shared the best examples of comical goings on in the workplace - with the very best collated in a gallery by Bored Panda. One good humoured grocery store worker changed his own name tag to 'Kale' afterbeing bombarded with requests for the leafy vegetable, while another made a resident spider a part of the office. Elsewhere, some builders zipped themselves into a three-way jacket, and a group of...
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SQUIRRELS EAT MY AMMO! BUT WILL IT SHOOT?
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Heard from a friend in Rockingham County, North Carolina that earlier tonight at the monthly school board meeting, during public comments the chairwoman called "Lesco Brandon" to the podium. Somehow I don't think he showed up... but it cracked up a lot of people in attendance :-D
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Although he's now one of the most lauded comedians in Hollywood, Larry David never saw himself becoming a writer or a comedian. After graduating from the University of Maryland in 1970, he was lost and had little direction from his parents, who wanted him to take a job as a mailman. The future writer for "Saturday Night Live," co-creator of "Seinfeld" and creator of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" joined the Army Reserve for one very important reason: to avoid going to Vietnam. He regretted it almost immediately. He had never held a weapon, and he was terrible at push-ups and sit-ups....
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa .They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go...
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U.S.–American businesses are now requiring employees to test positive for COVID before beginning their workday, since catching COVID is now the best way to prove you've been vaccinated. The new self-imposed mandates come hot on the heels of President Biden threatening to maybe require it among federal employees at some arbitrary point in the future possibly. Dr. Anthony Fauci has applauded the businesses for the new approach. "You know, since the vaccine has been so perfect, but ineffectual, this will enable people to take advantage of natural immunity as if it were a sort of booster shot. I think the...
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NICOLAS Cage and fifth wife Riko Shibata have revealed they are expecting a baby. It will be the Hollywood star's third child after sons Ka-El Coppola, 16, and Weston Coppola, 31, from previous relationships. "The parents-to-be are elated!" the actor's rep said. Nicolas, 57, tied the knot with Riko on on February 16, 2021 in a "very small and intimate wedding at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas," according to a rep for Cage. The date was chosen as it was special to Nic - it was his late father, August Coppola's, birthday. "It's true, and we are very happy,"...
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The University of Pennsylvania’s transgender swimmer, Lia Thomas, was defeated by another transgender swimmer. The record-shattering Thomas previously competed on the Penn men’s team and has transitioned to female. But at an Ivy League swim meet Saturday, a Yalie, Iszac Henig, defeated Thomas in both the women’s 100- and 400-yard freestyle races, the Daily Mail reported. Henig, who is transitioning from female to male, set a record for the women’s 50-yard freestyle, the outlet said. Henig was able to compete on the women’s team because she had yet to start testosterone treatment, according to a June piece in The New...
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Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today, I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have...
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Norwegian conscripts are to return their underwear after completing military service for the next recruits, as the army struggles with dwindling supplies due to Covid. Norway, which guards Nato’s northern borders and shares a border with Russia, calls up about 8,000 young men and women for military service every year and until recently allowed newly discharged conscripts to leave barracks with the underwear they were issued. But the pandemic has seriously strained the flow of supplies with factory shutdowns and transport problems, leading the Norwegian military to ask conscripts to hand over underwear, including bras and socks. Though originally voluntary,...
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