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LONDON — The British government issued an official public apology on Tuesday for interrupting whatever it was the nice Muslim men in unmarked vans were doing at 1:00 a.m. outside a military base used by U.S. forces. The five men were quickly released after brief questioning, with Prime Minister Andy Burnham personally calling each one to offer an apology for the intrusion. "We're terribly sorry for getting in your way, chaps," said Burnham. "We'll get you right on your way in a jiffy. It was that bloody fool of a farmer, calling the police and starting this whole nonsense. Really,...

Kansas Democratic Senate nominee Rev. Adam Hamilton told MS NOW on Wednesday that former Vice President Kamala Harris should stay out of his campaign in Kansas after she traveled to Michigan to campaign for Democratic Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed, as Hamilton works to win crossover support in the Republican-leaning state. When asked directly whether he would welcome Harris to campaign alongside him in Kansas, Hamilton rejected the prospect. "No, I would not," he told MS NOW. "No offense intended for her but she would not help to me. We are a different kind of Democrat … I mean no offense...

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NEW YORK, NY — The 81st General Assembly of the United Nations entered a high-level week of talks this week, with delegates demanding that the world take the organization seriously. For years, the UN had been largely ignored by the world's population, prompting speech after speech from delegates demanding to be recognized, or face the full might of further symbolic resolutions. "We are basically a one-world government, we should be feared," said UN spokesperson Stéphane Dujarric. "Don't you understand that we hold the fate of the world in our hands in a sort of symbolic sense? We can just declare...

In a campaign speech, German Chancellor Friedrich Merz acknowledged that "the era of unconditional love that the US has shown to Europe since World War II are over. The generosity that every US president since Truman has shown toward Germany and our fellow European states has been ended by the cruelty of President Trump. Fortunately, the defensive shield from Russian aggression provided by US arms is no longer needed. The hundreds of billions that shield saved us permitted us to provide ample social welfare benefits that would otherwise not have been possible." Merz went on to mock Trump's "humiliation by...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress held a preemptive state funeral honoring Senator Mitch McConnell on Friday, as the Senate sergeant-at-arms had him lie in state, "just in case." The atmosphere in the nation's capital was somber this week as speakers from both sides of the aisle spoke about McConnell's undying commitment to Democracy, a commitment, they say, won't let him die. "Might as well get it out of the way now," said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, "We all saw him 'come back to work' this week, but let's be honest... he's just running on fumes here. That's why I was...

PLYMOUTH, MA — Reports indicated that a modern "Underground Railroad" had been established to help the lone black juror from the Lindsay Clancy case escape from angry, violent, white Democrats. Though shrouded in secrecy, the new Underground Railroad would purportedly use checkpoints along the Atlantic coast to help shepherd the black man away from the thousands of white Northern liberals who have threatened him with violence. "We've got to get him to the South," said an operative, on condition of anonymity. "He'll be safe if he can just get below that Mason-Dixon line. The Republicans won't let anyone touch him....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision just weeks before people head to the polls to vote in the midterms, the United States Supreme Court ruled that securing elections was unconstitutional. Despite efforts from the Trump administration to secure U.S. elections by restricting mail-in ballots and ensuring only citizens would be allowed to vote, the Supreme Court issued a ruling that declared any attempt to prevent widespread fraud from rigging elections to be a clear violation of the Constitution. "Making sure elections are legal is illegal," Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in the majority opinion. "There is no provision in the...

Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel skipped attending the Democratic Party's state convention because she felt "it wouldn't be safe for me to mingle with the antisemites. I didn't want to get chased around. I didn't want to get harassed. I didn't want to get yelled and screamed at. I didn't want to get booed off the stage, irrespective of what I'm saying." Now she says "I realize that my instinct for self-preservation was inappropriate. Jews have a moral imperative to place the needs of the world above our own self-interest and, yes, even our own survival. The antisemites desire to...

DALLAS, TX — In his keynote speech at the 2026 RNC Midterm Convention, President Donald Trump pledged that if voters defeat socialism in November, they will each get an equal redistribution of wealth from the government. Trump detailed his plan to take money from taxpayers, divide it up into equal $5,000 shares, and redistribute it to every citizen if they would simply vote to keep socialism at bay. "Socialism is so dangerous, it's terrifying, really. We have to stop it by whatever means necessary, even if it means redistributing everyone's wealth," explained Trump. "What we'll do is we'll take everyone's...

DALLAS, TX — With the pivotal midterm elections less than two months away, the nation's most prominent members of the Republican Party prepared to gather in Dallas to get advice from the Cowboys on how to blow everything in November. With President Donald Trump set to headline the party's first midterm convention, officials said they couldn't think of a better plan to formulate a losing strategy than to congregate in the city with a football team that is unparalleled in choking when it matters most. "They're the experts," said one GOP insider. "We're getting down to crunch time now, so...

In 2023 Lindsay Clancy sent her husband on an errand. While he was away she strangled their three children--5 year-old Cora, 3 year-old Dawson, and 8-month-old Callan to death. Her efforts to kill herself were not as successful. She cut her wrists and neck and jumped from the home's second-story window. She survived, but was paralyzed from the waist down due to the fall. Her defense counsel argued that she was suffering from postpartum psychosis and bipolar disorder and could not be held responsibility for her actions. The prosecution argued that the careful planning that preceded the killings demonstrated premeditation....

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Former President Biden's son Hunter went on the "Dopey" podcast and told host Dave Manheim "I was able to scrape the money together for the cocaine, prostitutes, and private bungalows at the luxurious Chateau Marmont because I still was on the board of Burisma as part of the influence peddling scheme my father and I cooked up when he was vice-president." In response to Manheim's gasp, Hunter assured him "it was a fair deal. We didn't cheat Burisma. My dad went to bat for them in Washington. Burisma wasn't our only client. I was on the board of 14 other...

YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING, a documentary by Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim. Featuring Elizabeth Holmes. Only in theaters this October. pic.twitter.com/b3Pcx0Se2o— A24 (@A24) September 7, 2026

U.S. Defense Secretary Hegseth has returned to posting about Canada, sharing a Canadian Coast Guard Pride message with only a flag emoji days after Prime Minister Mark Carney criticized American officials for using memes and mockery during a serious dispute between the neighboring countries. •Hegseth quoted a Canadian Coast Guard post about its participation in Ottawa’s Pride celebration and added a Canadian flag emoji. •The post came after Carney said U.S. officials should “stop doing memes,” “stop throwing shade” and become serious about renewed trade discussions. •Unlike Hegseth’s earlier message about Canadian cadets, the latest post contained no written criticism,...

U.S. — Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad. According to legal experts, centuries of criminal precedent had been rendered obsolete by the simple, groundbreaking defense of "feeling a little overwhelmed." "For years, we operated under the outdated assumption that taking a human life required accountability," defense attorney Arnold Carter explained. "We now understand that as long as you mention feeling sad beforehand, the entire legal system immediately pivots to asking if you've been getting enough self-care." Hitman Frank Rizzoli noted...

ANN ARBOR, MI — A highly controversial ending at Michigan Stadium has unfortunately put a slight black eye on the NCAA's otherwise sterling reputation. Though historically a bastion of high ethics and integrity, the NCAA has come under scrutiny after referees announced the existence of a secret game clock that never reaches zero while Michigan is losing. "It's an unfortunate blemish for an organization that has always been regarded as carrying itself with the utmost virtue," said media pundit Dan Bradshaw. "To have a call like this, it raises uncomfortable questions such as 'Why do the refs have a secret...

JUPITER, FL — A Florida court suspended golf legend Tiger Woods' driver's license for five years after an investigation determined that he is half-Asian. County Court Judge Darren Steele issued the ruling after prosecutors presented overwhelming evidence that Woods, despite his physical appearance, is part Thai and Chinese. "For the safety of the public, we cannot allow a half-Asian back on the road," said Judge Steele to Woods. "If you were just a quarter-Asian, perhaps we could work out a deal. But 50 percent is way too much. I hereby immediately suspend your driving privileges and order you to have...

NEW YORK, NY — Governor Kathy Hochul desperately tried to warn New Yorkers that Republicans were taking away women's rights, but no one in the room could hear her because her mouth was covered by a hijab. With the hijab making Hochul's voice sound like the muffled groans of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons, New Yorkers remained tragically ignorant of the threat that Republicans pose to women's freedom. "Bwahh-bwahhh. Gllll. Merrrr," said Hochul, waving her arms frantically. Attendees and members of the media were bewildered. "Huh. Wonder what she's saying under there," said local man Hamza Malik. "Seems like...