Free Republic

ATLANTA, GA—CDC officials have released official guidelines and recommendations for activity during the pandemic. At the top of the list is a request for people to stop giving them wedgies every time they pass them on the street. "You all need to stop this immature behavior right now!" said CDC official Mortimer Herbie Jr. as he adjusted his glasses and retainer. "Also, stop shoving us in lockers and giving us swirlies and grabbing us by our ankles and shaking us upside down until our lunch money falls out! This is NOT cool you guys!"

Come friendly bombs and fall on Hollywood, it isn’t fit for doing good. Another year, another dreadful Oscars, another round of moral lectures from the beautiful people. It’s all so tiresome. The only reason most people pay attention to these irritating award ceremonies is precisely so that they can be irritated. So there was a vegan theme at this year’s Academy Awards. So the show had no host. So Brad Pitt is angry about impeachment. So someone said ‘workers of the world unite’. So Joaquin Phoenix is mad (in all senses) about what mankind is doing to the animal kingdom....

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A GROUP of glamour lesbians who believe the world was created by an alien civilisation 25,000 years ago have criticised the Catholic Church for being out of touch. The representatives of the Gay Raelian society yesterday staged a demonstration outside Parliament House to protest the Pope's arrival for World Youth Day next week. Raelian spokeswoman Eden Bates said it was an insult that the Pope would be welcomed into Australia when "our gorgeous, fantastic spiritual leader Rael wasn't even given the respect of a visa". "I'm not Catholic, I'm Raelian and I'd like to see police escorts for our beautiful...

First prize winner, for sure. Today I am announcing this column's inaugural blue ribbon award for the totally dorkiest look of the year. There's no contest here. Without any doubt, the dumbest sight anywhere in 2006 is a human ear with a Bluetooth technology device sticking out. For starters, it looks ridiculous — like a reject part from the Borg (evil cyberbeings). Is anyone so important she or he must be linked to Verizon Wireless or Cingular or any mobile service on an 24/7 basis? I don't think so. And if one has to be on call for any reason,...

Special Announcement: Episode III Title July 24, 2004 Starwars.com is pleased to announce that Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith is the full title of the next Star Wars film, scheduled for release on May 19, 2005. The Sith are masters of the dark side of the Force and the sworn enemies of the Jedi. They were all but exterminated by the Jedi a thousand years ago, but the evil order continued in secrecy. They operated quietly, behind the scenes, acting in pairs - a Master and an Apprentice - patiently biding their time before they could take...