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John Kerry, democratic candidate for president sustained moderate injuries to his lower back today while speaking at a Teamsters union rally in Fargo, North Dakota.

Originally as reported by Dan Rather, Senator Kerry injured his back while rescuing a very large female union member trapped in a toilet stall prior to the event.

However after video footage was reviewed of the events onstage during the rally, it is obvious that the injury was sustained when Jimmy Hoffa Jr., teamsters union president was speaking.

Senator Kerry is clearly seen in the background attempting to bend over between his legs far enough to be able to kiss his own butt!

During this unique contortion, Senator Kerry is seen suddenly grabbing his lower back and grimacing in pain.

Most experts believe this is when Senator Kerry actually injured himself.

Dan Rather or CBS could not be reached for comment....

At 3 years of age, I discovered electricity.

This is a surprisingly vivid memory for being such a young child.

It is funny how electric shock can be effective at reminding people of things. For example, look at the scientist Pavlov. Every time he shocked his dogs, he got hungry. Or something like that...

So my shock induced memory goes like this: While at a babysitters, I was laying on the floor, looking at a lamp on an end table. I remember looking at the light bulb and following it to the wire going into the wall.

To me, it looked like there must be something in those two holes that made the light bulb shine and I had to know what it was. So I looked around on the floor until I found a bobby pin. I took the bobby pin and shoved the ends into the two holes in the wall.

I lit up like a Christmas tree and burned a perfect outline of the bobby pin into my thumb and forefinger.

That hurt.

From that day on, I never had any interest in wall outlets or light bulbs again.

Interestingly enough, my mom continued to use that babysitter after that first episode of self induced shock therapy

When I was 5 years old, I was sentenced to kindergarten.

Kindergarten was most notable to me by the fact that even though we were only there for four hours in the morning. Our teacher, Mrs. Hamilton actually expected us kids to take naps at 9:30 AM. We were told to lie still and actually sleep.

Right.

Imagine telling a five-year-old hyperactive boy to go to sleep right after getting up…And expecting him to actually obey.

We were told that we needed the naps and that we would stunt our growth if we didn’t get enough rest.

I will note that this particular argument as well as several other questionable anatomical threats was used throughout my childhood.

Usually, they were ignored.

Despite this, I managed to hit six feet, three inches tall. I suppose if those threats were true, I should be three feet tall, have warts all over my body, be legally blind, and have hair on my palms.

Back to kindergarten, my older brother Mike, who was in the 5th grade, walked me to school the first couple of weeks and after that, left me to find my own way.

My parents like most other parents in our neighborhood at that time saw nothing wrong with letting a 5 year old boy walk a half a mile to an elementary school in L.A.by himself.

On one of those early journeys I managed to get my first black eye from a psychotic first grader named Robbie.

I think he is now in prison.

That night I showed Mike my black eye and the next day he terrified Robbie so badly he wet his pants and never bothered me again.

I discovered older brothers were good for something after all.

The highlight of my first year in school was finding a stray Great Dane dog on my way home from school.

I took him home with me and named him Friendly.

My parents were less excited about Friendly than I was and my father was sent to find Friendly’s home.

He succeeded. I was crushed. Cried for days. Well maybe more like ten or fifteen minutes.

After this, dad got me a dog. His name was Cain. Cain was a great dog. He was part Collie and part Husky. Cain was a big dog.

Soon after I got Cain, I discovered that he did not like to go down the slide on my swing set. He also did not like to ride in wagons.

His favorite activity was trying to find ways to kill the boxer that lived next door.

I sometimes wonder if they chose that name from a biblical context.

I would ask my dad about this but for the last few years we haven't been talking.

I suppose that is mainly because he is dead.

Six Flags Amusement Parks announced an Anti-Bush Protesters only day at their Parks across America after success of Muslim's only day.

Michael Moore, spokesman for the event states that it will be a great opportunity for others to see how the second of the two Americas lives.

A special concert is planned at the Vallejo, California (Near San Francisco) location.

Performing as a barber shop quartet will be Barbara Streisand and the Dixie Chicks. Additionally, Cher has decided to kick off her fifth farewell concert tour at the event.

The evening will culminate in a group rant including the following deep thinking Americans: John BonJovi, Bruce Springsteen, Sean Penn, Obama Zawahari, And Joan Rivers.

The Grand Finale of the evening will be a speech given by Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who will be channeled through the body of Shirley MacLaine.

It is rumored that a special appearance by Elvis will be made after FDR leaves. We will just have to wait and see on that.

CBS Anchorman, Dan Rather has exposed papers showing Reform Party candidate Ralph Nader was paid for a nude photo spread on this weeks segment of 60 minutes. He will be displaying digitally blurred photos of Mr. Nader's photos as well as a typed release of rights contract that was verified by noted Alzheimers victim and CBS document analyst, Kitty Kelly. Mr. Rather was quoted as saying "Now that we squished ol'dubya like a grasshopper on a windshield in Kansas, lets really show those pajama wearing blogeers how much muscle the REAL media has. This'll make Kerry more popular than a cute cousin with allher teeth at a family reunion in Hope, Arkansas." American Colonoscopy Review, (ACR) submitted the documents to our document verification analyst, Dr. Edwina Bileslip. Dr. Bilesnag expresses grave concerns about the photos authenticity and the contract as well. "I am fairly certain that Mr. Nader does not have pectorals like Vin Diesel, He is much more likely to have man-breasts like Michael Moore." As such, we must therefore conclude that once again, Dan Rather has colored the truth with his view of reality which to this reporter is more similar to the doped up protesters seen outside Madison Square Garden last week.

I wasn't joking Qwinn.
I DO think America is lucky to have China just now entering a market based economy.
To make a point, Look at our trade defecit. A
merica can only survive on a service economy for so long. If China's economy had been market based since WWII, It is far more likely that we would not have the quality of life we do today. Further, I DO think it is patriotic to support this point of view as it helps Americans rather than Chinese.
I hope you don't think the Chinese would put our interests before theirs?
It is good to look out for Americans first.
We all need to do that more often.

APRIL 5th will now henceforward be a day in infamy for my son and I.

While flying to New York, we were seated next to a "writer" who was doing a 2 year research study on our governments lack of encouragement to Mao Tse Tung, and his band of thugs.

She attempted to regale my son Taylor with interesting perspectives on our country's history, such as how the Alamo is really an old movie set, how we really didn't hold off Santa Ana's army to the last man, and better yet, that we should ask Mexico if we really want the true story!

He told her that he thought it would be better if we asked Texans whose families lived there at that time.

After hearing this, I suggested to her that it must be hard to keep a coherent string of thoughts together after doing all of that LSD in the 60's.

In a very condescending manner this "writer" told me she went to Cornell and never took LSD. I replied mildly, "ohh, so you preferred mushrooms then...."

She then went on to tell me how it was people like me who were bringing America to its knees.

I asked how? By my working hard, or selling only products made in the USA, or maybe it the Boy Scouts leadership position that I use to warp young males minds into thinking it is good to love God, your country, and your family?

She said that it was because I thought America was better than everyone else.

At that point, I became certain that she DID take a lot of LSD and mushrooms while in college....(Later, my son asked about LSD, I told him it was a drug that made you see things that weren't really there. His reply was, (and I quote,) Did the people on the news take a lot of LSD too?

Out of the mouths of babes....

After this exchange between the writer and I, I told her I thought it was good that FDR ignored China at that time because if we had helped them to become more capitalist, we would likely be working for Chinese employers by this time. I further said that the longer it takes for China to move into a market based system of Government, the better it is for America.

After hearing this, I thought she was either having a stroke or a hot flash from the color of her face.

I then told her that America is lucky to have a president with testicles that are used for something other than teasing interns with and that on 9/11, America found out who her friends really were.

She stopped talking.

I went to sleep,

My son played his gameboy.

I think the most likely running mate will be Elizabeth Taylor. And a torrid romance will ensue.

Thank you, I laughed and woke my wife...

Sadly,
You are correct. But at least there is the blog to counter the lies....

A new hopeful has entered the race for the Senior Butt Kisser half of the democratic presidental nomination.

John McCain, a senator who really scares me, is pretending he is not interested in being John Kerry's running mate this November.

By now, all realize that even the great and courageous veteran, John Kerry himself is aware that he is lying every time his lips move, But John Cain actually seems to believe the prevarications he utters every time his lips move.

This makes him either a pathological liar, a sociopath, or a senile fool like your uncle Harry who always comes to family gatherings without his pants on.

I'm not sure which is worse.

Now John Edwards is likely to be thrown into a jealous rage when he finds out about John McCains coy effort to undermine Edwards place as the pre-eminent Butt-Kisser of the Kerry campaign. This situation has the potential to drive him back into his ferret addiction he so recently has attempted to leave behind.

I for one would enjoy a good bitch-slapping fight between a senile maniac and a demented ambulance chaser with delusions of grandeur. I bet it would make big bucks on pay per view if.....wait, I aplogize. I am taking liberties with these pillars of the "worlds greatest deliberative body".

Anyway, It will be an exciting week to see who wins: the coy, meaningful glance approach taken by McCain, or the full blown idol worship/butt kissing of Edwards. I can not even begin to guess who will ahhh...prevail.

Last, but not least, I have decided to do an in-depth investigative expose' on the underground ferret owners living in California. Recently, I interviewed several illegal ferret owners and one question asked of each ferret owner was if they dressed up their ferrets in crudely sewn animated charcters like John Edwards had with his ferret, Spike.

Each and every person interviewed was AGHAST that a ferret could be treated in such a brutish manner.

Most who preferred to dress up their ferrets went to a Russian seamstress named Anatolia Spasibo. Ms. Spasibo, A woman with more facial hair than I, has created a line of costumes that allow for freedom of movement, (a must for ferrets), attractive and gay colors, (happy looking), and most importantly are almost perfect copies of costumes worn by CHER in her last four farewell tours!

I can see why they were so upset to learn of Senator Edwards sub-standard Winnie the Pooh costume for Spike.

I am editing my tapes and outlining the text of the article and should have it posted next week. Until then, I will do my best to provide updates of the Presidential race seen from my.... ahhhh unique perspective.

Good Night

A superb explanation BigWaveBetty. I loath the man even more now. You do good, thorough work, and are to be commended for you style and content.

Thank you

This post is a response to all of the people who I have been hearing from who are continually slamming our President for doing the right thing. Please forgive the ranting and raving as I am out of my meds until tomorrow......

I think that Jesse Ventura should be the Democratic party candidate for president with Alf the puppet as his running mate. They would have a better chance at getting elected than Kerry and his butt kissing, ambulance chasing, ferret dressing, soon to be running mate, John Edwards.

They are opportunistic poll sucking elitist slime who would say and do anything to get people to vote for them and then make sure their friends benefited from their largesse while in office.

Kerry has already proven himself a man with no morals or principles and conveniently short memory.

This was a man who married an heiress worth 150 million, had 2 kids with her and then when she became depressed, had her committed and then had the marriage annulled so he could marry Theresa Heinz and her 750 million. Think about it, a man who wants to be president abandoned a sick wife and mother of his two kids to marry another beacon hill slut who found his french looking face and principles attractive.

I thought you liberals were smarter than that. At least pick someone who had an appearance of the principles that liberals stand for. Or do you find the attributes that I just mentioned worthy of a president? Oh wait, I forgot, you do! Bill Clinton, another Democratic pillar of virtue showed America that it is not the content of our character that matters, but the ability to say whatever is neccesary to placate you sheep who believe these parasites.

At least our current president had the balls to stand up for what he believes in. Hell, at least our current president BELIEVES in something!

And as for Bush taking away womens rights, tell that to the women in Afganistan who were whipped with metal car antennaes publically at monthly events in Kabuls soccer stadium for walking down a sidewalk without a male family member walking in front of them. Or how about the doctor who was trained at Columbia school of medicine but required to stay at home instead of using her hands to save lives all because she was a woman and legally required not to work. Or maybe you missed how her goverment killed women for being raped. Bush changed that, not clinton, and obviously neither would have kerry as said he would have not gone after the taliban the way Bush did. Try and remember that now women can vote and even hold office in Afganistan.

I am so sick of you whining, loser, punk ass kids who actually think that Bush is a lying evil, and stupid person yet hold up people like Hillary and Bill Clinton as a viable alternative.

If you knew what it took to get an MBA at Harvard even if your daddy was an ambassador at the time you would know how pathetic the whole "stupid" thing is. Research the Harvard MBA program. Better yet, research an easy schools MBA program and then try to say Bush is stupid.

If you can't tell by now, I support our current president....

For GOD so loved the world that HE gave HIS only begotten SON, that whosoever (YOU) believeth in HIM should not perish but have everlasting life JOHN 3:16

It's a Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when somebody runs in from the parking lot yelling, "Turn on a radio, turn on a radio!"

And while the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to it, the announcement is made: "Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital dying from a 'mystery' flu." Within hours it seems, this thing just sweeps across the country.

People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote. Nothing is working! California, Oregon, Arizona, Florida, Massachusetts.

It's as though it's just sweeping in from the borders.

And then, all of a sudden, the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure can be found. A vaccine can be made. It's going to take the blood of somebody who hasn't been infected, and so, sure enough,all through the Midwest, through all those channels of emergency broadcasting,

everyone is asked to do one simple thing: Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken. That's all we ask of you. When you hear the sirens go off in your neighborhood, please make your way quickly, quietly, and safely to the hospitals.

Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night, there is a long line, and they've got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it.

Your wife and your kids are out there, and they take your blood type and they say, "Wait here in the parking lot and if we call your name, you can be dismissed and go home."

You stand around, scared, with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is going on and if this is the end of the world.

Suddenly a young man comes running out of the hospital screaming. He's yelling a name and waving a clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says, "Daddy, that's me."

Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. Wait a minute!

Hold on! And they say, "It's okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure.

We want to make sure he doesn't have the disease. We think he has got the right type." Five tense minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another ... some are even laughing. It's the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor walks up to you and says, "Thank you, sir. Your son's blood type is perfect. It's clean, it is pure, and we can make the vaccine." As the word begins to spread all across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and laughing and crying.

Then the gray-haired doctor pulls you and your wife aside and says, "May we see you for moment? We didn't realize that the donor would be a minor and we need ....... we need you to sign a consent form." You begin to sign and then you see that the number of pints of blood to be taken has been left blank.

"H-how many pints?", you ask.

And that is when the old doctor's smile fades and he says, "We had no idea it would be little child. We weren't prepared. I'm sorry sir, we need it all!"

"But but .. You don't understand."

"We are talking about the world here. Please sign. We need it all!"

"But can't you give him a transfusion?"

"If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign? Would you sign?"

In numb silence, you do.

Then they say, "Would you like to have a moment with him before we begin?"

Can you walk back? Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table saying, "Daddy? Mommy? What's going on?" Can you take his hands and say, "Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything happen to you that didn't just have to be. Do you understand that?"

And when that old doctor comes back in and says, "I'm sorry, we've GOT to get started! People all over the world are dying.

Can you leave?"

Can you walk out while he is saying, "Daddy? Mommy? Daddy?

"Why, why have you forsaken me?"

And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honor your son some folks sleep through it ... some folks don't even come because they go to the lake or the seashore ... some folks come with a pretentious smile and just "pretend" to care. Would you want to jump up and say, "MY SON DIED FOR YOU! DON'T YOU CARE?"

Is that what GOD wants to say? "MY SON DIED FOR YOU. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE?"

"FATHER, Seeing it from YOUR eyes breaks our hearts. Maybe now we can begin to comprehend the great Love YOU have for us."

This Evening, Amzyte, the makers of the leading OTC male enhancement suppliment sold by the same name held a press conference to announce their endorsement of Hillary as their choice for President in 2004.

When asked about the reasons for their choice of candidates to endorse, their spokesman, Don Wong stated "We at Amzyte believe Hillary exemplifies the very attributes that make Amzyte so successful. Like our product she can provide a temporay solution to the feelings of inadequacy faced by many Americans when they are confronted with a hard choice to make. We also believe she, like our product when viewed by others becomes artificially puffed up and seemingly 'larger than life'. Further, the current president and 2004 Republican candidate George Bush appears to be the genuine article and his proponents do not seem to have the same feelings of inadequacy faced by Hillary's. We are simply trying to help democrats overcome their sense of impotence developed during these last four years" The male tissue enhancement products company plans to take out "Bigger" ads in news media outlets around the country stating that when you see an Amzyte ad, you'll say "Wow! Theirs is bigger than mine!" referring of course to the ad size in the newspaper being read. Most political analysts believe that this will be a "Two minute sensation". Hillary could not be reached for comment.

Joan Rivers, spokesman for the Kerry campaign announced that Senator Kerry injured himself rescuing a kitten from a very 'tall' tree earlier today during a campaign stop in Bilesnag, Ohio.

The circumstances of his injury are somewhat suspect. According to noted back injury specialist, Dewey Fleasum MD, The more likely cause of the injury is the senator was trying too hard to kiss his own **S... since he couldn't pat his own back anymore after the recent shoulder injury.

Campaign sources say that Sentaor Edward Kennedy is being pegged for a temporary spot to be Kerrys stand-in Back-Patter and Butt-Kisser.

An alternative raised in the media for the same position is Senator John Cain who, when asked about the appointment possibility stated "Not a scenario I would consider at this time." One must then ask the question of Sen.Cain, WHEN?

Hasn't anybody noticed the irony of the name here? Air America! This is too much! A liberal radio network (makes about as much sense as healthy fast food), names itself after the airline cover name used in Vietnam for the CIA.
One more thing, I thought there already was a liberal radio network- NPR?
I guess it wouldn't be as big a deal if Al replaced Terry Gross on Freshair! for the rest of the campaign season.
I predict this network will go the way of NSync....(it's about as talented).

Well now, I have been properly chastised.....
Let me apologize to you personally if I offended you in making an observation that I still think bears weight. One thing though, I travel to Manhattan monthly and have been doing so for a couple of years, I normally take the bus from LaGuardia to the Port Authority terminal and walk to my hotel. Then I cab to my appointments and other destinations. Because of this I do know Manhattan and can even find my way to Long Island if I need to.
I have never stood on a sidewalk in my overalls gawking at the BIG buildings like lil abner. Next time I might...
However, If you had read my post, you might have found that I truly enjoy driving in Manhattan. It is the most fun I have ever had. I will do so again.(By the way, what are you talking about when referring to being lost and giant maps?)
Also, I am treated just fine in the city. We love the stores, the food, the museums and a million other things. When my son and I took a walk to toys r us at Times Square, He walked behind me holding onto my shoulder.
As amazing as it sounds, have you ever considered the thought that there might be some truth to what I said?
I watch protests all the time in the city against our president, against our country. So how are those New Yorkers helping America?
As far as your crass commercialism and the way you grieve. I have two things to say: 1. Regarding your grief over 9/11, I really do apologize for passing on a remark my 'Hick' wife made to me. It is obviously incorrect.
I do have one question though, why aren't you screaming in the same shrill manner about the hypocrite you have for a senator, Ms.Clinton and all she has done to undermine the security we (us Americans) need?
I live in Northern California. If there is one thing I can say, it is that you can make fun of my city (San Francisco) all you want and I won't mind. Get a sense of humor BABE. Also, since 20 BILLION dollars was given by the federal government to help rebuild what was taken from America on that day, I think it is not at all inappropriate for me to take my family to see the place where some of my tax dollars are going. It means a lot to all Americans and even we still grieve despite going on with our lives.
Lastly, As amazing as it sounds, explaining to my 11 year old son why there are so many 40 foot tall banners of women in underwear is not what I think Manhattan should be about. Oh yeah, that's consumerism...
I wonder, do you think it's good for young kids to constantly be exposed to soft core porn? I'm sure some of you sophisticated and well put together people have children. Do you just tell them "it's ok honey, it's just consumerism"?
Get real, New York is arrogant and you prove it.
fuhgedaboudit.....

Bite me!
This is a surprisingly boring way to express opinions and views.
Way Too Serious......

Good Evening,

I am in Manhattan, New York City, New York, this evening and will be traveling back to my home in Granite Bay, California tomorrow afternoon. So tonight I will offer my impressions on the city known as 'The Center of the Civilized World'. Yeah, right....

New York is an interesting place, I saw a guy, (whose look is now referred to as a Metrosexual) today, wearing sky blue capri pants, with a short white leather jacket walking with his FEMALE companion. This was a man clearly in touch with his feminine side and happily comfortable showing it. He was also wearing shiny black boots with zippers up the sides that reached the hem of his capri pants. I suppose his shiny boots were worn to keep his legs from getting cold. (It was after all, 30 degrees outside.) This was a look that I tried to imagine me, an 41 year old who is 6'3 and 250 lbs wearing.... After I regained consciousness, I reflected that compared to Manhattan, California is a sane place. That is wrong on so many levels.

My scintillating, and strikingly beautiful wife, Lindsey, as well as my soon to be overwhelmingly handsome son, Taylor and I went to Ground Zero last night around 12:00AM to pray at the suggestion of Taylor. (Is that cool or what, a son who when first told of his upcoming trip to Manhattan, offered as his first suggestion to have us go to Ground Zero to pray for our country). This is something I think every American should do. The hole where the World Trade Center stood prior to 9/11 is currently still, a hole. There is building going on but you can see things like the remaining scraps of the shattered underground parking area. My wife commented that New Yorkers appeared to have forgottenor lost their outrage over 9/11 along with most other Americans.

I won't, And neither will my wife and son. My sons prayer was to hope that other cities around the world would not have anything like this happen and to protect the families of the people lost in 9/11. It made my heart ache so deeply to hear a prayer like that come from the heart of an 11 year old boy who usually prefers talking about things like dogs, dragonball z, and hot wheels. Afterward, we silently drove back to our hotel and went to bed.

Now to reflect on life in Manhattan:

The primary sport in New York is obtaining and then flaunting wealth. Love of self is taken to a level that even I, a California native find shocking. Another interesting thing about New York is that people here love health food even more than Californians do.

The activity I enjoy most is driving in Manhattan. I rented a beige Ford Crown Victoria and proceeded to drive as fast and as obnoxious as cabbies here do. It makes me feel alive.

My wife on the other hand is now bedridden at the hotel with lower spine and brainstem injuries that came from the constant stopping, mashing the accelarator, swerving, and then slamming on the brakes again. This is great fun and sport for me as well as my 11 year old son, Taylor, who sits in back and continously laughs hysterically like an adolescent hyena. My wife on the other hand has become deeply traumatized and now will always ride with both hands grasping the handhold next to the passenger window and her feet jammed against the firewall providing a rigid position that looks darned uncomfortable to me and resembles a really lifelike, well dressed, and very attractive store mannekin.

The other things I found out while driving in Manhattan are,

1. Older people can run really fast when you gun your engine as you approach the intersection they are crossing and swerve towards them at the same time.

2. The horn is a weapon.

3. Never make eye contact,

4. There is no such thing as too close while driving in Manhattan.

And last, but not least,

5. Size does matter. Especially when two vehicles are trying to fill the same space at the same time. An action that I've found that consistently proves several laws of physics like mass, velocity, inertia, and gravity.

That is all for now.

Good Night From New York.

Thanks for the advice.....