John Edwards Ferret Scandal Opens Field For Kerry VP Running Mate

3/28/04 | Mr.Fine

[MrFine]

Democratic Vice Presidential hopeful Senator John Edwards Involved in Ferret Scandal

[MrFine]

Last week, a report was written on Senator John Edwards, who up until today was the likely Vice Presidential running mate for Senator John Kerry.

In light of todays startling revelations, most feel Senator Edwards chances are greatly diminished.

So, along with the report of the incident, I have included last weeks report.

After all the news coverage on John Edwards the presidential candidate, lets look for a minute at John Edwards, the man.

Mr. Edwards is a quiet family man who spends most of free time following ambulances around to remind him of the good old days. He has a collection of ferrets he takes everywhere with him on the campaign trail. His favorite ferret is an angry spitting male ferret named Spike.

Mr. Edwards attributes the surly attitude of spike the ferret to the fact that he doesn't like being dressed up in the attractive outfits Mr. Edwards sews for his ferrets to relieve tension. He is quoted as saying, "Spike is so cute in that Winnie the Pooh suit I made him, I pretend I'm Eyeore and we play! It's Pooh Bears job to cheer Eyeore up!"

After a rough day of campaigning, John Edwards likes to wear womens clothing and-oops typo.... I mean he puts on inconspicous clothing and goes out and takes pictures of large people eating. "it's quite soothing" he said. After developing the pictures, he cuts them out in artful shapes and pretends he is an omnicient all-powerful being who arbitrarily decides who may live and who has to die.

Today a spokesman for the John Edwards campaign sent out a press release stating that Senator Edwards was badly mauled by his pet ferret, "Spike" late last night in a hotel room in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

At approximately 1:30 AM guests at the hotel were awakened by a continuous series of high pitched screams at a range that would lead this reporter to believe Senator Edwards was mauled in more "sensitive" areas than his face and neck as reported by his spokesman, Howard Dean.

Earl and Edwina Bilesnag, who were asleep in the room next to Senator Edwards, were interviewed by CNN and said "Well, we were sound asleep and the wall next to ours started thumping like somebody was throwing themselves against it or something. I looked at Edwina and said my gosh, next time lets take the motor home.

Right after that, we heard this scream start, rising in pitch and volume until I was sure it was a woman and I dialed 911. Well then there was a sharp whapp against the wall like someone threw something small against it and then the scream fell off into a series of sobs. We was scared then".

Shortly after the 911 call,Police, Paramedics, and Secret Sevice staff entered the room finding Senator Edwards seated, holding a towel to his face. An ambulance arrived and spirited the senator away and shortly after that a local officer of the SPCA arrived, took a report and left with a cage covered with a towel.

It is hoped that by tomorrow, many unanswered questions will be ummm... answered.

This reporter can only say that apparently ferrets are not nearly as cute up close as they look on the Mr.Rogers Neighborhood Show.

[Rebelbase]

Are you smoking crack?

[JohnnyZ]

I don't think there really is a ferret scandal.

[Qwinn]

Suggestion: An essay intended to be comical should actually include some humor in it.

Qwinn

[K1avg]

It's one thing to disagree with someone politically, it's another to horribly and totally debase them like this.

Since this is totally and undoubtedly false, it could actually be considered libel.

Let's try and keep it to ACTUAL political topics here, alright?

[byteback]

MrFine
Since Mar 26, 2004

[MrFine]

I am a drug free republican, white, married male.
It is good to use a little levity to make a point.
My point is the media does not do any in depth coverage of the dem candidates for fear of something like this popping up.

[EllaMinnow]

I think it's funny.

[MrFine]

I agree.
I wonder, is this as bad as equating President Bush with Hitler?

[alnick]

I am a ... republican...

Somehow I doubt that.

[MrFine]

Remember how several 'credible' journalists equated President Bush with Hitler? It appears to me that at least I made my story entertaining rather than appalling...

[Saundra Duffy]

Well, at least he didn't shove a little critter up his butt.

[MrFine]

It is sad today that someone can not have a sense of humor without being accused of being chemically dependent.

[txhurl]

Strange essay but it is humorous to watch it bubble up in 'latest posts', anyway.

[PFC]

The problem is, it just wasn't funny. It was odd and sort of weird but not funny.

[Flyer]

Humor writing is a tough occupation and only a very few make a good living of it. The rejection notices will be much more numerous than the checks.

[ozzymandus]

Well, I didn't think it was all that funny, but at least you learned a valuable lesson: The self-appointed Post Gestapo have NO sense of humor! At all!

[MrFine]

Thanks for the advice.....

[Little Bill]

Label it Humor or the gods of the lighting Zot might strike the undeserving.

[danamco]

reported by his spokesman, Howard Dean.


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