Dysfunctional Child Announces Republican Affiliation

[MrFine]

It is funny how electric shock can be effective at reminding people of things. For example, look at the scientist Pavlov. Every time he shocked his dogs, he got hungry. Or something like that...

[MrFine]

At 3 years of age, I discovered electricity.

This is a surprisingly vivid memory for being such a young child.

It is funny how electric shock can be effective at reminding people of things. For example, look at the scientist Pavlov. Every time he shocked his dogs, he got hungry. Or something like that...

So my shock induced memory goes like this: While at a babysitters, I was laying on the floor, looking at a lamp on an end table. I remember looking at the light bulb and following it to the wire going into the wall.

To me, it looked like there must be something in those two holes that made the light bulb shine and I had to know what it was. So I looked around on the floor until I found a bobby pin. I took the bobby pin and shoved the ends into the two holes in the wall.

I lit up like a Christmas tree and burned a perfect outline of the bobby pin into my thumb and forefinger.

That hurt.

From that day on, I never had any interest in wall outlets or light bulbs again.

Interestingly enough, my mom continued to use that babysitter after that first episode of self induced shock therapy

When I was 5 years old, I was sentenced to kindergarten.

Kindergarten was most notable to me by the fact that even though we were only there for four hours in the morning. Our teacher, Mrs. Hamilton actually expected us kids to take naps at 9:30 AM. We were told to lie still and actually sleep.

Right.

Imagine telling a five-year-old hyperactive boy to go to sleep right after getting up…And expecting him to actually obey.

We were told that we needed the naps and that we would stunt our growth if we didn’t get enough rest.

I will note that this particular argument as well as several other questionable anatomical threats was used throughout my childhood.

Usually, they were ignored.

Despite this, I managed to hit six feet, three inches tall. I suppose if those threats were true, I should be three feet tall, have warts all over my body, be legally blind, and have hair on my palms.

Back to kindergarten, my older brother Mike, who was in the 5th grade, walked me to school the first couple of weeks and after that, left me to find my own way.

My parents like most other parents in our neighborhood at that time saw nothing wrong with letting a 5 year old boy walk a half a mile to an elementary school in L.A.by himself.

On one of those early journeys I managed to get my first black eye from a psychotic first grader named Robbie.

I think he is now in prison.

That night I showed Mike my black eye and the next day he terrified Robbie so badly he wet his pants and never bothered me again.

I discovered older brothers were good for something after all.

The highlight of my first year in school was finding a stray Great Dane dog on my way home from school.

I took him home with me and named him Friendly.

My parents were less excited about Friendly than I was and my father was sent to find Friendly’s home.

He succeeded. I was crushed. Cried for days. Well maybe more like ten or fifteen minutes.

After this, dad got me a dog. His name was Cain. Cain was a great dog. He was part Collie and part Husky. Cain was a big dog.

Soon after I got Cain, I discovered that he did not like to go down the slide on my swing set. He also did not like to ride in wagons.

His favorite activity was trying to find ways to kill the boxer that lived next door.

I sometimes wonder if they chose that name from a biblical context.

I would ask my dad about this but for the last few years we haven't been talking.

I suppose that is mainly because he is dead.