Free Republic

CLINTON PARDONS SADDAM By Henry Yang Looking at once defiant and dazed, the disgraced former international political celebrity asserts "I am the President of the Republic." Next the cameras turn from Bill Clinton to Saddam Hussein, who, looking at once defiant and dazed, the former disgraced international political celebrity asserts "I am the President of the Republic." Mr. Clinton takes the unusual step of pardoning Hussein, on the grounds that the former Iraqi dictator was unjustly detained on the basis of ethnic profiling. "Were Al Gore president, only 85 year-old Caucasian females would be held for questioning in spider abodes....

RARIFIED SPAM By Henry Yang THE LARGEST DICT EVER CAN NOW BE YOURS!!! With this time-limited offer, the latest iteration of the unabridged Oxford English Dictionary is now available in hard back. Shipping of the 2,000 volume, 14 ton edition requires reserving of an Army C-47 cargo plane and installation of special shock absorbers on your bookshelves. Don't risk embarrassing your teenager daughter by confusing nescience with prescience, enormousness with enormity, or testament with testimony. The First Edition began publication in 1884 under the editorship of James Murray, and was completed in 1928, before the widespread embracement of DSL. Psychiatrists...

THE STONED COUNTER By Henry Yang Our 13 year-old daughter Kelsey meets the legal definition of insolent, and so parenting this teenager is less formidable a challenge than taming Fallujah. During frequent internecine conflicts with her mother, I can almost envision Nancy radioing for back-up. During a family excursion to Wisconsin, The Impudent One prowls around Nancy's childhood bedroom where she discovers a high school diary. Like an oil strike in Qatar, this is a rich find. While Kelsey shows an indifference to most matters academic, her concentration and focus are fully brought to bear as she delights in reading:...

CHENEY BLURTS "F" WORD By Henry Yang David Sanger of the New York Times reports that Vice President Dick Cheney excoriates Saddam Hussein using a vulgar expletive during a heated verbal exchange. Mr. Cheney, under a shroud of secrecy, leaves his undisclosed location to interrogate Mr. Hussein in his undisclosed location. In compliance with demands of the U. N. Human Rights Commission (chaired by a delegate from Cuba), an M. P. from Provincetown, R. I. leads the naked, leashed Mr. Cheney into a polished marble foyer, while Mr. Hussein finishes his late morning tea. To compensate for prior prisoner abuse...

le CARRlON CLAIMS PURPLE HEART By Henry Yang (AP) Boston While ln (Manhattan) Country for a mere four hours, Democratic wait-list nominee Jacques le Carrion incurs an injury for which he petitions the Department of Defense for his third Purple Heart. According to le Carrion's self-report, the insurgent attack occurs at Salon du Jean-Pierre, where one Mr. Henri assaults said Lt. le Carrion with a sharp forged steel weapon. "If the para-cranial injury had been a mere two inches deeper, it could have obliterated the part of my brain that exhorts me to raise my arms and taxes" reports the...

CLINTON UNDERGOES SURGERY By Henry Yang After experiencing mild symptoms Thursday, William Fried Clinton is admitted to New York Presbyterian / Columbia Hospital, where he receives quadruple bypass surgery. President Bush at a campaign stop in West Allis, Wisconsin, sends "best wishes for a swift (boat) and speedy recovery" along with three cases of Hostess Ding Dongs. Meanwhile, Senator John Kerry blames the problem on lying, corrupt Republicans, and adds "There is no proven linkage between double cheeseburgers with extra mayo and heart disease. The current administration knew about this, but failed to act, preferring to mislead the American public...