Posted on 09/15/2004 1:10:16 PM PDT by Henry Yang
CLINTON PARDONS SADDAM
By Henry Yang
Looking at once defiant and dazed, the disgraced former international political celebrity asserts "I am the President of the Republic."
Next the cameras turn from Bill Clinton to Saddam Hussein, who, looking at once defiant and dazed, the former disgraced international political celebrity asserts "I am the President of the Republic."
Mr. Clinton takes the unusual step of pardoning Hussein, on the grounds that the former Iraqi dictator was unjustly detained on the basis of ethnic profiling. "Were Al Gore president, only 85 year-old Caucasian females would be held for questioning in spider abodes. This clearly represents a potential class action discrimination suit", warns America's First Fatuous Felonious President.
"He and I share a common life's path, including dropping 15 on South Beach", the Intrepid Battler of Al Quaeda fondly reminisces.
Political pundits cynically note that the act might represent a veiled attempt to induce Hussein to pledge a $1 billion donation to the Clinton Immemorable Immoral Library. Clinton deftly rebukes such pernicious suggestions with "While some might question my motives, (fugitive) Marc Rich still has a greater net worth than Mr. Hussein, when you consider the fluctuating street value of his cocaine assets."
Simultaneously, Chemical Ali's request for a pardon is denied when the 42nd President learns that the chemicals are neither Levitra nor Corti-slim.
Upon reading that the L. A. Times estimates Teresa Heinz's net worth at $1-3.2 billion, Clinton queries aides "Does she need a pardon? Misdemeanor dancing on the grave of her Republican husband?"
In related legal proceedings, Laurance H. Tribe, the Carl M. Loeb Univ. Professor at Harvard Law School successfully argues before the Ninth U. S. Circuit Court of Appeals that Mr. Hussein was surreptitiously fed non whole wheat fuselli while in custody at an undisclosed northern Italian trattoria, a clear violation of the South Beach Conventions.
As penitence, U. S. Attorney General John Ashcroft accedes to demands by the ACLU that he wear a pair of black laced Abercrombie women's underwear (with a prominent scarlet letter "A" fully displayed) during future news conferences.
Seriously, enough of these stupid vanity posts in the News forum.
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