le CARRlON CLAIMS PURPLE HEART (satire)

original material | 9-13-4 | Henry Yang

[Henry Yang]

le CARRlON CLAIMS PURPLE HEART

By Henry Yang

(AP) Boston

While ln (Manhattan) Country for a mere four hours, Democratic wait-list nominee Jacques le Carrion incurs an injury for which he petitions the Department of Defense for his third Purple Heart.

According to le Carrion's self-report, the insurgent attack occurs at Salon du Jean-Pierre, where one Mr. Henri assaults said Lt. le Carrion with a sharp forged steel weapon. "If the para-cranial injury had been a mere two inches deeper, it could have obliterated the part of my brain that exhorts me to raise my arms and taxes" reports the medal self-nominee. "As it was, part of my personage was amputated, literally severed, and now lies listless near the base of a canary yellow and Canton blue swivel chair" continues le Carrion in the video recreation.

Upon returning to Boston, le Carrion founds Veterans Against the War on Terrorism with this startling proclamation:

"On Ramadan eve 1993, I was strategically positioned inside a holy shrine in Najaf swiftly committing myriad war atrocities under direct orders from President Reagan with the explicit purpose of stopping gay marriages. Under cover of darkness, I surreptitiously placed fois gras in the hummus and Roquefort cheese crumbles on the pita bread of Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army. That date is seared in my memory."

Mr. Henri, founding member of the 527 group Hairstylist Veterans For Truth asserts on Larry King Live "I intended to give him a little trim, but he kept changing positions and that's when I cut off 3 instead of 2.5 cms. He became enraged, threatening to Zippo my studio and kill my French poodle."

Later, le Carrion charges "I told you to trim more before l told you to trim less" relates a perplexed Mr. Henri.

As a compromise, the Dept. of Defense considers awarding a Pink Heart adorned with filigree and enamel decorations.

[Mach9]

JEAN le Carrion.