Posted on 09/13/2004 7:30:10 AM PDT by Henry Yang
CLINTON UNDERGOES SURGERY
By Henry Yang
After experiencing mild symptoms Thursday, William Fried Clinton is admitted to New York Presbyterian / Columbia Hospital, where he receives quadruple bypass surgery.
President Bush at a campaign stop in West Allis, Wisconsin, sends "best wishes for a swift (boat) and speedy recovery" along with three cases of Hostess Ding Dongs.
Meanwhile, Senator John Kerry blames the problem on lying, corrupt Republicans, and adds "There is no proven linkage between double cheeseburgers with extra mayo and heart disease. The current administration knew about this, but failed to act, preferring to mislead the American public with reckless pictures of George Bush unilaterally jogging and eating pretzels rather than croissants." While campaigning in Newark, Ohio, Mr. Kerry exhorts the assembled crowd "I want you all to let out a cheer and the clap that he can hear all the way to New York."
The first symptoms of Mr. W. Fried Clinton are seemingly mild, consisting of white (water) lies. This prompts Dr. Anthony Pucillo to study the patient more thoroughly with angiography. It is then that the team of gathered physicians becomes aghast when they review the radiographic films which document diffuse, systemic, widespread lies, which metastasize to his entire body politic.
When told that the bypass requires a donor vein, Clinton contends "Not a problem. Doc, l can procure the most vain donor with a Presidential pardon."
A quadruple bypass is performed, jumping over four thick plaques comprised of a lifetime of accumulated behavior.
1. Left posterior perfidious 2. Right descending duplicitous 3. Left collateral chicanery 4. Left main mendacious
Upon hearing the news, Senator Hillary Clinton abruptly changes her travel plans. Originally, she is scheduled to visit a friend having surgery coincidentally on the same 5th floor of the hospital. However, her adjusted itinerary indicates that she will return to the couple's house in Chappaqua, New York until Mr. Clinton is released from the hospital, at which time she will conduct her visit to Presbyterian.
The anesthesiologist reports that a pair of specially constructed, conjoined endotracheal tubes is used for administering the oxygen to the lungs, given that the patient is two-faced.
Surgeons explore the rest of the patient, where they discover an inordinate amount of high-octane, 150 proof bile, a finding consistent with the revelation that the largest organ in the body proves to be the... gall bladder.
Since no one else has piped up, let me say this was a great job. My only concern was that it left Clinton in a rather good light, and I realy don't think he deserves it.
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