Free Republic

FILM PROJECTORthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlthlROLL TITLES “It Could Happen Here!”A PRESENTATION OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY JANET NAPOLITANO, DIRECTOR IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATIONTHE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICEAND THE HOUSE ANTI-TAX ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE AN IOWAHAWK EDUCATIONAL FILMS PRODUCTIONSCROLL

An Official Announcement from Henry T. FalborneAssistant Undersecretary, Humor DivisionUnited States Toxic Weblog Recovery Administration Acting Chief Blogging Officer, IowahawkUSTWRA / FOIA reference G(6)-11.3007:bDear Weblog Stakeholder:On March 7, 2009, David Burge, Chief Blogging Officer of iowahawk.typepad.com (herein after denoted as “Iowahawk”) presented written testimony before the official review board of the TWRA citing the Iowahawk Corporation’s untenable business model and requesting “some of that sweet bailout cash” for debt service and other financial relief. In his documentation, he said that unless such assistance were forthcoming, he would be forced to layoff two part-time Iowahawk employees listed as “Kyle” and “Pedro.”The...

(With apologies to Rod Serling)ACT 1SCENE 1A stark dressing room in the underbelly of the White House, bathed in the dim yellow light of a 25-watt compact fluorescent bulb. The dingy walls are plastered with Shepard Fairey “HOPE” posters. Off stage is heard the cringing, muffled gasps of a stunned arena audience. Suddenly the door bursts open and enters BARACK “BAM BAM” OBAMA, former champion, unconscious on a stretcher carried by his handlers -- cut man TWINKLETOES EMANUEL, manager PAPPY AXELROD, SPITBUCKET BEGALA and SPINDOC GREENBURG. His nose is bleeding profusely, his eyes nearly swollen shut, and his forehead is...

NEW YORK - Major stock indexes posted broad gains on heavy trading early Tuesday on news that a rogue group of student protesters from New York University had taken over the White House and barricaded themselves in the Oval Office. The Dow posted a 1100 point (17%) gain in the first hour of trading, wiping out nearly all of its loss since January 20 and almost 35% of losses since November 4.“Finally, we’re seeing encouraging signs of sanity in Washington,” said UBS market analyst Jane Cohen.The market rally lifted issues across the board, with 87% of stocks showing gains. Market...

WASHINGTON - U.S. Energy Secretary Stephen Chu announced his resignation this morning amid new reports that Alameda County workers had unearthed more than a dozen additional dead hobo bodies at his former home in Berkeley, California. The Nobel Prize-winning physicist had been the subject of a week-long controversy after he amended his White House application form to declare “3 or 4” hobo corpses in his crawl space, but after this morning’s discovery, Chu said he felt he could no longer serve as an effective spokesman for Administration energy policy.“Getting America on the road to energy independence requires a secretary focused...

By T. Coddington Van Voorhees VIIColumnist, The National Topsider Membership Chairman, The Newport ClubWhen my late father T. Coddington Van Voorhees VI founded the iconoclastic conservative journal National Topsider in 1948, he famously declared that “Now is the time for all good conservative helmsmen to hoist the mizzen, pour the cocktails, and steer this damned schooner hard starboard.” In the 60 years since he first uttered it after one-too-many Cosmopolitans at one of Pamela Harriman’s notorious foreign policy black tie balls, father’s pithy bon mot has served as a rallying cry for conservatives from Greenwich to Chevy Chase. Today, I...

Iowahawk’s regular relationship advice expert Barack Obama is on leave today, preparing for the upcoming presidential debate. Filling in today is our all-star cast of personal growth experts.

By Gwen Ifill PBS Chief Political Correspondent and Gwen Ifill President, Ifill Center for Media Ethics and Gwen Ifill Editor, BarackBeat FanzineWASHINGTON - As expected, a blue ribbon panel from the Ifill Center for Media Ethics cleared award-winning political journalist Gwen Ifill of all charge today, ending a lengthy 20 minute investigation into “ethics” charges that most observers believe were motivated by politics and racism. Ifill, like dynamic groundbreaking President-in-Waiting Barack Obama, is Black. The complete exoneration clears the way for Ifill to moderate the Vice Presidential debate tonight between respected Senate veteran Joe Biden and former beauty pageant loser...

Obama volunteers canvas local manLAS VEGAS, NV -- Barack Obama stepped up his attacks on Republican rival John McCain today during a campaign stop in Nevada, telling supporters to “get in the faces” of wavering voters with his message of hope, change, and “brass fisties.”“Righty right, me malenky droogs,” said Obama, nonchalantly spinning a steel baton while pacing the stage before a packed audience at a Las Vegas baseball stadium. “Come with uncle and hear all proper! Hear angel trumpets and devil trombones. You are all invited. I want you to talk to them whether they are independent or whether...

An Open Letter to Sarah PalinBy Wile E. ReporterNational Political Correspondent, MSNBCNNABS(Medius Vulgaris)*Knock Knock Knock*Good afternoon, madam. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Wile E. Reporter, investigative correspondent for an international network news gathering organization. No doubt you may have seen my award-winning coverage, assuming your igloo is equipped with a satellite dish. No, I am not selling anything nor am I working my way through college, so let’s get down to cases. You are a Republican candidate, and I am going to eat you alive. Now don’t try to get away! I am more educated, more cunning,...

When Clark Rockefeller made news after he abducted his daughter, he was believed to be a member of one of America’s “royal’ families. But, as Philip Sherwell reveals, the man of many aliases turns out to be no more than a German exchange student who never returned home - and went on to lead a life of deception.His calling card, embossed with its Latin family motto, boasted the upper-class credentials of a peer: Christopher Chichester, 13th baronet. But all was not as it seemed. Not only was the name of the bespectacled young man with the well-pressed suits and “English”...

Dear BarryMore tips from America’s premier relationship expert Dear Barry:I try to get along with the people in my neighborhood, but sometimes it can be difficult. Take for example my neighbor “Mahmoud.” Last weekend while I was seeding my lawn, he drove back and forth slowly in front of my house “flipping the bird” from his minivan, which is painted with pictures of bloody corpses and mushroom clouds and “welcome 12th Imam.”  Normally I wouldn’t have given it a second thought (I get “fingered” by a lot of the neighbors), but lately I’ve noticed he has been working on some...

Iowahawk Guest Opinionby Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY)From the earliest days of the campaign, the race for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination has been a hard fought, neck-and-neck struggle. But now, as the race enters its final stretch, it has become increasingly obvious that the eventual outcome is no longer in doubt. With a difficult general election looming, Democrats need to put our family squabbles aside and unite behind the eventual nominee. And so, in the interest of Party unity, and his own health, I am calling on Senator Obama to gracefully accept defeat.First, let me congratulate Senator Obama and his...

Advice for the LovelornDear Barry:I’ve been married to the same wonderful man -- Let’s call him “Jeremiah” -- for 20 years. He’s a great provider and we live in a beautiful home. He dotes on me and treats me like a queen; even after twenty years he still brings me little gifts and opens doors for me. Best yet, our sex life is fantastic!  Jeremiah enjoys spicing things up with role-play, such as “Adolf and Eva,” and we host weekly swinger get-togethers for like-minded couples. I know it probably must sound kind of kinky, but trust me - it...

Advice for the LovelornDear Barry:I’ve been married to the same wonderful man -- Let’s call him “Jeremiah” -- for 20 years. He’s a great provider and we live in a beautiful home. He dotes on me and treats me like a queen; even after twenty years he still brings me little gifts and opens doors for me. Best yet, our sex life is fantastic!  Jeremiah enjoys spicing things up with role-play, such as “Adolf and Eva,” and we host weekly swinger get-togethers for like-minded couples. I know it probably must sound kind of kinky, but trust me - it...

Advice for the LovelornDear Barry:I’ve been married to the same wonderful man -- Let’s call him “Jeremiah” -- for 20 years. He’s a great provider and we live in a beautiful home. He dotes on me and treats me like a queen; even after twenty years he still brings me little gifts and opens doors for me. Best yet, our sex life is fantastic!  Jeremiah enjoys spicing things up with role-play, such as “Adolf and Eva,” and we host weekly swinger get-togethers for like-minded couples. I know it probably must sound kind of kinky, but trust me - it...

Wing Commander Paddy Barthropp, who died on April 16 aged 87, was one of the RAF’s most ebullient and colourful characters; he fought in the Battle of Britain, escaped twice from prisoner-of-war camps and later became a test pilot and a winning jockey in Hong Kong.Aged 19 Barthropp joined No 602 Squadron to fly Spitfires from an airfield on the south coast. His first day of action was September 15 1940, the climax of the Battle, when he was airborne four times. In his excitement he managed to fire off all his ammunition during each engagement and readily acknowledged that...

[ed. note - found in a dumpster behind a West Hollywood antique shop: first draft of wine critic / Mr. Blackwell wannabe Matthew DeBord’s gripping op-ed for the Los Angeles Times. h/t: Uncle Jimbo at BlackFive]by Matthew DeBordGen. David H. Petraeus may be as fabulous a military professional as the United States has developed in recent years, but let’s face it, girlfriend - when it comes to the Fashion Theater, this showy soldier needs to call in the Makeover Marines. Oh snap!Witness his congressional testimony on the state of the war in Iraq. There he sits in gaudy Army regalia,...

The action-adventure genre got a sexy shot in the arm in 1983 with the debut of Hillary’s Hellcats, the Friday night NBC series starring Farrah Sansabelt-Haggar as Hillary Dale, leader of an undercover international all-girl danger squad. The series is best remembered as the launching pad for starlet Quiana Morganny, whose bikini-clad portrayal of singing Hellcat Sheryl Ravencroftington led to millions of dorm poster sales, two top-20 singles, and a career as spokeswoman for Eco-Soft toilet tissue. Despite its fast-paced action and feminist empowerment message, the show generated lackluster Nielsens and was canceled after only 12 episodes. Some TV critics...

An Iowahawk Special Investigative ReportWith Statistical Guidance from the New York TimesA Denver newspaper columnist is arrested for stalking a story subject. In Cincinnati, a television reporter is arrested on charges of child molestation. A North Carolina newspaper reporter is arrested for harassing a local woman. A drunken Chicago Sun-Times columnist and editorial board member is arrested for wife beating. A Baltimore newspaper editor is arrested for threatening neighbors with a shotgun. In Florida, one TV reporter is arrested for DUI, while another is charged with carrying a gun into a high school. A Philadelphia news anchorwoman goes on a...