Free Republic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid startling allegations of a bribery scheme that involved foreign nationals giving the Biden family millions of dollars in exchange for policy changes, the President spoke to journalists this morning on the White House lawn. During his talk, he offered them money in exchange for not talking about the bribery. "Listen newspaper people, just drop the story, ok? Please? I'll give you five dollars," said the President, fumbling around in his pocket. "This is a nothingburger! I'll give this crisp new five-dollar bill to whoever agrees to stop talking about my highly lucrative bribery operation! Ooh! And...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Appearing before the Senate beneath a mysterious, hooded robe, California Senator Diane Feinstein addressed the hushed audience, speaking in a gravelly, Sidious-like voice. "An attempt on my life by the Jedi has left me scarred and deformed, but I assure you my resolve has never been stronger," said Feinstein to roaring applause. "I feel great now! The Democrat Party is a pathway to many abilities some would consider to be... unnatural." Feinstein then said proclaimed that she hopes to serve in Congress for another 100 years. "Power! Unlimited power!" shouted the scarred senator over the applause while...

Heavenly Father - thank you that I, David French, am so much more righteous than all the other white evangelicals in the world. It is such a deep privilege, every Lord's Day, to publicly proclaim in the pages of the New York Times how stupid and bigoted white evangelicals are - with one exception (me, David French). What a gift it is to be me. Yes, I thank you Lord! Thank you that I am not like those evil "Christians" who declined the COVID vaccine. From my seat atop this shining hill of righteousness, I can write articles declaring those...

ANNAPOLIS, MD — As part of its push for diversity and inclusiveness in recruitment, the United States Navy has announced that it will provide unlimited Bud Light for all new recruits. The Navy hopes this offer will entice recruits with an even broader range of alternative lifestyles to join the service."This offer will entice exactly the type of recruits we're looking for," said Rear Admiral Alexis "Lex" Walker, who runs Navy Recruiting Command. "With drag queens serving as the face of Navy recruitment and Bud Light serving as our official recruitment beverage, we'll be narrowing our efforts to a very...

ALBANY, NY — Lawmakers in New York have taken action to ban the use of gas stoves in residential buildings after newly discovered footage revealed a gas stove participating in the January 6, 2021 U.S. Capitol Building riot. "We have to root out this type of extremism wherever we find it," said New York Governor Kathy Hochul. "These types of stoves not only cause damage to our environment but we now have proof that they stand with enemies of the United States. These stoves must be banned to save our planet and democracy itself." The footage which was shown only...

MOSCOW — After an attempted drone strike assassination on the Kremlin this week, Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed swift retaliatory action, beginning with a targeted misgendering of U.S. Admiral Rachel Levine. "This Ukrainian attempt to assassinate me using American drones and American missiles is an egregious breach of international law, and it will not go unanswered. So today I am announcing that Rachel Levine is a man," said Putin angrily. "This is but a taste of the destructive power Russia will unleash on the West." "Imagine what might happen to your armed forces once they're all made to feel less...

HOLLYWOOD, CA — An inexplicably-unforeseen outcome has begun to take form since Hollywood writers began their writer's strike to demand more writerly benefits for writers. Newly released movies and shows have improved in quality by exponential levels, packing theaters and raking in huge profits. Millions of moviegoers have surprised critics by flocking to big screens to see films in which preachiness and intersectionality have been replaced with good storytelling. "It was pretty jarring at first watching something not composed entirely of cookie-cutter sassy black women and gay dudes," said renewed moviegoer Michael McHale exiting a theater, "It felt wrong watching...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a testy exchange with an interviewer for Meet the Press last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci claimed he never locked down schools and hasn't even heard of COVID. "COVID? I've never even heard of such a thing! What is COVID? That sounds made up!" said the former NIAID Director and COVID advisor to the President. "And I certainly had nothing to do with locking down schools and destroying kids' learning and development for over a year. What kind of monster would do something like that? You must have me confused with someone else." The interviewer then nervously...

The historic leader in primetime cable ratings Fox News was dominated last night by an unemployed man filming a selfie video in his partially-finished basement. "This guy chatting for a few minutes in his underwear and a blazer just completely blew Fox News out of the water," said Nielsen executive Roger Millican. "It was a ratings bloodbath." The unemployed man reportedly posted the basement selfie video on Twitter around 7 p.m., and by 7:02 p.m. had gained more viewers than the entire Fox News primetime lineup. "We got demolished," said a Fox News producer, on condition of anonymity. "Our viewers...

NEW YORK, NY — As part of a plan to broaden its audience, the long-running daytime talk show The View has announced former Fox News host Tucker Carlson will be joining the program's panel. Producers hope Carlson's presence will both draw new viewers and educate current cast members. "Tucker's going to be a great addition," said Executive Producer Brian Teta. "Not only will we reap the benefits of bringing in a more politically conservative audience but our other co-hosts will benefit from hearing new political perspectives! Win-win!" Early test footage shows Carlson surrounded by laughing women looking perplexed, apparently shocked...

NEW YORK, NY — After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News. "Yes, we realize he delivered the most successful cable news program of all time, but we felt embarrassed by him at our Manhatten cocktail parties," said Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. "When we tried to get invited to fancy, sophisticated gatherings, people said: 'Ewwww, aren't you the Tucker Carlson people?' and that made us feel sad. Curse you, Tucker, for making us feel sad!" When reached for a reaction, Tucker simply stared dumbfoundedly at our reporter for...

U.S. — The American Medical Association has officially added "The View" to its pain scale to help patients better understand what is meant by the term "worst pain possible." "In that case, I guess my pain is a nine," said trauma patient Bill Reynolds, whose femur was currently lodged in his own spleen. "Please change the channel." With "The View" as a comparison, the pain rating of horrific injuries has fallen dramatically. "Sure, my skull is shattered - but that seems about half as bad as watching 'The View', so I'll go with a five," said car wreck survivor Glenn...

NEW YORK, NY — The creative minds behind the long-running children's television show Sesame Street have partnered with Hasbro to come up with what they believe will be this year's hot new toy: the Transition Me Elmo doll. "This is the perfect toy to give to children of any age!" said Samantha Maltin, Chief Marketing & Brand Officer at Sesame Workshop. "No matter the stage of your child's development, there's no wrong time to introduce them to the exciting new world of gender reassignment! Transition Me Elmo will have your youngster questioning their identity in no time!" The new...

CHICAGO, IL — After Walmart announced plans to close 4 store locations in dangerous Chicago neighborhoods, Chicago Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson issued a dire warning that this will leave many Chicagoans with fewer places to shoplift. "Citizens of this great city have the fundamental right to steal merchandise in their own communities without resorting to traveling to other neighborhoods," said Johnson at a local protest against the store closings. "If our youths don't have a safe place to work, shop, shoplift, loot, fight, do drugs, terrorize citizens, and smash windows, they may participate in riskier shoplifting, looting, and drug-consuming in affluent...

Babylon Bee CEO Seth Dillon said Wednesday that the satire outlet, podcaster Tim Pool, and Minds, Inc. filed a lawsuit against California’s attorney general, alleging a new law regulating social media companies violates the First Amendment. In a Substack post, Dillon wrote that the plaintiffs filed the complaint against California attorney general Rob Bonta to stop state officials from enforcing AB 587, a new law that took effect this year that requires social media companies to file quarterly reports detailing content moderation policies with the Attorney General’s Office. Such content moderation policies include several speech categories the state could label...

There are demons out there, y'all. An entire unseen world doing battle for everyone's souls, and we're just stuck here in the middle of it, eating our ramen noodles and watching reality TV. Just think, you may be possessed by a demon right now and you don't even know it! With a wide variety of crises like soaring gas prices, countries on the brink of starting World War 3, and Lizzo appearing in The Mandalorian, the last thing you need to be dealing with right now is demon possession. That's why The Babylon Bee has put together this useful list...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid the controversy surrounding the attack on women's rights activist and NCAA swimming champion Riley Gaines, a new report indicated a burly male trans activist shouted "I'm a victim!" as he punched a woman squarely in the face."You people don't get it!" shouted the muscular, blue-haired man as he repeatedly struck the tiny woman in the jaw. "Trans people have the right to expose their genitalia in locker rooms to anyone they want! Stop threatening us and being violent!"

U.S. — In the days after disturbing footage surfaced of the Dalai Lama engaging in grossly inappropriate conduct with a child, the Buddhist leader has been inundated with requests from public libraries across the U.S., Canada, and Europe to read to kids in special "Dalai Lama Story Hours." "As soon as we saw the clip, we knew we needed to have this guy reading stories to vulnerable kids at one of our library locations," said Jason Kucsma, the Director of the Toledo Public Library. "Our passion is to get as many innocent kids in a room with creepy grown single...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A group of young children participating in an Easter Egg hunt at the White House found themselves at the center of unexpected controversy after they discovered more of President Joe Biden's classified documents hidden inside some of the colorful Easter eggs. Parents alerted the FBI, who then arrived on the scene to investigate. "We were just having a normal egg hunt when little Samuel found a bunch of top-secret documents," said one child's father, Thomas Gordon. "He ran towards me waving a stack of papers and started asking me why the government is selling captured alien weapons...

SARASOTA, FL — California Governor Gavin Newsom made a surprise visit to Florida this week, as even he can't stand being in California anymore. "It's so great to be among the great people of Florida, on the other side of the country, miles, and miles, and miles away from California," said Newsom to a group of college students who were being given class credit to show up. "I feel so sorry for you people living under DeSantis's tyranny, what with your clean sidewalks, safe neighborhoods, and beaches with no tent cities on them. So terrible!" "Say, do you think I...