Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth
I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and
I need some fun jokes to go in them!
Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.
I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.
Tell my ex-wife!
I didn't mean your ex-wife is a joke.
I did!
...No EyeDeer
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
...Still no EyeDeer
What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes, and no genitalia?
...Still no f***** EyeDeer.
Have you seen the new Maurice Clarett bobblehead doll?
The head stays still but the jaws flap.
Elefino
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You nique up on it.
An old joke from the 80's that young soldiers may not understand, but worth a try: Have you seen the new movie about Dan Quayle's Vietnam War experience? It's called "Full Dinner Jacket."
I see you were in the court when my ex gave her testimony.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."
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A lady placed an ad in the classifieds : "Husband wanted."
The next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy ?"
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married ... and then it was too late."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"
"And what was he before you married him?",asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.
LOL - now I can sleep. Later, kid...
John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
Nighty night, Senator. Sweet dreams.
One Day at the North Pole...
One Christmas long, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. There was one problem after another that year; a few of the best elves came down with the flu, and the trainee elves didn't make toys as fast as the usual guys so Santa was really feeling the pressure of being behind schedule.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out somewhere. He ran around in a panic until he found them, then went inside and Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit! Needless to say, this stressed poor Santa even more.
Then, when he began to load up the sleigh, one of the runners cracked and the sack fell to the ground and scattered toys everywhere. Fuming, Santa found a couple of carpenter elves to fix the sleigh and went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found that the elves had been hitting the liquor and there was nothing left to drink. An empty bottle fell out of the cabinet and shattered all over the floor. Scowling, he went to get the broom and found that mice had chewed up the straw and it was hardly usable.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa muttered and cursed to himself all the way to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel there, dragging a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "I'm running late, where do you want me to put this tree, fat man?"
And that is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!
I scanned but didn't see this one, so ...
Q: What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Sorry, I'll have to re do this.
I thought you said you wanted FILTHLY jokes for the troops not fifty jokes...
5000 lawsuits!
Pray for W and Our Troops
For the holiday season:
A wealthy man is wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. She has everything she wants; a nice home, fine clothes, a fancy car, jewels and more. Suddenly he realizes that there is one thing she doesn't have.
Christmas morning, she unwraps her gift. Inside a box she finds a plot map, brochure, and a receipt for her final resting place under a tree, on a hill, overlooking the sea. He explains how they have shared their life together, he has given her everything she will ever need in this life, but he wanted to make sure her afterlife was taken care of too.
"Oh, this is a very nice and thoughtful gift" she said and gaves him a big hug.
The next year comes around, and the wife wakes up Christman morning. "What did you get me this hear, dear" she asks coyly.
"Nothing", the husband replies.
"Nothing?" she asks. "How could you not get me anything?"
"Well" he says, "you didn't even use the gift I gave you last year!".
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