I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1273305/posts ^ | 11-28-04 | patriciaruth

[patriciaruth]

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

I need some fun jokes to go in them!

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.

[Jack Deth]

What do you call a situation that centers on 10,000 ACLU lawyers buried up to their necks in concrete?

Not enough concrete!

Jack.

[skr]

RE #48: Wonderful!

[processing please hold]

cool

[festus]

maybe long and maybe poor taste....

but side splittin hillarious.

[processing please hold]

LOL

[JustAmy]

Hi

I haven't read the entire thread, so some of these may be repeats. If so Sorry ......

1. A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."


2. A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"


3. A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."


4. A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week after the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"


5. A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited -- she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.
"Hi hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


6. Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.

On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.


7. The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."


8. A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I
see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.


"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"


The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day."


"From hunger, you mean?"


"No, from skipping.


9. A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


10. A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

[Gandalf_The_Gray]

Subject: Gift from God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they Decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.


Subject: Talking Duck

A duck walked into a store and asked "got any grapes". The manager said no. The duck walked out.

The next day the duck walks into the store again. He asked the manager if he had any grapes. After the manager said no the duck walked out.

This continued for a few days until the manager had enough of it. To the duck he said "If you come in here and ask for grapes one more times I will nail your feet to the floor."

The next day the duck walks in and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says no. The duck then asks if he has any grapes.


Subject: Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


Subject: Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."



Subject: Dogs

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?


Subject: Relativity

There were these two college students who needed one more class to graduate. Tom was going over to the college to register and Bob said "register me for the easiest class you can find, something like underwater basket weaving...". Tom goes over to the college and is reading the class guide when one of the advisors comes up to him and asks if he can help. Tom explains the situation and the advisor suggests that the two young men take a class called "Relative Theory".
Tom says "I don't know, that sounds pretty hard, we were looking for something really easy". The advisor replies "Well son, let me give you an example... Lets say you asked the question do you have a lawn mower? And the person answers yes, you could assume that this person probably has grass and if they have grass then they probably live in a house or condo - right?" Tom says "Yes, that makes sense". Then the advisor says "If they live in a house or condo, you could make the assumption they might be married - right?". Tom says "Yes". Then the advisor says "If they are married, then this person would be a heterosexual - right?". Tom says "Yes, I see - that's relative theory".
So Tom goes back to the dorm and Bob says "So, what easy class did you get us"? Tom says "Relative Theory". Bob says " Wow, that sounds hard". Tom says "No, it's actually pretty simple, let me give you an example - Do you have a lawnmower? Bob says "No". Tom says "faggot".


Subject: Headline

Small Plane Crashes in Central Poland:
A small, two-seater Cessna 152 airplane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. So far, Polish Search and Rescue workers have recovered more than 300 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


Subject: Yoopers Compute

WHO SEZ YOOPERS DON'T KNOW COMPUTERS

LOG ON - Makin' da wood stove hotter
LOG OFF - Don't add no more wood
MEGAHERTZ - When da big log drops on da bare foot in da morning.
FLOPPY DISK - WHAT YOU GET FROM PILIN' TOO MUCH WOOD
RAM - DA HYDRAULIC THING THAT MAKES DA WOOD SPLITTER WORK
HARD DRIVE - GETTIN' HOME DURING MOST OF WINTER IN YOOPER LAND
PROMPT - WHAT YOU WISH DA MAIL WAS DURING DA SNOW SEASON
WINDOWS - WHAT YOU SHUT WHEN IT GETS 10 BELOW
CHIP - WHATG YOU MUNCH DURING FOOTBALL SEASON
MICRO CHIP - WHAT'S LEFT IN DA BAG WHEN DA REGLAR CHIPS ARE GONE
MODEM - WHAT YOU DID TO THE HAY FIELDS LAST JULY
DOT MATRIX - EINO MATRIX'S WIFE
LAPTOP - WHERE DA GRANDKIDS SIT
KEYBOARD - WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HANG ALL YOUR KEYS SO DA WIFE CAN FIND EM.
MOUSE - WHAT LEAVES DOSE LITTLE TURDS IN DA CUBBORD.
MAIN FRAM - DA PART OF DA OUTHOUSE THAT HOLDS UP DA ROOF
PORT - WHER DA COMMERCIAL FISHIN BOATS DOCK
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY - WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU SPEND ON DA NEW DEER RIFLE WHEN DA WIFE ASKS ABOUT IT


Subject: Addicted

You know you're addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8 ..ISDN ..cable modem ..T1 ..T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.


Subject: Cleaner Polishes Off Patients

South African Health - Pelonomi Hospital

Date: 26 July 1996 10:08

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State,
South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths."
It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."


Subject: More Rules

Don't Eat The Fruit

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", said God.
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling His children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?


Subject: Talking Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away Our prayers have been answered"


Subject: African Roulette

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."


Subject: Are you the one who . . . ?

---

| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 |
| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 |
| Hand Job: $10.00 |

---

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Subject: Charity

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an
extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."


Subject: The Two Priests

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in
and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's
forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."


Subject: The Dead Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."


Subject: Truck Driver?

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."


Subject: Dog Dictionary

* DOGGY DICTIONARY **

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To
do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts
of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.


Just when you thought all the Clinton/Lewinsky jokes were over, along came...

Subject: A Gal Named Lewinsky

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Clinton to young Ms Lewinsky
"We mustn't leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you look such a mess
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known;
An intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
If something is going to be blown.

There was a young girl named Lewinsky
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Ken Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"


Subject: Your always here for me

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."


Subject: How Smart are you?

THE IDIOT TEST

Scoring guide:
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

---

Questions

---

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?

---

Answers

---

1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.


Subject: One Liners
*Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
*Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
*If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
*Would the Standing Committee please sit down?
*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
*87.313% of statistics are made up as they are used!


*The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 years.
*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
*Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...
*It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
*For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
*Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
*Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.


Subject: Golf Pro

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"


Regards,
GtG

[Mrs. Shawnlaw]

Where did General Patton put his armies? In his sleevies!
What's round on both ends and high in the middle? Ohio!
What do you call a lazy buffalo? A buffaloafer!
What has two banks but no money? A river!

[andie74]

What a fun thread! God bless our men and women in uniform!


Computer Viruses -- These are some recent viruses that have been discovered. Be sure to run anti-virus software at regular and frequent intervals.

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows

[WolfRunnerWoman]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[jtill]

I knew it, I knew it. They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

[WolfRunnerWoman]

Things you wish you could say at work:


1. Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

17. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

22. No, my powers can only be used for good.

23. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. 24. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

25. Do I look like a people person?

26. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

27. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

28. You!...Off my planet!

29. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

30. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

31. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

32. Allow me to introduce my selves.

33. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

34. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

35. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

37. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

38. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

39. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

40. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

41. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

42. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

43. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

44. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

45. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

46. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

[WolfRunnerWoman]

El Vaquero (The Mexican Cowboy) and his Chihuahua, Chilito, are camping in the desert. He sets up their tent and both are soon asleep.

Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his faithful friend. "Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, senor." "What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.

Chilito ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, senor?"

El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says, "Chilito, you pendejo. Someone has stolen our tent."

[Gandalf_The_Gray]

Women's View of Men

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and theyre always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Slinky toys.
They're not good for much, but they make you smile when they fall down the stairs.

Regards Ladies,
GtG

[Gandalf_The_Gray]

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Yes but Moses invests!

Regards,
GtG

[DaveTesla]

The Golden River By I.P. Freely.

[the_gospel_of_thomas]

Here is another view of the same photo: (Link goes to the explanation)


Picture shows that this guy has been thru Survival School. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by future POW's to send messages back to our intelligence services viewing the photo or video. This guy was being coerced into holding hands with Hillary. Little did she know that he would tell us.

Related story, may be from the same time:

Sen. Hillary Clinton's Thanksgiving visit forced U.S. troops in Afghanistan to wait for their holiday dinner.

[Senator Pardek]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[Victoria Delsoul]

OMG! LOL! You're cruel.

[Go Gordon]

The best sports quote I can remember was from Tampa Bay's original coach, McKay. In the midst of the NFL's longest losing streak ever, and having difficulty scoring points a reporter asked McKay: "What do think about the execution of your offense?" To which McKay said: "I'm all for it."