Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth
I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and
I need some fun jokes to go in them!
Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.
I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead.
A blonde was down on her luck and decided she would have to kidnap a kid for ransom. So, she kidnapped a kid and told him, "I've kidnapped you!" and pinned a note to his shirt which read: I have kidnapped your kid and want $10,000 put in a paper bag to be sent back with the kid tomorrow to this exact spot. Signed, A Blonde.
Next day, the kid returned to the exact spot with the paper bag filled with $10,000 in cash and a note pinned to his shirt which read: OK. Here is your $10,000 ransom, but how could you do this to a fellow blonde?! Signed, Also A Blonde.
Twinkie
You might be a "Redneck" if . . . . .
...Most of your relatives' last words were, "Hay y'all, watch this"
...You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
...Your boat has not left the yard in 15 years.
...You've ever used lard in bed.
...Your coffee table is an old telephone cable spool.
...You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
...You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
...Your home has more miles on it than your car.
...Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
...You've ever been arrested for loitering.
...You think potted meat and crackers is an hors d'ouvre.
...There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
...You hammer bottle caps to the frame of your door to make it look nice.
...You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
...You own a homemade fur coat.
...Your wife climbs a tree faster than your cat.
...Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
...You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
...There's at least five McDonald's bags on your floorboard.
...Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
...There is a wasp nest in your living room.
...The Home Shopping Channel recognizes your voice.
...You give your dad a gallon of Pepto Bismol for his birthday.
...There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
...You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
...You consider a six pack and a bug zapper high quality entertainment.
...Fewer than half of your cars run.
...You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
...The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
...Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
...Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
...Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
...You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
...You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
...Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
...Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to fix it.
...You hang around the mistletoe and wait for Granny and cousin Sue to walk by.
...Your favorite T shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
...You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
...You're an expert on worm beds.
...The dog catcher calls for backup when he visits your house.
...Your wife has said, "Move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
...Your family tree does not fork.
...The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
...You haul more than U Haul.
...Your momma has ever announced, "The feud is back on!"
...There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
...Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
...Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
...Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
...Your baby's first words are "Attention K Mart shoppers."
...The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
...Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
...You've ever financed a tattoo.
...You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
...Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
...Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
...You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
...You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
...The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
...You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
...The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
...Your brother in law is your uncle.
...You family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor.
...You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
...Grandma was asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
...You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
...You refuse to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" lost.
...the only condiment on the table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
...The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
...You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
...You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
...You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
...Birds are attracted to your beard.
...The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
...Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
...Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
...You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
...Bikers back down from your momma.
...You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
...Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
...You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
...Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
...You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
...You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
...a phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
...You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
...You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
...You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
...You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
...You clean your nails with a stick.
...You prefer car keys to Q tips.
...Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
...People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
...You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
...You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
...You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
...You've ever been too drunk to fish.
...You've ever bought a used cap.
...You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
...You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
...Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
...You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
...You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
...You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
...Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
...In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
...Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
...You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
...You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
...Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
...Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
...The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
...Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
...Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
...Your kids are hungry because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
...You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
...You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
...You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
...Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
...You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
...Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
...You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
...You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
...Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
...The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
...You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
...Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
...Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
...You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
...You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
...You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
...You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of
Tattoos.
...You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
...The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4 H Fair.
...You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
...Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
...Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
...You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
...You mow your lawn and find a car.
...You can spit without opening your mouth.
...Going to the bathroom at night involves putting on shoes and grabbing a flashlight.
...You go shopping for your cousin and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
...You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
...You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
...You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
...You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
...You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
...You've never paid for a haircut.
...You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and
thermal underwear.
...There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
...You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
...You've ever made change in the offering plate.
...The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
...You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the
shirt sleeve...
...You own at least 20 baseball hats.
...You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
...You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
...You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
...When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
...Your screen door has no screen.
...Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon".
...Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
...You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
...You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
...Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
...You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
...Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
...You have an Elvis Jell o mold.
...You have the taxidermist's number on speed dial.
...You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
...You've been to a funeral and there were more pick ups than cars.
...You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
...You just bought an 8 track player to put in your car.
...There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
...It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
...You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary
colors.
...You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's
honor.
...Your vehicle has a two tone paint job primer red and primer gray.
...The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
...Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
...The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
...You check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a plug of
tobacco.
...You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
...You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
...Your kid takes a siphon hose to show and tell.
...You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
...You fish in your above ground pool. . . and catch something.
...When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
...Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
...Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
...Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser
clock.
...You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
...You're cry every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
...You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
...Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
...The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record
collection.
...You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
...You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
...You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
...Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
...Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
...Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
...Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
...During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
...You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
...On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
...Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
...You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
...In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
...Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
...You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
...You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
...You bring your dog to work with you.
...Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
...You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
...You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
...Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
...Your masseuse uses lard.
...Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
...You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
...On stag night, you take a real deer.
...You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
...Your back porch is bigger than your house.
...There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
...You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
...A full grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
...An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
...You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
...You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
...Your secret family recipe is illegal.
...Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
...Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
...Your coat of arms features kudzu.
...Your sophisticated show biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
...You think people that send out graduation announcements are show offs.
...Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
...Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
...You think cur is a breed of dog.
...People hear your car long before they see it.
...Your four year old is a member of the NRA.
...Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
...Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
...Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
...Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
...You've ever hitchhiked naked,
...You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
...You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
...Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
...The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
...Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
...Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
...There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
...You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
...The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
...You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
...You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
...Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
...You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
...The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
...You list your parole officer as a reference.
...There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
...Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
...There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
...You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
...You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
...Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
...Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
...You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
...You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
...You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front
yard.
...You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
...your Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
...you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
...you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
...your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
...you list your parole officer as a reference.
...your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
...none of your shirts cover your stomach.
Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."
— Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves."
— David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
— David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
— Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
— Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
— Jay Leno
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
— Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
— Jay Leno
So here's mine:
Joke: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Punchline: None, all the men are waiting in line to do it for her.
Love from THIS blonde to all of our troops!
More Sand!
Pray for W and Our Troops
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water
and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for
their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the
woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the
seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why
are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would
have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would
have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me
all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to
take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable
reason, and in the best interest of others.
:-D
Someone is actually asking for your yokes.
(sorry, couldn't resist).
What State Mottos SHOULD Be:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: It's A Dry Hate
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" back into Fundamentalism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Howlie Go Home! - But Leave Your Money Here)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's
Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's For Some Income Brackets
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About You're Home State
Missouri: You're Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away
New Jersey: You Want a !#$%##! Motto? I Got Yer !#$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Alot Like Old Mexico without the Tourists
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... we've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Never Actually Surrendered
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin:Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
All of their windows fell out.
A man walks into a bar one evening. He sits down at the bar and asks for a double shot of whiskey. He sits there for a while and drinks it and then asks for another. After four shots of whiskey he looks into his pocket, shakes his head and asks the bartender to give him another. This goes on for about four hours. Finally the bartender asks him what's going on. He asks, "Every evening you come in here and drink whiskey and look in your pocket. What's going on?" The man replies, "I drink a little and then I look in my pocket at a picture of my wife. When she looks good, I go home."
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Murphy's Laws of Combat - put to Latin.
More Murphy's Laws
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The side with the simplest uniform wins...
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!
The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!
The enemy inevitably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.
Oh that's a great one...Had me going.
Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?
A: To collaborate with the other side.
So this guy is arraigned on a double homicide charge.
The presiding judge reads the counts to the defendant: Sir, on the first count, you are charged with murdering your wife by beating her to death with a hammer whereupon he is interrupted by a emotional cry of “BASTARD” from someone in the court.
The judge looked up but was unable to identify the individual responsible.
He returned to reading the indictment: “On the second count, you are charged with murdering your mother-in-law by beating her to death with a hammer”
“BASTARD” yelled a spectator. This time however the judge caught view of the offender just as he finished his exclamation.
The judge was furious and told the man to stand up.
“Sir”, he intoned harshly, “I will not tolerate such outbursts in my courtroom. I am going to hold you in contempt. What do you have to say for yourself ?”, he demanded.
The man, looking truly repentant responded: “Your honor, I’m sorry but you have to understand that I have been this man’s neighbor for the past 2 years and on no less than three occasions in the past 6 months, I went to his home and asked him to borrow a hammer and he said he didn’t own one.”
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.
When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."
"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."
Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries
Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.
The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.
Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.
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