Free Republic Smokers' Lounge 2nd Annual Yearly Threads Edition

Puff List ^ | 6/20/03 | francisandbeans

[Just another Joe]

Join the FR smokers lounge bump list...click on the logo

Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...

Smoker's Lounge

Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...

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aaaaa,:`___________________________||`,:'.",`.;'`,:'.',`: <--------Life is good!
A very special thank you to Registered for providing us with this fine logo....we will bear it with pride.

[netmilsmom]

After that tall cool one, and new friends here in the lounge, he has decided to get in on the other computer. He should be here with a few funnies.

[Just another Joe]

Here's one to start him off and to warn him to not have too many tall cool ones.



A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am,
at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone,
so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back
pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so
drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed
blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something
terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did
you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of
band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[netmilsmom]

Right!

You my friend are a lush on your job, or something like that!

[Just another Joe]

And a set of threads to start off the 2nd hundred replys.

Paying the price for smoking bans
U.S. Food and Drug Administration Approves Effective New Tool to Help Smokers Quit
MAINE SMOKERS CONTRIBUTIONS TO STATE ECONOMY-FY2002
US states rake in cigarette revenues, hunt evaders
Glaxo Says U.S. OKs Quit-Smoking Lozenge
Budget cuts hit broad spectrum of state's poor ahhhhhh
First Massachusetts firefighter fired for smoking Huge Hurl Alert
Teen smoking plagues Nunavik
State sues over online cigarettes
Staten Island: Where there's smoke, there's political fire
New York:County putting tobacco money into infrastructure
Taking a Smoking Lead From Parents This was one of the hot threads of the week
Petition Could Halt Las Cruces Smoking Ban
Montana:Commissioners consider exempting bars and casinos from smoke ban
Tobacco tax narrowly defeated And the advent of a new anti 'JesusSaves' Watch out for him folks he will get nasty
The Cancer of the Anti-smoking Puritans
CHUCK TARGETS 'CYBER' CIGS
R.J. Reynolds to Slash N.C. Jobs
Stars To Lead Anti-Smoking Campaign
Tobacco industry seeks government aid package (Canadian story)
Native American to Fly on Shuttle
SMOKING BAN ROBS THE POOR
Maine: More liquor licenses issued in wake of new law
Healthy Maine message-Another Doctor needs to be educated.
Colebrook restaurant challenges smoking ban
Philip Morris tumbles 14%
Southern States Are Least Healthy
Passive Smoking Doesn't Cause Cancer - Official
Peggy Noonen: "Them" [one group for whom liberals have no tolerance at all]
How Smoking Saves Money
Michigan smokers rolling their own cigarettes on the rise

[netmilsdad]

OK,
my 1st post (limericks?)
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the
two words, Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a limerick. Here
are the three winners:

Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

Twas "Hail to the Chief"

On this flute made of beef

That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you made such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.


And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczynski must surely have known:

That an intern is better

Than a bomb in a letter

When deciding how best to be blown.

---

[netmilsmom]

Give him a big hand folks!!
This is his first newbie post.

Now ask Joe for another!

[netmilsdad]

on a roll-
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says
"Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Ertha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics".
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because
it said, "Concentrate".
She told me to meet her at the corner of
"WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. Ha!
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. mmm...
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood
for "This Goes In Front.

[Just another Joe]

(Sound of large crowd cheering in the distanced)
That was pretty good. I especially like the first place winner.

Have another. I'll know when to cut you off. (That'll be when your better half says to) ;^)

[Just another Joe]

Why don't blonds eat pickles?










Too hard to get your head in the jar.

[netmilsdad]

serve-
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me . . .
they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what Chinese mothers
used, tooth picks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[netmilsmom]

Is it me or do you hear crickets in here?
Did we lear the place out?

[Just another Joe]

Time for some more threads.

Peggy Noonen: "Them" [one group for whom liberals have no tolerance at all] This one was on the list last week and carried over into this week also. VERY hotly debated.
DOWN AND OUT? MANY MORE OF US WILL SOON BE, TOO!
ACTIVISTS FIRE AT BOND'S SMOKE
Delaware ready to show smokers to the door
Delaware: Public, not police, will be on smoking-ban patrol
TOBACCO: Control Treaty Will Succeed, WHO Says
Smoke claim disputed
MINNESOTA: Few cities have adopted ordinances since Moose Lake banned smoking
James Bond meet his foe - anti-smokers
ANTISMOKERS GET PHYSICAL
Smokers Don't Mess Around In Las Cruces
Austin mayor looks to ban public smoking
City (ustin)inspired to revisit public smoking rules
Cigarette sales drop in months since July state tax increase
Next week's tax hike for tobacco products in Arizona has retailers and customers fuming.
New Bill Proposes Higher Prices in KY for Cigarettes
Smoking ban in Montgomery, AL
Tonight's "South Park" (11/20) exposes "tolerance" nazis. (very funny and spot-on episode!)
New Law Aims to Curb Youth Smoking (Berkeley) $283 yearly license for stores to sell tobacco
Iran combats cigarette smuggling by allowing foreign firms to enter market
New York State: Lawmakers Delay Vote on Smoke Ban
Smoke Another Day
Kentuckian Blows Smoke in Face of Bloomberg Tax
West Virginia's Tobacco Settlement & Smoking Control Programs
See past smoke screen (DE - Glantz Barf alert)
Up in smoke: Cigarettes are no cash cow for N.Y.
Cigarette company offers staff $8,000 each to give up ration (4 cartons a month)
Wisconsin Programs Recognized, Politicians Criticized at National Conference
Upcoming No Smoking Policy for LOWE'S Employees
Second-Hand Socialism
NICOTINE TAX COMES UP SHORT
The risks of smoking are greatly exaggerated

[Just another Joe]

Return -

After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the
job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where
his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be
compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming
voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE
HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO
THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate
replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE
HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO
THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your eye." In a booming voice the pirate
replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: I WAS LAYING ON THE DECK ONE
BALMY DAY CATCHING SOME RAYS WHEN THIS *%#@* SEAGULL FLEW BY
AND DROPPED HIS DUTY RIGHT IN ME EYE!"

"Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"

"IT WERE THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!"

[Just another Joe]

In deference to your limericks I give you

DOG HAIKU



I love my master Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be

Today I sniffed Many dog behinds-I celebrate By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm! Paper boy-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm! Garbage man-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot- Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee? The ways are numberless as My hairs on the rug.

My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle

I Hate my choke chain- Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin On your foot -no greater bliss-well, Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much I do

The cat is not all Bad-she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence-why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating.

My owners' mood is Romantic-I lie near their Feet. I fart a big one.

[LibertarianInExile]

ROFL. Hey, if I post another 'environmental' message, do you PROMISE to send the bouncer? Pleeeeeeeeeze?

[Just another Joe]

If you think you can handle her. ;^)

[Just another Joe]

OK, another set of threads.

Higher cigarette tax sought (Virginia)
No smoking ordinance for San Marcos
Smoking Does Not Cause Lung Cancer (According to WHO/CDC Data)
Delaware Smoke Ban in Effect
Rated "R" for Smoking (James Bond vs Stan Glantz)
Pricier cigarettes a windfall for crooks
Tobacco Money Could Harm Credit Rating of Some States
Norway set to ban public smoking
Nazis were Anti-Smoking Nazis
Palestinians Give Up Their Marlboros but Not Coke
Jobs to go as RJ Reynolds tightens belt
Fired Up Over Ruling
Some GIs Fume Over Smoking Ban
Taxation 101: Walter Williams illuminates true costs of confiscatory government [Re-post]
Students Fail Nicotine Part of City Drug Tests
Maine: Colleges tighten reins on smoking
Is It Easier to Give Up Sex Than Cigarettes??
French fries kill?
Council OKs Ban on Public Smoking (Pueblo, CO)
Boston Passes Ban On Smoking
Tough new smoking ban clearing hurdles in New York
Anti-Smoking NY Mayor Proposes Wider Smoking Ban
New York Smoking Ban May Burn Philip Morris
Freep this CNBC Poll: "Should smoking in public be banned?" We missed this one, folks
CA: Booze tax proposed for trauma care
Mass: Feds defend state's anti-smoking effort as Swift plans cut
Are Tobacco Nazis Destroying Auto Racing? (My Title) EU article about Formula 1 racing
At many colleges, smokers being left out in the cold - colleges ban lighting up in dormitory rooms
Judge snuffs tobacco appeal [Public health must come first, court rules]
Mass: Private clubs ask for exemption from Danvers smoking ban
New York City: CITY WARNS DOCS If Patients Smoke ~Oh Brother!
Mayor Bloomberg Exaggerates Secondhand Smoke Risk

[netmilsdad]

volley-
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

---

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says,

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

---

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry,

we don't serve food in here."

---

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

---

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

---

Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, get
married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was
brilliant.

---

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

---

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'Green, Green Grass of
Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

---

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated

this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

---

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

---

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've
lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

---

Deja Moo

The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

---

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My

dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down."

"What!?! Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

---

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

---

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

---

I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and
pulled a mussel.

---

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when
they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.

---

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be
the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um...well... I have five penises," replies
the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers
fit?"

"Like a glove."

---

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

---

Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar
tender here?"

---

A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.

[netmilsmom]

I'm leaving now. I have to get up with Net & Mil in the morning while dad snoozes......Hugs to all!





Cut him off after another two, ok Joe?

[Just another Joe]

Volley return -



Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a
few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the
chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.