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After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the
job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where
his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be
compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming
voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE
HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO
THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate
replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE
HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO
THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your eye." In a booming voice the pirate
replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: I WAS LAYING ON THE DECK ONE
BALMY DAY CATCHING SOME RAYS WHEN THIS *%#@* SEAGULL FLEW BY
AND DROPPED HIS DUTY RIGHT IN ME EYE!"

"Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"

"IT WERE THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!"

volley-
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says,

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry,

we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, get
married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was
brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'Green, Green Grass of
Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated

this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've
lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo

The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My

dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down."

"What!?! Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and
pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when
they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be
the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um...well... I have five penises," replies
the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers
fit?"

"Like a glove."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar
tender here?"

A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.