Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER



NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless

accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,

and current medical report from your doctor.



NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________



HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________



SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________



BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________



HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______



Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No

Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No

If No, explain:

       ______________________________________________________________



Number of years they have been married ______________________________



If less than your age, explain

       ______________________________________________________________



       ______________________________________________________________





ACCESSORIES SECTION:



A. Do you own or have access to a van?              __Yes  __No



B. A truck with oversized tires?                    __Yes  __No



C. A waterbed?                                      __Yes  __No



D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?            __Yes  __No



E. A tattoo?                                        __Yes  __No



F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,               __Yes  __No

   pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? 



(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)





ESSAY SECTION: 



In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?



       ______________________________________________________________



       ______________________________________________________________



In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?



       ______________________________________________________________



       ______________________________________________________________



In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?



       ______________________________________________________________



       ______________________________________________________________





REFERENCES SECTION:



Church you attend ___________________________________________________



How often you attend ________________________________________________



When would be the best time to interview your:



       father? _____________



       mother? _____________



       pastor? _____________





SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 



Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers

are confidential.



A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:



       ______________________________________________________________



B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:



       ______________________________________________________________



C: A woman's place is in the:



       ______________________________________________________________



D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:



       ______________________________________________________________



E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________



       ______________________________________________________________



       ______________________________________________________________



F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:



       ______________________________________________________________



F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________



I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE

WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.





_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)





_______________________________      ________________________________

Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature



_______________________________      ________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman



Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and

non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.



You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do

not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would

cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be

notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.

(you might watch your back)

When my daughter was a HS freshman, she got asked to prom by a Band Beast whom she, also a band beast, was not too sure of. But she wanted to go to prom, so she asked me to be in the living room, CLEANING MY SHOTGUN, when he arrived for the pre-prom date.

I was. I didn’t know beady little eyes could get so large. :)

But we lied and told him it was a joke, it wasn’t.

However, it also worked. He was a perfect gentleman on that date and on prom night. Normally he was “Handy Andy”, as reported later by other girls. But NOT WITH MY DAUGHTER. :)

Now I have a “Serious Social Purposes” Shotgun that I will be cleaning, God Wiling, when some boys comes to pick up my granddaughters, in 9 to 11 years. If not, my son in law can be cleaning it instead.

Maybe we both should be cleaning guns, when the guys come to pick up the twins? :) I could be cleaning my AR or the scoped G3? What do y’all think?

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