Posted on 08/12/2009 12:49:25 PM PDT by Jewbacca
U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
thanks for that day brightener!
Price of reading is adding a joke.
Ante up.
I bet Ted Kennedy was driving the truck...
I bet Nancy was telling him how to drive.
I’d rather go hunting with Cheney, than driving with Kennedy!
A Rabbi is a passenger on a bus involved in a rollover accident. After the wreck, he appears to be uninjured but is repeatedly crossing himself. A police officer on scene approaches him and says, “Rabbi, are you all right?” The rabbi answers, “Yes, my son,” but continues crossing himself.
The policeman says, “But you’re a Rabbi. Why are you crossing yourself?”
The Rabbi says, “Son I’m just making sure everything is still here. Spectacles, Testicles, comb and pen.”
Insurgents kidnapped Couric, Carville and their Marine bodyguard. Each was bound with ropes, and asked one last request.
Couric asked for a bottle of Bacardi with ice. They complied. Couric finished the bottle, and sighed content.
Carville asked for one last call to his wife. A sat-phone call later, he sighed satisfied.
The Marine asked, “Kick me in the ass!” The insurgent did. The Marine popped up, miraculously severed his bonds with his bayonet, and killed every insurgent present with a hidden Glock. Then he cut Couric and Carville loose.
Carville asked, “Why didn’t you just do that before?”
The Marine laughed, saying “What, and have you two report I was the aggressor!?”
The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?" The boy took the quarters and left.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Upon leaving, the customer saw the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Don't you know that a dollar is worth more than two quarters?
"Sure I do, mister!" replied the lad.
"Well, then why on earth did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because, The day I take the dollar from him, the game's over!"
Jewish jokes? You know you a fighting a pro, right?
Two Jews are down on their luck. They are walking back to their hotel when they happen to pass a Roman Catholic church. They see a big sign outside saying “CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND GET $20”.
Avram looks up and down the street, then turns to Shlomo and says, “Let’s do it — no-one will know when we get back home and we’ll each make $20.”
“Okay,” says Shlomo. “You go first.”
So Avram strides purposefully into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Shlomo eagerly, “did you get the $20?”
Avram looks up and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand."My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies,
"Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
Two blondes are looking at each other from across a river.
One yells across “how do I get to the other side?”
“You are on the other side!” the other one yells back.
That’s very clever on many levels.
Bill Clinton went to see his doctor and the doctor told him, “Bill, you have to stop masturbating.” The startled Bill Clinton asked him, “Why?” and the doctor replied, “Because I have to examine you.”
Nancy Pelosi walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender says “What are you doing with that pig?” Nancy Pelosi say, “This is a duck!” The bartender says, “I know, I was talking to the duck.”
(Modified oldie)
You'd have thought one of them would have noticed it.
LOL
Winner
“I’d rather go hunting with Cheney, than driving with Kennedy!”
Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my guns!
LOL.
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