Price of reading is adding a joke.
Ante up.
A Rabbi is a passenger on a bus involved in a rollover accident. After the wreck, he appears to be uninjured but is repeatedly crossing himself. A police officer on scene approaches him and says, “Rabbi, are you all right?” The rabbi answers, “Yes, my son,” but continues crossing himself.
The policeman says, “But you’re a Rabbi. Why are you crossing yourself?”
The Rabbi says, “Son I’m just making sure everything is still here. Spectacles, Testicles, comb and pen.”
The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?" The boy took the quarters and left.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Upon leaving, the customer saw the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Don't you know that a dollar is worth more than two quarters?
"Sure I do, mister!" replied the lad.
"Well, then why on earth did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because, The day I take the dollar from him, the game's over!"
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand."My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies,
"Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
Nancy Pelosi walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender says “What are you doing with that pig?” Nancy Pelosi say, “This is a duck!” The bartender says, “I know, I was talking to the duck.”
(Modified oldie)
Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....
CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts, while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.
Special “Bonus Money” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried foods, tater chips, lattes ,whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, Carvel or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in decent repair.
Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama walk into a bar. Jimmy Carter asks the bartender for a glass of beer. The bartender says, “I’m not going to serve you, that was my daughter’s pet rabbit you killed with the oar, I lost my job when unemployment went over 10% and I had to become a bartender, I wasn’t able to sell my house because the interest rate was over 18%, finally I couldn’t have sex with my wife because she was so upset because our son was one of the hostages.”
Carter replied, “All I can say in my defense, at least Ronald Reagan was able to get elected handily.” Bartender hands Carter a beer.
Bill Clinton asks the bartender for a Margarita. The bartender says, “I’m not going to serve you. I had to look at and listen to your wife for 8 years, watch as you put this great nation through Hell with your impeachment when you should have resigned and I lost what left of my life savings when the tech bubble burst.”
Clinton replied, “That may be true but George W. Bush was able to restore some class and dignity to the office.” The bartender hands Clinton a Margarita.
Obama asks the bartender for a Shirley Temple. The bartender hands him Obama a Shirley Temple.
Carter and Clinton both pipe up, “Hey, he wasn’t even born in America! He’s taking this country down to financial ruin! He’s a Marxist, fer crying our loud.”
The bartender says, “Yup, I know. But I also bet every regular in this joint 1000 bucks the next President of the U.S.A. is going to be a dog and in the past 6 months alone he’s damn near guaranteed!”