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WYOMING—It was a blistering 7 below zero this morning at Yellowstone National Park, but that didn’t seem to faze Buffalo Guy Jake Angeli, who was grazing on the vegetation. FBI agents were made aware earlier this week that Yellowstone is Angeli’s natural habitat, so they arrived on the scene this morning with a warrant for his arrest and their weapons drawn. “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” shouted FBI agent Patrick Henderson as Angeli’s head emerged from the tall grass. “HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!” “You talking to me?” asked the Buffalo Guy with his mouth full. “Because these are clearly hooves, not...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresspeople from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they're the only criminals allowed in the building. Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations. "We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here," said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. "Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you're an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds."

For the MATHEMATICALLY CHALLENGED... 1.) According to the 2018 US census there are an estimated 153 million registered voters. 2.) Total votes cast during the 2020 Presidential Election was 155 million (Trump 75m) (Biden 80m). ** This alone is a RED FLAG for voter fraud ** 3.) For the past few presidential elections the voter turnout hovers around 85%. 4.). Even if we use a 90% voter turnout, there would need to be at least 172 million registered voters. ...and no one is questioning this fact?!!!

U.S.—Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States. But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party. Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter's terms of service. Once he has enough followers,...

U.S.—Media outlets from coast to coast praised President Trump today after he accepted the results of the 2020 election in a relatively timely fashion. Even CNN pointed out that it took Trump way less time to accept the results than it has two-time failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “You’ve got to give Trump credit here,” said Chris Cuomo during a segment of his popular show on CNN last night. “Sure, he might be literally the worst president we’ve ever seen, but at least he’s willing to accept a democratic election...UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.” CNN then cut to an interview from last...

You know, it’s not that the crooks are always dumb crooks. Sometimes it just turns out that their victims are smarter or tougher than they are. Regardless, I didn’t realize that I was a collector of “crook failures” until our editor encouraged me to drag some stories up from the past. Here are three more tales that I got a kick out of—I hope that you enjoy them, too. The Bear Clerk The night clerk at this particular convenience store was a woman. Now, I’m not trying to body-shame her, so let’s just say that she was a rather...

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CUPERTINO, CA—Apple has removed all apps from the App Store and the iOS platform since any one of them could be used to incite violence. The new iPhone will just have a blank screen, to ensure you can't incite violence with it. "Phone calls and text messages? You can plot violence. Books? You can be radicalized and then plot violence. Maps? You can navigate to violence," said Tim Cook. "We must make sure no one can ever use these tools for evil." Here's the reason for banning some of the apps, according to Cook: Clock: Can schedule violence Notes: Can...

Nobody wants to buy notorious sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s real estate. The convicted criminal’s grand, 28,000-square-foot townhouse in Manhattan’s tony Upper East Side has undergone a $23 million price cut, sources told the Wall Street Journal. The seven-story, French Neoclassic mansion was originally listed for $88 million in July. The price has since been reduced by about 26%, to a still hefty $65 million. Epstein was found dead in prison in 2019. The money earned from the sale is to go to the disgraced financier’s alleged victims, who filed claims against his estate. COVID-19 dealt New York City’s luxury market...

We all need some humour as this internet wide banning of conservatives happens and we find new ways around the bans.

Comrades,New addition to Newspeak 2.6:

Shares of the Palo Alto, Calif.-based company fell more than 10% at the opening bell, erasing more than $2.5 billion from Twitter’s $41 billion market capitalization. Facebook Inc. and Alphabet Inc. were also lower after Trump’s accounts were removed from their platforms.

U.S.—Facing unprecedented efforts from Big Tech to silence their infallible reporting, The Babylon Bee has announced an innovative new format known as "print." Fans of the newspaper can now receive their news written on an anonymous, untraceable format known as a "newspaper." The new technology will be printed with ink on paper and hand-delivered by kids riding bikes--directly to your mailbox. "We've been working hard on this technology for a long time," said Owner Seth Dillon. "After years of research, we have finally developed a technology and distribution method that Big Tech can't touch." Sources say this new paper can...

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"More evidence that this is not the right man for the job. This is somebody that needs to be taken by their elbow somewhere safe and quiet where they can watch Matlock until they fall asleep."

Playlists for Progressives Eagles - Mostly Peaceful Easy Feeling Red Rockers - China 10cc - Reds in My Bed Vicki Lawrence - The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia Television - See No Evil Talking Heads - Burning Down the House The GoGos - Your Lips Are Sealed Elvis Costello - Radio Radio The Beatles - You Can’t Do That Did I miss any?

U.S.—Antifa leaders are condemning the storming of the Capitol in D.C. as an egregious act of cultural appropriation. Antifa representatives report being "hurt deeply" by this insensitive display. "My culture is not your protest!" said Portland Antifa organizer Vantrixie Dirpot in a New York Times column. "Antifa has a proud cultural heritage of surrounding government buildings, businesses, and homes while the occupants hide in terror. We're pros at this. We burned down D.C. last year because, you know, fascism. These posers have stolen our cultural heritage for their own purposes!" "It makes me sick," said one elementary school teacher as...

Remember when we saw footage of people in Wuhan China falling to the ground as if they had been shot? Well, they HAD been shot but not by guns. They were targeted by 5G beams which can fry the inside of a person in mere seconds. Guess where the largest rollout of 5G was in China back in December 2019? You guessed it: WUHAN, CHINA!! YES – 5G was built and is being rolled out as a Weapon against humanity! “Then He said to them, “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be great earthquakes...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent statement, President-elect Joe Biden has promised to move quickly the moment his term as President begins. He announced that immediately after his inauguration, the first order of business will be to impeach and remove Donald Trump from office. “Listen, folks, here’s the deal: If I’m going to be your President, then first thing’s first. We’re going to have to impeach this orange one-horse donkey kicker,” President-elect Biden explained. He continued, “Now I know you’re all excited about erasing the Electoral College and packing the Supreme Court, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Trump has...

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the...