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Ready, set . . . TIPIYOTKI! DAVE BARRY ATHENS -- And so the world has come to Greece. At least I assume this is Greece. They're using some kind of Secret Code writing based on fraternity symbols, so all the signs say something that looks like ''TIPIYOTKI.'' Sometimes there are also words written in English, but this is not always helpful (``WARNING: TIPIYOTKI''). But assuming this is, in fact, Greece, the world has come here for the Olympic Games, which were first held here around 776 B.C., which is also when they built the current plumbing system. I say this...

I will survive . . . or at least I'll be delayed Aug. 08, 2004 When I got into journalism, I expected to do many things. None of them involved standing on a colleague's groin. But recently I learned that I might be called upon to do exactly that. I learned this in Fright School, which is known formally as Hostile Environment Training. This is a course, taught by corporate security consultants, that teaches you what to do if you find yourself in a situation involving dangerous elements such as terrorists, kidnappers, robbers, rioters, or fans of the Oakland Raiders....

Bring Back the Hate -- and Some Cockroaches By DAVE BARRY BOSTON -- John Kerry accepted the Democratic nomination Thursday night in a triumphant convention climax marred only slightly by the fact that, because of a mix-up at the security checkpoint, he had to deliver his entire acceptance speech with a police dog clamped to his thigh. Nevertheless, Kerry gave a solid speech expressing the clear, confident message: ''I, Too, Am an Undecided Voter.'' This message was calculated to appeal to undecided voters, who, according to the polls, still aren't sure who, exactly, John Kerry is; or where he stands...

No One Lights Up a Room Like Ted By DAVE BARRY BOSTON -- In a moment I will provide you with complete details on exactly what has been happening here at the Democratic National Convention (nothing). But first here is an Urgent Code Red Terrorism Update: They took away my flashlight. I am serious. As you may recall, along with my colleagues, I was issued an Anti-Terrorism Kit consisting of an evacuation hood, a whistle and a flashlight. I was carrying this kit when I went through the security checkpoint at the FleetCenter. (For security reasons, the space between ''Fleet''...

Just keep the cleavage out of hands of terrorists By DAVE BARRY BOSTON -- I've been issued an Antiterrorist Kit. Really. It consists of an ''evacuation hood'' that you put over your head in case of gas attack; a flashlight that you shine in the terrorists' eyes to temporarily blind them; and a whistle you use to scare them (or yourself, if you blow it inside your evacuation hood). I'm joking, but in fact this is a very serious matter, and as I carry my Antiterrorist Kit around this tense, vulnerable city, the thought has occurred to me more than...

Delegates Nominate Bill (or Gephardt) By DAVE BARRY BOSTON -- The highlight of Day One of the Democratic convention was the appearance of former President Bill Clinton, who gave a passionate speech on the theme ''My Book Is for Sale,'' after which the delegates unanimously nominated him for another term. No, they didn't, but they would if they could. The Democrats haven't totally gotten over pining for Bill. Remember when you were in high school, and you really wanted to go to the prom with a gorgeous girl, but you couldn't ask her because she was really popular and already...

Check Your Stupid Hats and Tapeworms at Door BY DAVE BARRY BOSTON - A colorful cast of thousands -- politicians, delegates, reporters, security personnel, barbed-wire vendors, protesters, anarchists, jabbering wacko space loons, bomb-sniffing dogs and Dennis Kucinich -- has converged on this historic city as the Democrats gather for a convention that has been carefully scripted to galvanize America's voters with the convention's Official Theme: ``Four Solid Days of Talking.'' In the end, after speeches by every Democrat, living or dead, who has ever held the office of Game Warden or higher, the Democrats will formally nominate their official 2004...

Calling Suzy Oatmeal and Franny Farina Aug. 1, 2004 I have received a disturbing letter from Mr. Frank J. Phillips, who describes himself as both a patriot and a Latin teacher. I didn't realize we still had Latin teachers, but I'm glad we do, because contrary to what you think (and as a member of the news media, I know exactly what you think) Latin is not just an old dead language spoken by old dead guys who are no longer relevant because they are old and dead. In fact, Latin is the ''mother tongue'' (or ''alma mater'') of our...

BOSTON -- John Kerry accepted the Democratic nomination Thursday night in a triumphant convention climax marred only slightly by the fact that, because of a mix-up at the security checkpoint, he had to deliver his entire acceptance speech with a police dog clamped to his thigh. Nevertheless, Kerry gave a solid speech expressing the clear, confident message: ''I, Too, Am an Undecided Voter.'' This message was calculated to appeal to undecided voters, who, according to the polls, still aren't sure who, exactly, John Kerry is; or where he stands on the issues; or whether he is, in fact, a carbon-based...

BOSTON -- In a moment I will provide you with complete details on exactly what has been happening here at the Democratic National Convention (nothing). But first here is an Urgent Code Red Terrorism Update: They took away my flashlight. I am serious. As you may recall, along with my colleagues, I was issued an Anti-Terrorism Kit consisting of an evacuation hood, a whistle and a flashlight. I was carrying this kit when I went through the security checkpoint at the FleetCenter. (For security reasons, the space between ''Fleet'' and ''Center'' has been removed.) Three security people examined my kit;...

BOSTON -- I've been issued an Antiterrorist Kit. Really. It consists of an ''evacuation hood'' that you put over your head in case of gas attack; a flashlight that you shine in the terrorists' eyes to temporarily blind them; and a whistle you use to scare them (or yourself, if you blow it inside your evacuation hood). I'm joking, but in fact this is a very serious matter, and as I carry my Antiterrorist Kit around this tense, vulnerable city, the thought has occurred to me more than once: Maybe I can use this stuff to get into a party...

Getting Back in Tune with Swinging '60s BY DAVE BARRY July 25, 2004 When word got around the music community that the original Federal Duck was getting back together after 35 years, the reaction from serious rock fans was unanimous: Why? I should explain that the Federal Duck was the band I belonged to when I was a student at Haverford College back in the '60s. We were originally called The Stomp Jackson Quintet, and then The Guides (don't ask) but we came up with our new and final name one night when we were lying on the bank of...

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER." But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates. I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish,...

She'll Shop till I Drop BY DAVE BARRY July 18, 2004 I can't shop with my wife. The problem is that she almost never has a clear objective. I ALWAYS have a clear objective. Without a clear objective, you're just wandering randomly around a store, which is NOT the point of shopping. This is not just my opinion: This is the opinion of literally thousands of Nobel-Prize-winning scientists whose names are available upon request. These scientists have traced the origins of shopping back to prehistoric times, when ''shopping'' was called ''hunting,'' and primitive man would make out his ''shopping list''...

Take a Walk on the Wild Side BY DAVE BARRY Pets are good, because they teach children important lessons about life, the main one being that, sooner or later, life kicks the bucket. With me, it was sooner. When I was a boy, my dad, who worked in New York City, would periodically bring home a turtle in a little plastic tank that had a little plastic island with a little plastic palm tree, as is so often found in natural turtle habitats. I was excited about having a pet, and I'd give the turtle a fun pet name like...

Travel rules for the avocado age Dave Barry Jul. 04, 2004 We're entering the busy summer air-travel season, which means airports will be swarming with millions of vacation travelers, all of them ahead of you in the security line, many of them with the intelligence of an avocado. No, that's unfair to avocados. I say this because of the passenger behavior I often observe at my local airport, the Miami International Permanent Construction Zone and Narcotics Bazaar. Every security checkpoint there is festooned with signs informing you, in several languages, that you must produce two things: (1) Your boarding pass;...

Flugtag's got wings -- and plenty of nuts BY DAVE BARRY These days we take flying for granted. We walk aboard commercial airplanes, and although we don't understand how they work, we're confident that, thanks to the extremely sophisticated technology embodied in these complex machines, some teeny part, possibly in the toilet, will malfunction, and we will be delayed. But sometimes planes actually fly. And when they do, they become soaring monuments to the brave pioneers who made modern aviation possible -- people like Wilbur and Orville Wright Brothers, Amelia ''Air'' Hart, and Earl P. Flinchwater, who developed the computer...

Summer trips: Of Cheetos and Hairballs DAVE BARRY/Miami Herald Jun. 13, 2004 It's time for our annual Dream Summer Vacation Guide, wherein we reveal our list of ''special'' travel destinations that you will not hear about from the other travel writers, because they have standards. We begin with a word of caution: Because of international tension, the U.S. State Department, currently operating from a bunker far below Lincoln, Neb., is advising American travelers to ``avoid trouble areas, including foreign countries, films with subtitles, and the World Showcase pavilions at Epcot.'' So this year our Dream Vacation itinerary will be limited...

Kiss the eel and lay down your cheese DAVE BARRY Jun. 06, 2004 Be advised that a Poker Craze is sweeping the nation. Almost every night there are poker tournaments on television. And if you think that watching people play cards on television would be boring, I have three words for you: Correct-O-Mundo. The problem is that there's not a lot of action in televised poker, where the most strenuous thing the players do is push small plastic chips a distance of about 15 inches. (Granted, this is more action than you see in televised golf.) To make matters worse,...

Whose line is it anyway? BY DAVE BARRY May. 30, 2004 I figured out why movie stars generally are young. It's not just because they look good naked. It's also because their brains still work. I learned this recently when I became an ''actor'' in a movie being made in Miami based on a book I wrote, about guys. I put ''actor'' in quotation marks because real actors can, you know, act. Whereas my job in this movie was to walk into the scene where the real actors were acting, and say a line like: ``Now that's a good example...