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Posted on 08/01/2004 4:50:31 PM PDT by nuconvert
No One Lights Up a Room Like Ted
By DAVE BARRY
BOSTON -- In a moment I will provide you with complete details on exactly what has been happening here at the Democratic National Convention (nothing). But first here is an Urgent Code Red Terrorism Update:
They took away my flashlight.
I am serious. As you may recall, along with my colleagues, I was issued an Anti-Terrorism Kit consisting of an evacuation hood, a whistle and a flashlight. I was carrying this kit when I went through the security checkpoint at the FleetCenter. (For security reasons, the space between ''Fleet'' and ''Center'' has been removed.)
Three security people examined my kit; one of them held up the flashlight and asked me (I swear) if it was an approved Democratic National Committee flashlight. When I said I didn't know, they told me they had to confiscate it. So I said: ''How am I supposed to fight terrorism without a flashlight? Ha ha!'' I used a jocular tone to indicate that I was a trained humor professional making a joke, but the security personnel didn't seem at all amused, so I strode away quickly, before they decided to take my whistle.
Anyway, to avoid losing my whole Anti-Terrorism Kit, I've decided to just leave it back at my hotel. I ask any terrorists planning to attack me to please attack me there. Thank you.
As for the convention itself, it's lumbering right along. The star speaker Wednesday night was vice-presidential nominee John Edwards, who told the inspirational story of how he was born in a small South Carolina town (actual name: ''A Small Town, S.C.'') where his father was a millworker who went to the mill every day and, I don't know, milled things.
In this humble environment Edwards learned his core values, the main one being that it is WAY better to be rich, so he went on to become a wealthy trial lawyer, then a member of the U.S. Senate, where he served for nearly eight uninterrupted weeks before deciding to run for president.
He was introduced by his wife, Mrs. John Edwards, who revealed that she supports his candidacy.
Speaking of wives: Teresa Heinz Kerry gave a nice speech Tuesday in which she didn't once tell anybody to shove anything, although men with tranquilizer-dart guns were standing by offstage just in case. Sen. Ted ''Ted'' Kennedy also gave a rousing speech, pronouncing many of his words correctly.
TRUE ANECDOTE: I listened to Sen. Kennedy's speech while riding in a taxi driven by a recent immigrant to the United States. We had the following exchange, which I am not making up:
DRIVER: This is Kennedy?
ME: Yes.
DRIVER: It's the skinny one? Or the fat one?
ME: The fat one.
DRIVER: I like him.
The driver's confusion is understandable: There are more than 17,000 known Kennedys in Massachusetts alone, according to the Kennedy Tracking Center, which uses special collars equipped with GPS devices. Most of the Kennedys live on a large preserve set aside in the central part of the state, where they can roam and mate freely.
But tonight is not about the Kennedys. Tonight is the night when, after waiting on pins and needles, we finally get to find out who the Democrats will nominate for president.
The New York Post is predicting Walter Mondale.
BREAKING TERRORISM UPDATE: A colleague in the press center has informed me that the FleetCenter security personnel did, in fact, confiscate her whistle.
They told her they did this because -- and this is a direct quote -- ``It's a noisemaker.''
''How am I supposed to fight terrorism without a flashlight? Ha ha!'' I used a jocular tone to indicate that I was a trained humor professional making a joke, but the security personnel didn't seem at all amused, so I strode away quickly, before they decided to take my whistle."
LOL!
Same core value his ticket mate has.
Well, I'm blaming the new changes around here.
I've already written to Mods about Search problems today.
Hopefully, things will get back to normal soon.
I dunno - the search function seems OK to me. But what can I say, I'm the "Dupe Post Nazi™"...;-)
I love the fact that Dave Barry can make humor of a bad situation, but the reality is that this (lack of) thinking is dangerous. There is no safety in security. Confiscating flashlights is not going to protect us from our Muslim enemies. No other single measure or group of measures designed to make life less convenient for Americans is going to stop terrorist attacks. The only safety is in killing the enemy until remaining members of Muslim groups surrender or until all of them are dead.
Bill
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