Posted on 11/08/2005 8:01:14 AM PST by TBP
Before the divorce rate began its inexorable rise in the late 1960s, the common wisdom had been that, where children are concerned, divorce itself is a problem. But as it became widespread -- peaking at almost one in two first marriages in the mid-1980s -- popular thinking morphed into a new, adult-friendly idea: It's not the act of divorcing that's the problem, but simply the way that parents handle it.
(Excerpt) Read more at washingtonpost.com ...
It was a 'war zone' because the parents did not make choices that were best for the children or for themselves - instead, they behave selfishly while pretending to do the right thing.
Stay together for the kids, which means treat each other kindly and gently. Gee, they might even rediscover why they married in the first place.
Bears repeating. Unfortunately, people make selfish choices far too often.
It was a war zone because the parents hated each other, didn't want to live together anymore, but were forcing themselves to stay together. Also because they're staying together "for the kids" that causes a lot of the emotional baggage to go at the kids, in a certain sense (talking emotional sense here, not logical sense) since they're staying together for the kids that makes the fact that they're living with a person they hate the kid's fault; and even if the parents aren't consciously blaming the kids on some level they do and the kids pick up on that.
Bad marriages happen and need to be dealt with as adults, the kids shouldn't enter into the equation. If they want to try to make it work great, if they feel they can't then get it over with. The "for the kids" decision should be to make the most stable home possible, and that might or might not mean divorce.
Right, like after the kids die.
Just a joke. I really agree with you.
Oh Really?
Maybe you can tell that to a distant family memeber of mine that was in a family where the mother was so unhappy
due to the father's ridicule of his wife, and when her son came home from school he found his mother had hanged herself... Hmm Maybe she should of divorced???
Since I have worked in a 12 step recovery house I DO KNOW what people do in extreme bouts of unhappinesss...
Stay together for the kids, which means treat each other kindly and gently. Gee, they might even rediscover why they married in the first place.
HMMM. Maybe they married because the woman was pregannt and did not want a child out of wedlock? maybe the woman married the man for money> maybe the man married the woman for sex and because he only like the way she looked?
How many people MARRY for absolutely wrong reasons???
I agree with you,is our kids BREAKABLE GLASS???? Geez, learn from your parents mistakes, take responsibility for *YOURSELF* and be a worth while human being in a world that has ALWAYS been difficult.
You think you are the only one? My wife worked for years in halfway houses.
People CAN do many things when unhappy... and they CAN do many things even when happy. In the case you are citing, there can be a clear argument of ABUSE going on, which I have already stated was a situation where divorce is warranted... ABUSE and NEGLECT... how many times do I have to repeat this? Certainly suicide would fall into the NEGLECT category as well...
Of course it could also be that this woman had underlying mental disorders that were never treated and would have committed suicide at some other point in her life... and when Jr. came home to find her, would not have had his father around to be there.... But hey, lets just ignore other possibilities.
As one has said...*ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE* everyone needs to take responsibility for there own actions...We all have skeletons in the closets,I have seen the best and worst of my parents (Divorced) I learned many things and did not end up on the wrong road, I take total responsibility for what and how I do things in life and blame my PARENTS for nothing..In fact I have a great relationship with them now..
Obviously we are all responsible at the end of the day for our lives... however, when one is raised in situations that undermine fundamentals such as that of the CORE FAMILY, one cannot argue that this will not impact significantly those involved, and study after study shows it.
The break down of the nuclear family, by divorce or OOW, has huge reprocussions that can't simply be ignored. How does one who has never had a father, relate to God? When God is THE FATHER?.. think about that. How can one relate to this, when not only they do not have a father, but no one they know has a father that is with them, looking out for them, with every breath 24/7? The nuclear family is the crux upon which ALL society is based... when its breakdown is not only tolerated cavalierly, but encouraged socially, societal decay inately follows.
Parents are responsible for being parents, and that means putting your children first. Yes, even great parents can have problem kids, and problem parents can have great kids. However we know, and thousands of years of human history backs it up, the best, unequivacable situation for children is a 2 parent home with their biological parents.
With the exceptions of abuse and neglect, divorce when you have children is selfish.
Kids today are *SPOILED* cadddled, made not to think for themselves, the problem is parents ARE NOT allowed to discipline there own children, Kids do not respect Adult Authority, it is a different world today my friend.
I got my share of well deserved beatings,dis-respect was not tolerated, I got my first job at 15 and from then on bought my own clothes etc, my brothers worked and were made to be MEN, not Grown Thumb Sucking babies blaming our parents for there mistakes.
We were taught to GROW UP! divore had nothing to do with it.
HJ " Little boy what do you think of abortion?" LB "What's that?" HJ " Where a baby is cut into little pieces and killed." LB "Eeeeeew" HJ "There we can see the inate hatred of abortion in children." LoL riiight.
Making distinctions is not an "argument" nor an excuse for divorce. Divorce is a fact of life like it or not. Recognition of that fact is not support for it.
You seem to live under the delusion that people are supposed to put up with behaviors in a spouse that they would not even put up with in a friend. Perhaps if you were to say that there is a selfish party/motive in every divorce I might agree since I know there are many people who are divorced through no actions of their own and against their wishes.
If your wife said she wanted a divorce would that make YOU selfish?
You are right that many folks don't raise their children... but ask my child about discipline, you will find he knows the world owes him nothing, and he's gotta go out and become an adult and earn what he's gonna get.
I have no patience for the "threatener" parents... that talk the talk, but don't walk the walk, and their kids basically rule the roost. They do nothing to prepare their kids for the real world. If you are consistent with expectations, rules, discipline its amazing how quickly kids get the message.
The divorce statistics are too overwhelming to just chalk it up to spoiled kids.. though certainly way too many are coddled. But that's another topic, for another day.
As a woman I can say that many womwn I have known has wanted a divorce simply because they wanted out, you cannot FORCE someone to love you!
Key is nuture your relationship love and want your spouse do it for yourselves FIRST and your kids will reap the benefits..Staying for the KIDS sake is utterly ridiculous IMHO....
Fortunately my marriage was wonderful and our boys could see that we loved each other. When one stays in a marriage just for the kids and the kids see two miserable people they just assume that is what marriage is all about rather than that it should be based upon love. How healthy will their relationships be?
Another strawman..
Obviously not everyone who winds up divorced desired the divorce.... You wish to take the stand on the motivation for divorce, which obviously is triggered by the person desiring the divorce, is not selfishness... which again is not true.
Certainly folks have been divorced who neither wanted it, or asked for it. These folks were the ones instantiating the divorce now are they?? They cannot be held responsible for the outcome, as they have no legal ability to stop the other partner.
Clearly my comments and discussion are about the motivation and cause of divorce, have been from the beginning and have nothing to do with those who wind up divorced against their wills.
The act of Divorce in all but real abuse or neglect is selfishness, pure and simple.
The problem is, Divorce is a big, irrevocable step that people take. Having a "Happy Divorce" is a product of a thousand little daily acts of kindness and selflessness. Unfortunately, the people who are capable of behaving in such a way are few and far between, and usually wind up never getting divorced in the first place.
If people can't hack being married, they have a snowball's chance in Hell of being able to hack being "Happily Divorced".
Statistically? A whole lot better than those who go through divorce. Sorry, but thems the facts.
Wow! Does that trick really work? If so, I'll never make that who/whom mistake again. Thanks!
I am opposed to The State imposing its will on free people like this.
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