Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

1 posted on 01/10/2003 5:00:48 AM PST by Just another Joe

To: *puff_list; red-dawg; Fiddlstix; RikaStrom; robomatik; ladyinred; error99; Max McGarrity; Gabz; ...

The Lounge is open early today.

2 posted on 01/10/2003 5:02:40 AM PST by Just another Joe

I'm opening early today but won't be around much.
I'm on the road today.

Everybody grab a drink, mingle around, and I'll be back this evening.

3 posted on 01/10/2003 5:04:41 AM PST by Just another Joe

To: Just another Joe

Here, Joe-I'm taking your last cup of coffee, but I will make another pot for anyone who comes in before I have to leave for work...

4 posted on 01/10/2003 5:25:07 AM PST by Texan5

To: Just another Joe

Good morning all. I can't believe I'm in the lounge so early. I guess earlier is better.

5 posted on 01/10/2003 5:48:13 AM PST by Sunshine Sister

To: Just another Joe

Hi Joe! Sorry I'm late. I signed on real early, but had to lay down for a bit.

6 posted on 01/10/2003 6:25:22 AM PST by SheLion

To: Just another Joe

Good Morning Everybody.

You Know The Drill
Click the Pics J

Coffee & Donuts J

7 posted on 01/10/2003 6:40:39 AM PST by Fiddlstix (Help! Help! My Tag Line has been Stolen!)

Watch that last cup, Tex, it's been there overnight.
It's probably stronger than a bull after a heifer.

8 posted on 01/10/2003 6:57:25 AM PST by Just another Joe

To: Sunshine Sister

Hey Sunshine, just think, you can drink virtual beer all day long until actual Bud time hits.

9 posted on 01/10/2003 6:58:21 AM PST by Just another Joe

but had to lay down for a bit.I understand. Those painkillers can really make you sleepy.

10 posted on 01/10/2003 6:59:34 AM PST by Just another Joe

To: Just another Joe

but had to lay down for a bit.I understand. Those painkillers can really make you sleepy.

Boy! Tell me about it. Sometimes my head hits my chest. Then I think "I better take a break! " LOL!

11 posted on 01/10/2003 7:13:57 AM PST by SheLion

Hmmmmmmmm....donuts. So good with Irish coffee!

12 posted on 01/10/2003 7:19:28 AM PST by Bella_Bru (I stole your tagline. It's mine! mine! Muahahahahahahahahha!)

To: Just another Joe

I know it's early, Joe, but set me up a cold, amber one, or even a little darker and I will see if I can find a story to start your day.

13 posted on 01/10/2003 7:25:06 AM PST by doubled (This should be, "Where did I put that shovel?")

To: Just another Joe

Here, Joe, if you are still around, a story that came across the transom:

A couple of weeks ago, I succumbed to an ill-begotten urge to purchase an electric cat box.

That's right, an electric cat box. You heard right.

Here's the concept: the cat box is equipped with a disposable container, a sensor, a timer & a mechanized "rake." When the cat makes a 'deposit," the sensor recognizes
the event, the timer allows a respectful interval to elapse, and the rake then drags itself through the cat litter and deposits the waste in the disposable container. Every
few days, one replaces the disposable container and the kitty litter chores are done.

Now, just to get this out of the way, yes, it was expensive. $80 for this bit of frivolity, but I figured I was darn well worth it.

It did, however, present a bit of a learning curve for the kitties, who had been used to one sort of litter; the new kitty box required clump-able litter. This stuff is rather
like sand, but when in contact with litter, a clump is formed. Initially, however, Ling thought it was some sort of a spa: he leaped into the litter box and rolled around in it
like he was trying to cover every atom of his fur with litter. He then promptly curled up in the box and took a nap.

Not to be daunted by this, however, I decided to help the cats to learn the true purpose of the electric litter pan. Being a nurse - and a resourceful one at that - I
produced a small urine sample in a disposable dixie cup and poured this in the pan to the amazement of the kitty crew. They stared transfixed at the lump as it coalesced
there, and watched in total awe as the mechanical arm drug the rake through the litter and deposited my sample into the disposable bin. Thereafter, the cats were totally
enthralled by this new device and quickly began to use the pan exclusively. We rarely saw them after that. If by chance their attention spans waned before the raking
process started, they would run from any portion of the house after hearing the motor begin and stare in rapt glee as the evidence of their potty habits vanished into the
bin.

And yes, you are correct, there IS more to this tale.

The "rake" is attached to the mechanical arm that powers it back & forth through the litter by means of a snap-in attachment that, after the second "sweep," neither
snapped in nor attached on one side of the box. At first this was a fairly minor irritation, but over time, it became more and more of an issue.

Initially, small bits of cat litter were gently deposited on the other side of the bin, i.e. on the floor outside of the box. Soon the level of enthusiasm generated by the rake
escalated, however. And now we had a new form of entertainment for the feline family members:

The great American shit toss.

Yes indeed, soon the rake began to drag so badly on one side of the box that it would lag well behind the rest of the process until rounding the corner to (allegedly)
deposit the turds in the bin. As a result, it became the kitty litter equivalent of Babe Ruth.

The cats were endlessly fascinated by this new permutation. They determined ONLY to poop on that side of the box, and to poop in petite amounts. I think they were
taking bets on distance before this whole sad event concluded.

And they are in DEEP mourning now that we switched back to the old manual system.

14 posted on 01/10/2003 7:30:21 AM PST by doubled

I'm sorry, gang. It was just a cute little story. I didn't mean to clear out the bar.

15 posted on 01/10/2003 8:50:22 AM PST by doubled (Was it the "s" word?)

To: Just another Joe; maxwell

This is just the top 25. Click here for all of 'em...

Top 50 T-Shirt Sayings:
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

22) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A-- ----!

23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on a four year old)

24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
25) "Procrastinate..... Now"

This is just the top 25. Click here for all of 'em...

16 posted on 01/10/2003 9:41:35 AM PST by MeekOneGOP (Just for grins: http://muffin.eggheads.org/images/funny/dogsmile.jpg)

For your Friday morn enjoyment...

17 posted on 01/10/2003 10:03:56 AM PST by Max McGarrity

To: Just another Joe

WOW sure was early;

I'm scarce today cause of stuff at home and my quarterly duty to the FReepathon.

But I'll have a quick drink right now - before I depart for my Friday date with hubby!!!!

18 posted on 01/10/2003 11:47:50 AM PST by Gabz (who hates antis and smoker bans)

Hmmmmm, half the day gone and only 18 posts. D'ya suppose it could really be that without Joe there is no Lounge? I thought he was just saying that. Where's maxwell and AAAdoc with the jokes? Gotta have some reason for us teetotalers to be here...(unless you have a Bailey's Coffee handy? In which case I could easily become a totaler...)

19 posted on 01/10/2003 12:36:43 PM PST by Max McGarrity

To: Just another Joe

Hi Joe. Make mine a nice irish coffee and a Partagas corona.

Here are a couple of tidbits to entertain all.

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from JT, an Armenian

Subject: Greek Riddles but who says it cannot be ARMENIAN???

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The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Greek women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

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There's a big controversy on the Greek view of when life begins.
In Greek tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

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Q: Why don't Greek mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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Q: Have you seen the newest Greek-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Demetra Does Dishes".

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Q: Why do Greek Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

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When the doctor called Mrs. Megakolos to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

-----------------------------------------

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

----------------------------------------

A Greek boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Greek husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

-------------------------------------

Q - Where does a Greek husband hide money from his wife?
A - Under the vacuum cleaner.

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Q - How many Greek mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Greek mother on the Street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

---------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Greek Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

--------------------------------------

Greek telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

-----------------------------------

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first Greek President.

So the President-elect calls up his mother a few weeks after election day;
"So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.
And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy, I don't know what on Earth I would wear."

"Oh mom," replies the new president, "don't worry about it.
I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat"

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by
the best Greek caterer in New York, and you can tell him how to make the Tiropitakia.
Mom, I want you to come."

So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, the son is being sworn in as
President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the
New President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her;
"You see that man over there with his hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

"His brother is a doctor."

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And if you haven't seen 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding" go rent it!

Very Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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These put Hooter's to shame! Check 'em out!

http://www.nice-tits.org/

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Make a Shorter Link is a website that reduces the size of URL's.
http://makeashorterlink.com/

It seems to work ... and so far, during my tests, those shortened MapQuest links worked.

http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?country=US&addtohistory=&address=2341+Winchester&city=campbell&state=ca&zipcode=&homesubmit=Get+Map

becomes

http://makeashorterlink.com/?K2A512B03

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NO CABBAGE FOR YOU

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner,
had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

------------------------------------------------------------

Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Have a great weekend!

20 posted on 01/10/2003 1:22:16 PM PST by aaaDOC

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