Listen Up, Ladies! Here Are 8 Beauty Tips To Help You Attract A Hunky Conservative Dude

The Bee ^ | Jan 15, 2026 | The Bee

[dayglored]

Every woman wants a hunky, conservative dude to marry. The hard part is knowing how to attract them.

The Babylon Bee is here to help with the following list of beauty tips that will land the based MAGA man of your dreams.

1. Walk into your hair salon and say, "Give me the Trump!": In seven short hours, you'll have the perfect hairstyle for getting a man's attention.

2. Speak fluent Elvish: It sounds beautiful, and he won't know when you're mad at him, which will be great for your relationship.

3. Be sure to match your AR-15 with your purse and shoes: He'll notice if you don't.

4. Don traditional feminine clothing like a grandmother's housecoat: Hubba hubba!

5. Pose as an illegal alien walking around Minneapolis: He'll be overcome with the urge to put his hands on you.

6. Dab a little WD-40 behind your ears: It's an irresistible fragrance.

7. For his birthday, surprise him by retaking Constantinople for Christendom: It's what he's always wanted.

8. Be an actual woman: This can't be overstated.

Follow these tips, and you're guaranteed to attract a hunky conservative dude.

[FreedomPoster]

Re: #6

I’ve said for decades women could use Hoppe’s #9 to attract conservative men.

[FreedomPoster]

Dang, you beat me to it!

[FreedomPoster]

Wedgewood? Noritake?

😜

[DannyTN]

lol!

[JimRed]

My ex used to say that if she wanted my attention she'd use WD-40 as perfume. Funny thing.... IT WORKED!

How about Hoppes? That might be even better!

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Dab a little WD-40 behind your ears: It's an irresistible fragrance.

Pah!

Hoppes No.9.

You will have your pick.

[PLMerite]

I wish I had a photo of me schlepping that telephone pole on my shoulder at the ranch.

[T.B. Yoits]

[SkyDancer]

It was priceless ... :D

[lee martell]

“I believe I CAN fly!”

[MayflowerMadam]

Spode. 😆 The next Sunday was Waterford Crystal.

[shelterguy]

“””Hoppe’s 9 is a good cologne too.””””

Beat me to it.

[Ex-Con777]

If she had all of those, even purple hair could be overlooked. That would be a keeper.

EC

[gnarledmaw]

Is his tendency to do a bad imitation of rap, not that there is good rap, over a funky R&B backing some type of commentary on something that Im just not getting? Ive listened to some of their other ones and while I like some of the lyrics I really didnt like them overall but Ive had a feeling that I just dont understand.

[Mouton]

Dab a little WD-40 behind your ears. Hoppe’s number 9 works better.

[Tell It Right]

My wife is all but one of those. LOL

[rlmorel]

Hahahahaha

[rlmorel]

Hahahaha...and Robin Williams would have her saying in the next frame: “SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!”

[gnarledmaw]

Im wondering if you may know something related to flight training that I dont (which to be honest that would be nearly everything related to actual flying) for my youngest daughter.

She had been taking some classes and flew a couple of times but then life happened and the classes got too expensive.

Right about that time during the Biden administration there was a bill signed that had funds for flight training because there wasnt enough “diversity.”

I found the Bessie Coleman Legacy Scholarship at the Aviation Youth Empowerment Foundation but that doesnt seem like quite the same thing.

Do you have any idea what Im rambling about?

[gnarledmaw]

Sorry, that was supposed to be a private message just because it wasnt really germane to the thread. Unusually fat fingers today.