Listen Up, Ladies! Here Are 8 Beauty Tips To Help You Attract A Hunky Conservative Dude

The Bee ^ | Jan 15, 2026 | The Bee

[dayglored]

Every woman wants a hunky, conservative dude to marry. The hard part is knowing how to attract them.

The Babylon Bee is here to help with the following list of beauty tips that will land the based MAGA man of your dreams.

1. Walk into your hair salon and say, "Give me the Trump!": In seven short hours, you'll have the perfect hairstyle for getting a man's attention.

2. Speak fluent Elvish: It sounds beautiful, and he won't know when you're mad at him, which will be great for your relationship.

3. Be sure to match your AR-15 with your purse and shoes: He'll notice if you don't.

4. Don traditional feminine clothing like a grandmother's housecoat: Hubba hubba!

5. Pose as an illegal alien walking around Minneapolis: He'll be overcome with the urge to put his hands on you.

6. Dab a little WD-40 behind your ears: It's an irresistible fragrance.

7. For his birthday, surprise him by retaking Constantinople for Christendom: It's what he's always wanted.

8. Be an actual woman: This can't be overstated.

Follow these tips, and you're guaranteed to attract a hunky conservative dude.

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TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Health/Medicine; Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; beauty; hunky; satire

[dayglored]

My ex used to say that if she wanted my attention she'd use WD-40 as perfume. Funny thing.... IT WORKED!

[SkyDancer]

And why would we? One guy I met wanted me to quit flying. Wrong.

[Larry Lucido]

Hoppe’s 9 is a good cologne too.

[DugwayDuke]

WD-40 works well but so does Deer Scent or Catfish Bait from Bass Pro Shop.
Now why would you ditch a babe that used WD40 as perfume?

[ansel12]

A push-up bra and a smile help.

[bankwalker]

1. be feminine

2. be feminine

3. be feminine

4. be feminine

5. be feminine

6. be feminine

7. be feminine

8. be feminine

9. be feminine

10. be feminine

[MayflowerMadam]

“One guy I met wanted me to quit flying.”

Ooooo. I would’ve loved to buy tickets to see/hear your reply. LOL!!

[MayflowerMadam]

The first conversation I ever had with Hubby was after church one Sunday. It was about China. He liked that.

[Kudsman]

Lmao. I will admit that I do kind of like WD-40 smell. When I spray a dab on metal zipper of my winter jacket it makes me happy all day!

[Tell It Right]

9. Attend church regularly.
10. Bathe.
11. Know how to cook.
12. Wear deodorant.
13. Be good with kids.
14. Don't tat up or pinhead up.
15. Wear clothing that's not showing it all off.
16. Tell the man you're dating that when you're home alone you like wearing nothing but a g-string.
17. Don't throw yourself all over him.
18. Tell him that when you're married you intend to make up for lost bedroom time.
19. Read and know the Bible.
20. Tell him that your favorite Bible verse is 1st Corinthians 7:4.

[rktman]

Mrs.rktman already has dibs on me so....... 😂👍

[dfwgator]

Yeah, an’ I like my women just a little on the trashy side
When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed
Too much lipstick an’ er too much rouge
Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused
An’ I like my women just a little on the trashy side

[KarlInOhio]

Speak fluent Elvish: It sounds beautiful, and he won't know when you're mad at him, which will be great for your relationship.

And if he's worried about whether it's Quenya or Sindarin, run!

For his birthday, surprise him by retaking Constantinople for Christendom: It's what he's always wanted.

And afterward you can sit down on a couch and rest your feet on an Ottaman.

[central_va]

Wanted for marriage: woman with a motorboat. Send picture of boat and motor.

[T.B. Yoits]

[Zathras]

I met Mrs Zathras at a hair salon.

[DannyTN]

9. Your face is not a pin cushion. Lose the metal so he can kiss you without receiving puncture wounds.

[rightwingcrazy]

This is parody, but that WD-40 tip strikes true. The combined smell of vanilla and silicon oil is hard to resist.

[T.B. Yoits]

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what's best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes
I want a girl with the right allocations
Who's fast and thorough and sharp as a tack
She's playing with her jewelry, she's putting up her hair
She's touring the facility and picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket

I want a girl who gets up early (Gets up early)
I want a girl who stays up late (Stays up late)
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity (Uninterrupted)
Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass
She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
She is touring the facility and picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation (Smooth liquidation)
I want a girl with good dividends (Good dividends)
At Citibank we will meet accidentally (Meet accidentally)
We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen
She wants a car with a cupholder armrest
She wants a car that will get her there
She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen
She's trading her MG for a white Chrysler Le Baron

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket

"Short Skirt/Long Jacket" by CAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85zV1fpSJQ0&list=RD85zV1fpSJQ0&start_radio=1

[OKSooner]

That was a snappy, poetic little tune.

Haven’t heard it in awhile though.