Top 8 Reasons You Absolutely DON'T Need A Gun

The Babylon Bee ^ | November 26, 2021 | The Babylon Bee and Armslist.com

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

Are you thinking about buying a gun? Ew. What's wrong with you? Gross! Just... ew. Guns are very problematic, and so are the people who use them. You don't need one. Here's why.

#1) You can always count on the police to protect you: That's just a fact. Police are proven 100% effective at protecting innocent people!

#2) There's no evidence to suggest the government would ever overstep and try to take away your rights: A government has literally never done this. Don't be so paranoid!

#3) Guns make journalists wet their pants: If you live near a journalist and he hears you own a gun, he may wet his pants. You don't want something like that on your conscience.

#4) Guns are NOT cool and awesome and fun to shoot and useful for protection: Just trust us on this. We're journalists.

#5) Criminals have guns and use them to do bad things: You don't want to be like a criminal, do you?

#6) Nobody's going to break into your house when there's plenty of free stuff to loot at Target: Relax. Seriously.

[KarlInOhio]

#9 Guns, other than the muskets that existed at the time, are unconstitutional! You don't want to be unconstitutional, do you?

Somebody actually said that on the Chris Plante show yesterday

I'll listen to a member of the media about this if he also argued that freedom of the press only applies to hand operated, single sheet presses with hand set type and not to the fully automatic street sweeper presses we have now or the weapons of mass broadcast of radio, TV or the internet.

[Noumenon]

Like this guy?

[spel_grammer_an_punct_polise]

“Normally I would agree, but the homecoming queen has a gun, and I need to protect myself”

These days it is probably a good idea to say, “Homecoming It”! ;-)

[BipolarBob]

Done have some. VERY fun to shoot.

[gundog]

The threat to your wallet is significant.

[ThunderSleeps]

At least in some areas there is probably an element of truth to #6. Why break into someone's home to steal a TV that's a couple of years old? You know you're going to have a hard time finding the remote for it. Also you might be exposed to dander from the family pets and you know how cats make you sneeze...

Seriously stores have all the newest stuff, nicely organized into departments, conveniently packaged for safe transport. No hunting for remotes, or charging cords for phones, or accidentally grabbing that 6 year old laptop they kept around. They're well lit, no pets to get in the way.

[SaxxonWoods]

I don’t need a gun. I have plenty.

[MileHi]

#9 There’s no ammo anyway.

[Paleo Pete]

OK, I don’t NEED a gun...

But I sure do WANT 3 or 4 more...

[Paal Gulli]

I know I don't need a gun. I don't want one, either. But that doesn't change the fact that it's out of my hands because my gun is da debil and has taken possesion of my mind.

So if you want me to give up my gun, don't bother talking to me, take it up with my gun. Because IT has the final say on the matter. I guaran-dam-tee it.

[SERE_DOC]

[TigersEye]

Guns make journalists wet their pants: If you live near a journalist and he hears you own a gun, he may wet his pants. You don't want something like that on your conscience.

This author don't know me very well, do he? LOL

[KC Burke]

When different weapons are mentioned in news reports over the years such as a Home defense shotgun or a semi-auto mag fed rifle, my wife asks “do we have one of those?” And if I say “no” she says, “better get one.”

[Some Fat Guy in L.A.]

Writing for the Bee must be like shooting fish in a barrel these days. The satire practically writes itself.

[Big Red Badger]

Huh?
What,,,Soup NAZI virgin?
.
Well I’m binge Watching
“Breaking Bad”.
It should have stopped
When Tio took out Gus!!!

[marktwain]

Then why do they call themselves Law Enforcement Officers and not Citizen Protection Officers?

That has been a "Progressive" change in word use. It is deliberately Orwellian.

I remember when they were called peace officers. It was their job to enforce the peace, and restore the peace.