'They Will Never Take The Precious From Us!' Hisses Democrat Tightly Clutching Mask

The Babylon Bee ^ | May 21, 2021 | The Babylon Bee

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

PORTLAND, OR—In a dark cave outside Portland, a burglar has reported that he spotted local liberal man Greg Frederic sitting on a rock in the middle of a pond, whispering sweet nothings to his mask.

"It is my own, my precious," he whispered to himself, having been locked in the cave since last March. His eyes have adjusted to the dark, dank cave, causing them to grow into large green orbs. Since he's too scared to get DoorDash, he eats fish from the cavern's pool, causing him to evolve sharp teeth and slippery, wet, fish-like skin.

The man reportedly grows angry if anybody tries to take his mask from him or suggests that he won't need it forever. "IT'S MINE! IF I'M ANGRY IT'S YOUR FAULT!" he snapped as a neighbor checked in on him, not having seen him for many months. "YOU WANT THE MASK FOR YOURSELF!"

The burglar, trying to help out, managed to snatch the mask from the liberal after tricking him at a game of riddles. He has taken it to the factory where it was forged in order to cast it into the fire from whence it came and destroy it once and for all.

Asked for comment, Frederic was in hysterics and only shouted, "WE WANTS IT, WE NEEDS IT! MUST HAVE THE PRECIOUS! THEY STOLE IT FROM US! SNEAKY LITTLE REPUBLICANS! WICKED, TRICKSY, FALSE!" He is currently stalking the thief to try to get the precious back.

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

Wicked, wicked Republicans!

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

One mask to rule them all . . .

DANG!

[LibertyWoman]

*snicker*

[BradyLS]

THE LORD of the MAKS

[Nateman]

...in the District of Corruption where the Swamp RATs lie...

[Impala64ssa]

[Nateman]

We hates the nasty Orange Man, we hates it!

[BradyLS]

“What has it gots in its nasty, filthy little pocketses, it asks?”

[BradyLS]

“Taters, eh? What is ‘taters,’ my Precious?”

[BradyLS]

“The TRUMP!!! The Trump doesn’t wear the Precious?!? We hstes it! We hates it foreveeeerrr!!!”

[a fool in paradise]

[Magnum44]

PETA would consider this animal cruelty

Need I say more???

[Noumenon]

Mordor on the Potomac is back. It must be destroyed.

[Noumenon]

What’s taters, preciousss?

[null and void]

The good news is Dr. Fauci just declared that if you wear two swim suits you can pee in the pool all summer.

[Allegra]

Bwahahahaha!

[tinamina]

I saw a sign on a restaurant billboard in Florida last week that said “used masks for sale”. I guess the guy is pretty outspoken and always getting in fights with City Hall.

[Twotone]

If you would like more information about what’s happening in Oregon, please FReepmail me. Please send me your name by FReepmail if you want to be on this list.

[little jeremiah]

I am sure there really are people doing this in their so-called real lives.

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

It’s satire, but then again, it’s Portland.