Free Republic

PORTLAND, OR—In a dark cave outside Portland, a burglar has reported that he spotted local liberal man Greg Frederic sitting on a rock in the middle of a pond, whispering sweet nothings to his mask. "It is my own, my precious," he whispered to himself, having been locked in the cave since last March. His eyes have adjusted to the dark, dank cave, causing them to grow into large green orbs. Since he's too scared to get DoorDash, he eats fish from the cavern's pool, causing him to evolve sharp teeth and slippery, wet, fish-like skin. The man reportedly grows...

MOUNT DOOM—Governor Gretchen Whitmer is refusing to throw the Ring of Power back into Mount Doom, despite the Michigan Supreme Court ordering her to return it into the fires whence it came. "Throw it into the fire! Destroy it!" shouted a judge sitting on the court, after leading Whitmer to the Cracks of Doom. "We can end this all right now!" "Nooo! Not my precious!" Whitmer screamed as the state Supreme Court handed down the order to destroy the Ring. "Nasty, nasty Constitution! We don't likes it! Nasty, fat Founding Fathers!" She turned and left.