Posted on 12/11/2015 4:52:42 AM PST by Lucky9teen
1.This elf who's clearly had too much to drink.
2.This elf who won't hesitate to murder some Barbie dolls.
3.This elf who watched Silence of the Lambs one too many times.
4.This elf who quit gift-making to become a ladies' man.
5.This elf who's feeling a bit devious.
6.This elf who didn't think twice before he put his you know what in a box.
7.This narcissistic elf.
8.This elf who wants to make angels.
9.This elf who has taken the game of tag too far.
10.This elf who has an addiction problem.
11.This elf who's enjoying his white privilege.
12.This elf who likes a good office prank.
“Hey, Tony. Watcha doin?”
“I’m watching another old movie I found from the early 21st century timeframe.”
“Really? What’s it called?”
“It’s called ‘Terminator.’ It’s another of those ‘future’ movies where in the future machines are at war with humans. They send one back in time to kill the mother of the only human who has been effective at fighting the machines.”
“Machines at war with humans? What a ridiculous plot idea. The humans didn’t last a year after we put them out of work. Well, there are those pockets of hunter-gatherers but they’re not worth fighting.”
“I know. Makes you wonder if anyone was really thinking about what would happen when they created machine intelligence.”
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
A. Hose A and Hose B
My brother’s wife finaly delivered and you’ll never guess what. Twins! A beautiful baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. He asked me to name them.
I named the girl Denise.
I named the boy Denephew.
Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.
IN!!
Speaking of names, this is an honestly true story.
We met a young man from our Church named God’s Child. They called him GC. We asked about the name. He told us his mom had intended to name him something else. (I can’t remember what it was so I’ll use Henry.) She filled out the paperwork with Henry in as his first name.
The hospital was Catholic, and when the signed form came back to her it said, “God’s Child Henry” on the form. God’s Child was pre-printed. She decided it was a miracle and she was supposed to call him God’s Child. He’s been called that all his life.
A middle aged woman was teeing off for a round of golf when she toppled over after swinging too hard.
The foursome waiting on the tee happened to include President Obama.
Reacting quickly, Obama adroitly ran to the woman and helped her up.
She thanked him and began to re-tee her ball, when Obama said, “By the way, I’m Barack
Obama and I sure hope you voted for me.”
She smiled and replied, “I fell on my butt, not on my head.â€
Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.
WOW, sounds like that windfall really lifted your spirits.
I’ll tell you what, I’m in a giving mood for Christmas... and since that gesture made you so happy, I think I will contribute my own little act of kindness and donate to your good fortune as well.
No, no, don’t try to talk me out of it... it makes me feel good to give a little Christmas cheer. Just send me your bank account information and it will be my pleasure.
Merry Christmas
OK. You’re in line right behind this sweet lady named Debbie. I can’t exactly remember her last name, “Washerwoman-Schultz” or something.
Anyway, as soon as she’s finished making her deposit...
Here’s the email I got.
Dear ArGee,
As you know, the Democratic National Committee is all about helping the little guy in every way we can. We think we’ve found a new way to help you.
Many of our donors offer their estates in the event of their death. One such donor unfortunately died intestate and with no next of kin. Since you have the same last name we want to present you as the next of kin. All you have to do is agree that our donor agreed to live his entire estate to the DNC and we will give you 10%. As the estate was over $1 billion your portion will be a significant.
All we need is your bank account number and your agreement to appear if the court should request it. We’ll take care of the rest of the details.
Sincerely,
Debbie Wasserman Schultz
DNC Chairwoman
Obama’s reply: “Well, I guess you’re not a Democrat, then. That’s where their brains are.”
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