Posted on 02/03/2009 1:32:00 PM PST by Rockitz
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started
LOL!!!!
Very good.
Now, now, Laz is not a “former FReeper” anymore. ;^)
I rear ended the car in front of me on the way to work. I got out of the car to look at the damage, but the other driver seemed to have some trouble getting out of his car. There was hardly a scratch, so he could not have been injured. But when the door opened I understood why. Because he was a Dwarf, he had an elaborate system of belts and pedals which enabled him to drive. He walks around to the back of the car. Looks at the scratch and says to me, “I am not happy”. So I said, “Well then, which one are you?” And then the fight started.
ROFL! These are good ones. I can relate.
LMAO!!!!
My wife and I were happy for 20 years ... then we met!
Rodney Dangerfield
Lazamataz != Lazmataz
Bah-dah-bump, keesh!
LOL!
I admit it.
So who is the FReeper Lazmataz?
I dunno - he’s been banned for years.
Ping!——These are too good to miss.
How about some “a priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar,.....” jokes?
Or,....”an Irishman, a Jew and an Italian” (subsitute your favorite ethnic stereotype here,....) walk into a bar,......
I just love the old bad cornball jokes.
“Take my wife,.....Please!”
Like the other day, a friend of mine said to me,...”You’re a real comodeian”
joke bump
I am sad.
A priest, a rabbi and a minister were all in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The Minister says, “I am thirsty. I will go to shore and get something to drink.”
So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.
The minister says, “I am thirsty also. I will go to shore and get something to drink.”
So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.
The rabbi thinks to himself “pretty cool. I will try it.” So he says, “I am thirsty also. I will go to shore and get something to drink.”
He gets out of the boat and falls in the water and drowns.
Then the priest said to the minister, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”
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