Posted on 09/13/2005 6:16:59 PM PDT by WestTexasWend
Forgive me if this is posted in the wrong place, and forgive me for passing these on. Misery loves company.
Really, really bad... Really.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad....) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Ouch.
The Pope, a horse, and a piece of string walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A man walks into a bar carrying a large box. He reaches into the box and takes out a tiny piano, a little man no more than a foot high, and an old oil lamp.
The tiny musician sits down at the piano and begins to play. He is a master - classical, jazz, and show tunes all flow effortlessly from fingers. Upon finishing his set, the whole bar breaks out in applause.
Needless to say, the man with the box is treated to many, many free drinks. Finally, as the evening is drawing to a close, the bartender asks the man where he found the musician.
The man points at the oil lamp. "That lamp contains a genie. If you rub it, he'll appear and grant your wish. But I'll warn you right now, pal, you only get one wish, and he's a little deaf."
The bartender grabs lamp and rubs it vigorously. With a puff of smoke, the genie appears and asks "WHAT IS YOUR WISH, OH MY MASTER?"
The bartender exclaims "I want a million bucks!"
"IT IS DONE!" The genie claps his hands and vanishes.
A duck suddenly pops into existence in midair. It is followed a moment later by another one, and a split-second later by a dozen more. In minutes, the bar is filled floor-to-ceiling with ducks, and nobody doubts that there are a million of them.
The bartender looks at the man with the box. "Kind of deaf, you said?"
The man nods. "You think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
>A dog limps into a bar<
A man walks into a bar and says, "ouch".
see #78
he really DOES play the piano with ...ahem...'them'........
scroll down to the bottom of the page, say download...rightclick and 'save as' desktop?
OK, you can come back to the party now. Some other FReepers arrived...
,,,and UNfortunately, they brought plenty of puns to share.
LOL, I should take a look. :-)
If you watch carefully you can see that he's not "really" playing the keys. It's easy to spot during the last two notes of "God Bless The USA" when the camera switches from a closeup to a distant shot. The two last notes are identical, but the ball strikes a very different place on the keyboard. I think what he does is have the notes "pre-tuned", and the ball striking the keyboard triggers the correct note regardless of where the ball hits. That's because timing errors are much easier to spot than placement errors. A great performance nonetheless.
Has anyone seen the one of the guy who plays about 20 different bicycle horns that are attached all over his body?
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"
Long ago in the town of Crosspatch Colorado, before the bridge was built over the river, there lived a girl named Hattie. Now Hattie wasn't too bright and was only able to find work as a bar girl.
The bar where she worked was in East Crosspatch on the other side of the river from her home and about two miles from here parent's house.
As commonly happened to bar girls in those days Hattie found herself with child and delivered twin boys. Not being too bright, Hattie named her first son Horace after the father and the second son Horace after her favorite uncle.
Now in order to cross the river Hattie had to ride the ferry each day and the water was rough enough that the rule was to always hold on to the safety lines. Which Hattie always did. Except once.
On that fateful day, while taking her sons to her mother's house before going to work one of her sons began to cry. So she checked and found he was desperately in need of a diaper change. While she was changing him his brother also started to cry. so she let go of the safety line and started to change her sons.
Just then ferry hit a rock and all three of them fell overboard and drowned.
The moral of the story is, as everyone knows, Never change Horaces in mid-stream
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Back in the 1880's Montana was a wild and mostly unsettled place. Mail, medicines and most urgent goods were transported by pony express riders going from town to town.
During the spring of 1883 there was a huge flood between the towns of Bad Eye and Pawter. The train went into Bad Eye so they weren't too bad off but Pawter was totally isolated. To make things worse there was a violent outbreak of dysentary in Pawter and the medicines could only get as far as Bad Eye. The roads and trails were flooded out and even most pony express riders saw the trip as too dangerous to attempt.
One rider, Ben, was a very brave young man with a heart full of compassion for his fellow man. He couldn't stand to watch his friends in Pawter die when there was a chance he could get the medicines to them.
So Ben saddled his pony and started off to Pawter. When he got to the rain swollen river he charged right in hoping for the best.
Well the current swept them way down stream but Ben kept pulling his horse's head back upstrem and to the other bank, leading him to where the horse could climb out of the river. They climbed the bank and made it to Pawter and saved the people. Ben was the town's hero and they erected a statue to him that stands to this day.
The moral of this story? You can lead a horse to Pawter but you can't make him sink!
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Fred loved to fish in the surf. Unfortunately Fred also suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and couldn't stand to get his feet wet. This meant that Fred only fished when the tide was out.
The fishing was good, He caught striped bass in large numbers but all of them seemed to be very oily and fatty. Not at all what he really wanted to eat.
Well one day while waiting for the tide to go out Fred watched the other fishermen. They were standing in the water and cathing big beautiful meaty fish. "I guess it's really true" Fred thought "The bass is leaner on the other tide"
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Nowadays the job of mortician is not seen as very attractive to most people but that's not how it's always been. Back in the old west the mortician was a valued and prosperous member of the community. He provided a great service in getting rid of the losers from gunfights, accident victims and other bodies which would just stink up the place if not buried properly.
Well one such mortician, Jebediah Jones, ran a particulary lucrative funeral home in the town of Wild Willow Arizona. Jeb made a great living and was thus greatly sought after by the single ladies of the community. Jeb had a peculiar trait however, he would only date girls named Meg.
Well after a while Jeb found that he was going out with 3 girls named Meg all at the same time. And for some reason none of them suspected anything. Jeb thought this was ideal. He had company whenever he wished it and yet could stay remote enough that marriage never really entered the picture.
One day the town's richest man died. Old mister Smith was a big man, 400 lbs or so, and very well respected in the community. Anyone showing disrepect for him or his family in this time of grief would be ridden out of town on a rail.
Jeb built a big box to bury Mr Smith in and as he was working on the tombstone one of his girlfriends dropped by. Having a private place and some time they started to sweet talk and cuddle just a bit
There came a knock on the door and Jeb knew that being caught with a girl in the parlor would be seen as disrectful to Mr Smith and he couldn't let that happen. So Jeb coaxed Meg to get into the big box and wait until the coast was clear.
He answered the door to find another of his girlfriends at the door. Just as she came in someone else knocked. Looking around he could find only one hiding place. That's right, the big box. So he put her into the box also. and answered the door.
Yet another of his girl friends! Although he tried to get her to leave she pushed her way in and started to kiss him!. And wouldn't you know it there was another knock on the door!
So he put the third girl into the big box and answered the door to find Mr Smith's widow there to check on progress.
While they were talking the three girls had a chance to compare notes and became greatly enraged at him. They burst out of the box, marched past Jeb and Mrs Smith and swore that he was a cad and that they would never speak to him again.
Mrs. Smith was astounded at the disrespect shown her husband and had Jeb rode out of town. He lost everything.
So always remember. Never put all your Megs in one casket
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There were three sisters who lived on the poor side of town a few years back. They were sweet girls, very good looking and loved by everyone. So they all ended up with dates for the prom.
Unfortunately, while most of their friends were weathly they were very poor so their father could only afford to let one on of them get their hair done for the dance. The problem was how to decide which one.
The girls got together and decided to have a race. The best beautician was in the next town over so the girls decided to borrow whatever transportation they could and the first one to the beauty parlor would get their hair done.
The eldest borrowed a small helicopter,sometimes called a whirlybird from her date's father. He was glad to do it as he greatly admired the girl and wanted her to realy enjoy the prom. He knew that her pride would not let her accept a gift but a loan she could handle.
The second daughter borrowed a bi-plane from the local airport (she was dating the owners son) and the youngest borrowed a sports car.
On the day of the big race everyone in town showed up to root on their favorite and the girls were off. While it looked like the plane would be first the second daughter couldn't find a place to land so she was out of contention. The youngest had a great head start but ran over something in the road and got a flat.
So the eldest got to get her hair done as everyone really expected. After all, the whirlybird gets the perm.
Pun Ping
A termite walks into a tavern and says "Is the bar tender here?"
That was a long way to go for that one. :)
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