Posted on 09/13/2005 6:16:59 PM PDT by WestTexasWend
Forgive me if this is posted in the wrong place, and forgive me for passing these on. Misery loves company.
Really, really bad... Really.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad....) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A. You can't. A mountain climber is a scaler.
SD
Thank you for the 'pun'ishment. Old Xanth reader here. =] FRegards....
A Russian, a Mexican and a Chinese immigrant all apply to work as laborers in a mine. The foreman says to the Russian, "You look pretty strong. Here's a pick axe, go start digging." The Russian says "Da" and heads down into the mine. He turns to the Mexican. "You look pretty strong, too. I want you to go push the carts of ore up out of the mine." The Mexican says "Si" and pushes an empty cart down the tunnel. He then looks at the Chinese guy, who is kind of short and skinny, not really cut out for physical labor, though he does seem to have a little better grasp of English. "Ummm... Alright, you're going to be in charge of supplies, OK?" The Chinese man nods his head in agreement, saying "Yes, yes."
A few days later, the foreman decides to check on his new employees' progress. The Russian is digging away just as he'd hoped, and the Mexican has moved tons of ore out of the mine. The foreman visits the supply area, but the Chinese guy is nowhere to be found. He goes back to where the others are working and asks, "Have you guys seen that Chinese guy I hired? I haven't seen him in days." Suddenly, the Chinese worker jumps out from behind a cart and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"
Continuing on in this "thread"-
So a piece of rope goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender refuses, pointing to a sign on the wall that states "ROPES NOT SERVED HERE", and throws the rope out of the bar.
The piece of rope is determined to get something there; it roughens up its ends, twists and contorts itself, strolls back into the bar and again asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of rope I just tossed outta here?!"
The rope replied: "Nope -- frayed knot..."
So this termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
Quasimodo had just informed the bishop that he was retiring and moving to Florida with his new bride Esmeralda. The bishop, realizing that he would need a new bell ringer decided that he would conduct the interviews personally.
When the day for the interviews arrived the bishop went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer`s job.
Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
{WAIT! WAIT! It gets worse!}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man`s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop`s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don`t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...
"....but he`s a dead ringer for his brother."
LOL!!!
Sounds like you had a great time!
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer..............and some nuts". The bartender says, "Alright, pal, but why the big paws?"
Seems there were these two clams, Sam and Fred. These guys were the closest offriends, tighter than Tonto and the Lone Ranger (who knows, they were Bi (valvesthat is)). Anyway, one day Sam up and dies. Fred is heartbroken.
Not long after, with little left to live for, Fred dies as well. He goes into the great darkness, follows the bright light to the end of the tunnel, and reaches heaven.
Heaven is a beautiful place, quiet, peaceful, serene.
But somehow, Fred cannot find Sam anywhere. He goes to talk to Saint Peter and finds out that Sam has for some reason or other been sent to Hell!!! Fred sadly goes back to his business in heaven, laying around, basking in glory,
etc...
But eventually, he cannot stand it any longer and asks if there is some way that he could talk to Sam one last time. Saint Peter hems and haws and finally decides that, because of Fred's exceptionally dedicated friendship, he can allow
a one hour pass. St. Peter's last words to Fred as he is leaving are "Just make absolutely certain that you don't leave your harp or your halo behind, Fred."
Fred winds his way down the path to Hell and manages to find Sam with little trouble. Sam is, in fact, running the most popular disco in Hell!! Fred finds Sam behind the bar and the two old friends reminisce and say goodbye.
Suddenly, Fred realizes that his hour is nearly up and goes racing back to Heaven. When he gets to the gate Saint Peter says: "Well, Fred, I see your halo, but where's your harp??"
Fred thinks for a moment and looks up, horrified.
"Oh My God!!! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!!!!!!!
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
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A young man was in love with a lovely young lady but unfortunately she did not feel the same way about him. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.
They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution however. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.
He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month.
The witch told him, ..."Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven, and pills buried say it best."
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It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses.
Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:
Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993.
Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.
Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971.
The advice to the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!"
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
In the ancient cattle kingdom, two cows, Duke Udder and Duke Moo were chewing the cud in the court.
Duke Moo made a joke over an obscure reference that Duke Udder didnt catch.
Duke Udder asked for a hint at the meaning.
King Cow walked by and interjected, You mean you want one clue over the Duke Moos jest?
Groannnn...
Groan -- I just woke up to see that, hr. Props to you for coming up with a good one. You sure don't need anyone to coach you in punning, even when you wing it. I have to carry on with some other business now. Hope you're not board with my effort.
Heh-heh.
Found a few keepers.
I thought your effort was First Class, as compared to other efforts I've seen that were just fare.
[Freepmail me to get on or off this Not-A-Ping-List.]
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