Posted on 09/13/2005 6:16:59 PM PDT by WestTexasWend
Forgive me if this is posted in the wrong place, and forgive me for passing these on. Misery loves company.
Really, really bad... Really.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad....) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Well (evil grin), I could tell ya, but then, ya see, I'd have to kill ya (c;
see #19.
Another good one!
You have been covered with an anti-zot shield :)
It might be worth it! I always wanted to go out laughing! LOL!
Actually, ALL of yours beat the "top ten" all to heck...
congratulations!...I think.
As further punishment I'm watching Tommy Lee taking a test at the U of Nebraska.
I guess I've officially hit bottom.
Post Katrina Stress Disorder.
Tommy Lee? I don't get it!
(sly grin)
HA HA HA HA HA! Good one!
Neither do I!
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
From an ex-nazi SS interrogator, now a watchmaker, to the clock that won't run and which he is repairing: "Ve haf vays off making you tock!"
This is a long one I heard many years ago:
A man was looking for a job, and had just about given up hope of finding one when he walked into the Sesame Street Alternative School and asked if they had any openings.
The director said they had one, but it was for the "short bus" driver and it was a tough route.
The man said he'd take anything, so he grabbed the list of kids to pick up and the keys and away he went.
He drove to the first house, and there was a very large girl standing on the corner. She got on the bus and said "Hi, I'm Patti!" The man said hello, explained he was the new bus driver and they drove to the next stop.
At the second stop, another very large girl was waiting. She got on and said "Hi, I"m Patti!" The bus driver introduced himself and thought "that's strange... they're both named Patti.... this is a weird route."
At the the third stop, a boy got on the bus. He got on and told the bus driver that everyone called him "Special Ross." "I wonder why?" the bus driver thought. On to the fourth stop.
There a young boy got on and said "Hey, man! I'm Lester T.!" The bus driver said "hello, Lester," and they were off to the school.
About halfway back, the bus driver smelled an awful smell, and looked up to see Lester with his shoes and socks off, and his feet propped up on the seat in front of him and picking at his toes....
The man drove back to the school and immediately quit, saying he could find a better job than "Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
Bwwaaahhaaahhhaaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaaa!!!!
And while we're on the subject...
The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
SOS! Ungggggggggggggh-athon in progress here.
Bring blankets, tourniquets, teddy bears, fresh water, earplugs and SPARE KEYBOARDS....
Not mention monitor wipers!:)
What letters did old mother hubbard say when she opened her cupboard. O I C U R M T
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
LOL, they are all funny. Thanks.
So, did you bring a pun to the party? Inquiring minds want to know.
No pun.
We have you around – and you are good... sorta. lol
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.