HUMANS EVOLVED FROM PIGS - not from monkeys, new theory states!

The Weekly World News ^ | 04/19/2004

[MRMEAN]

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM PIGS - not from monkeys, new theory states! Charles Darwin was wrong -- humans evolved from pigs, not apes. And that explains the Biblical prohibition against consuming the flesh of our oinking relatives, according to a startling new theory. "It's hard to believe, but you and Porky Pig are kissing cousins," says genetic scientist Dr. Basil Hainwright of London. "Dim recollections of a time when we trotted on all fours and rolled in the mud with our family members probably survived into Neolithic times. "And so it is hardly surprising that dietary laws making taboo the eating of pork -- one step away from cannibalism -- found their way into the holiest texts of ancient man." Until modern-day DNA science came of age and researchers meticulously analyzed the specific genes of mankind and other creatures, it was widely assumed that humans and hogs were as distantly related as we look. But the latest research shows the two species are unbelievably close. "It turns out humans and pigs shared a common ancestor just 64 million years ago -- a blink of the eye in evolutionary terms," Dr. Hainwright says. "My research suggests that this creature looked far more like a pig than an ape. It walked on all fours, had an upturned snout and a small, curly tail. "If you saw it today, you would definitely identify it as a pig." The close relationship explains the many similarities between the species today: *Both are extremely intelligent. *Both are omnivores, eating meat as well as vegetables. *Both are highly adaptable, capable of gentle behavior in a protective environment, while capable of great aggression when forced to fend for themselves. "This also explains why pig organs are so successful in transplants into humans," explains Dr. Hainwright. "Not only are the genetic differences almost inconsequential, but the closeness of size and function of pig organs make them perfectly compatible with the human body. "Even the most primitive savages have noted the extraordinary resemblance: A name given by cannibals to human meat is 'long pig.' "And of course, in schools around the world, fetal pigs are chosen for dissection because they're virtually identical at a certain stage to an unborn human." While all this may sound creepy, Dr. Hainwright says it shouldn't cause us to abandon xenotransplantion, as the use of pig organs is known -- and he doesn't even believe we should give up our beloved bacon and pork chops. "At some point in evolution, our ancestors climbed out of the mud, began walking erect and started using tools," he explains. "Our less-ambitious cousins developed into the Middle-Eastern wild boar Sus scrofa, the ancestor of domesticated breeds of pigs now raised for food in Great Britain and the U.S. "While we may from time to time look at a pig struggling in its pen and honking in fear as it's taken to the slaughterhouse, and imagine ourselves in its place, the reality is evolution has led us quite far from our piggish ancestors."

[mike182d]

Homer: "Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"

Lisa: "No."

Homer: "Ham?"

Lisa: "No!"

Homer: "Pork chops?"

Lisa: "Dad, those all come from the same animal!"

Homer: "Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah.... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal."

[Zivasmate]

Certain "humans" certainly act that way. Maybe instead of calling them DemoRats, we should call them DemoPigs.

[#1CTYankee]

So this explains why Henry Waxman looks the way he does.

[KidGlock]

Depends which human.

[Route101]

That would explain Ted Kennedy.........

[MarineBrat]

This one's just toooooo rich in fodder. I'm not going to touch it! :)

[Yaelle]

Yes, pigs are not kosher because we once were pigs. We might also have descended from lower sea crawlers such as lobster and shrimp. I refuse to believe it... until I see what the WWN Alien says about all this.

[snarks_when_bored]

Just five words:  Kramer and the Pig Man.

[AmericanMade1776]

"At some point in evolution, our ancestors climbed out of the mud, began walking erect and started using tools," he explains.

-----

Yeah,...I believe it, some are still not too far removed from the pig stye...

Real Oinkers

Ward Churchill

Ted Kennedy

Al Gore

Michael Moore

[506trooper]

Too many possible responses so I'm not even going to post on this thread.

LOL

[Route101]

Thanks for the visual!!!...L.O.L.....real oinkers for sure!

[Prost1]

This is not new news. Years ago it was demonstrated the pig organs were closer to human than monkey organs, particulary the digestive system.

[N. Theknow]

33 And the demons came out from the man, and entered into the swine: and the herd rushed down the steep into the lake, and were drowned.

The origin of deviled ham.

[conservativebabe]

Well, that would explain why so many men are pigs!

Just kidding fellas!

[SunkenCiv]

"Basil Hainwright" -- love those made-up names from the WWN.

[GreenFreeper]

Come on now this is the same newpaper that discovered bat boy!!

[conservativebabe]

AWESOME! LOL!

[SunkenCiv]

[rocky squirrel voice] "Here's something you'll really like."

[7.62 x 51mm]

Well shucks. That explains Mikey Moore-on, Rosie O'Donut, Helen Thomas, Babs Boxer Shorts and tens-of-thousands of liberal-demokkkRAT garbage.