Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

To: Just another Joe

Come as you are, I love this bar!

Hey, Joe, Great song. Thanks.

41 posted on 04/30/2004 5:41:47 PM PDT by bwteim (Begin With The End In Mind)

To: Just another Joe

I'm real. I think you're real. Friday night paranoia. Maybe I'm not that paronoid.

42 posted on 04/30/2004 6:31:15 PM PDT by metesky (You will be diverse, just like us.)

Hey, thanks. ;^)
Sorry I'm so behind in my comments here. My Dad came up yesterday and stayed over. We're going to my aunt's house this morning for a little wing-ding. A little family thing for her 87th (or 88th??) birthday.

43 posted on 05/01/2004 3:36:18 AM PDT by MeekOneGOP (There is ONLY ONE good Democrat: one that has just been voted OUT of POWER ! Straight ticket GOP!)

I know that and you know that.

44 posted on 05/01/2004 5:09:02 AM PDT by Gabz (Those people with no honor have no idea how to treat honorable people.)

To: Just another Joe

Hey Joe - where are we??????????????

45 posted on 05/07/2004 2:48:08 PM PDT by Gabz (Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my cigarettes)

To: red-dawg; Fiddlstix; RikaStrom; robomatik; ladyinred; error99; Max McGarrity; Gabz; sneakypete; ...

I just left the door open so we can use it again.

46 posted on 05/07/2004 4:52:48 PM PDT by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)

To: Just another Joe

Works for me........

We've got major sotrm system heading this way......so I ain't gonna be around very long.

47 posted on 05/07/2004 4:56:31 PM PDT by Gabz (Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my cigarettes)

To: Just another Joe

Getting lazy in our old age are we?

I have a few jokes to share, so here we go:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't."

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

48 posted on 05/07/2004 5:07:32 PM PDT by Don W (If vivisection is considered horrific, why isn't abortion?)

That is very funny!!!!!!!!!

49 posted on 05/07/2004 5:08:37 PM PDT by Gabz (Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my cigarettes)

A friend sent me this. Hope you like it. Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003! Thank God you included me in your quest to inform! Thanks to all of you:- * I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains. * I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. * I smell like shit, but thank God I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. * I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then and try to rob me. * I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from Hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. * I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs. * I stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. * When I go to parties, I don't look at any guy, no matter how hot he is, for fear that he will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. * I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older ... * I went bankrupt from bounced cheques that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. And I'm still waiting for the little things to pop up on my screen from all those e-mails that I forwarded on to all the right amount of people. Does anyone know how long it takes? But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from Hell. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1,200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will poop on you today at 7:00 pm. Register Offenders, Not Guns

50 posted on 05/07/2004 5:10:52 PM PDT by Don W (If vivisection is considered horrific, why isn't abortion?)

Dang, forgot to format it!

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003!

Thank God you included me in your quest to inform! Thanks to all of you:-

* I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like shit, but thank God I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from Hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

* I stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any guy, no matter how hot he is, for fear that he will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older ...

* I went bankrupt from bounced cheques that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

And I'm still waiting for the little things to pop up on my screen from all those e-mails that I forwarded on to all the right amount of people. Does anyone know how long it takes?

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from Hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1,200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will poop on you today at 7:00 pm.

51 posted on 05/07/2004 5:12:14 PM PDT by Don W (If vivisection is considered horrific, why isn't abortion?)

I guess the bird will poop on me tomorrow at 7:00pm

52 posted on 05/07/2004 5:15:39 PM PDT by Gabz (Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my cigarettes)

My Gawd ! That kid looks like Krushchev !!

53 posted on 05/07/2004 5:21:36 PM PDT by genefromjersey (So little time - so many FLAMES to light !!)

To: Gabz; red-dawg; Fiddlstix; RikaStrom; robomatik; ladyinred; error99; Max McGarrity; sneakypete; ...

AND THESE PEOPLE (READ IDIOTS) ARE RUNNING
THE COUNTRY!!!!!

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we the USA - - - ARE IN REAL trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT' and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it'
(I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map." The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! knew it was a big animal," she said.

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.

54 posted on 05/07/2004 5:21:49 PM PDT by Don W (If vivisection is considered horrific, why isn't abortion?)

To: Just another Joe

"I love this bar"

I love this bar too.............

55 posted on 05/07/2004 5:29:15 PM PDT by SheLion (Please register to vote! We can't afford to be silent.)

To: Just another Joe

"I just left the door open so we can use it again"

Thanks!

56 posted on 05/07/2004 5:29:46 PM PDT by bwteim (Begin With The End In Mind)

SheLion, I'm in lust with that avatar! Naughty creature! Send her my freepmail addy < BG >.

Here's one rather apropriate for this time of year. (Well, a couple weeks late, but.......)

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,”I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for the IRS."

57 posted on 05/07/2004 5:39:56 PM PDT by Don W (If vivisection is considered horrific, why isn't abortion?)

To: bwteim; Just another Joe

Joe, I'd like a tall beer, a bowl of hard pretzels, and an ashtray. Please and thanks.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?"" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

58 posted on 05/07/2004 5:43:03 PM PDT by Don W (If vivisection is considered horrific, why isn't abortion?)

To: Just another Joe

I just left the door open so we can use it again.

*walks through door, looks around, lights up a Marlboro*

Howdy all... I see I'm late to the party again... is there any liquor still to be had?

(I don't care that it's Saturday morning here, I had some bad news from California this morning my time - my father-in-law died this week - and a shot of bourbon would do me nicely thanks very much...)

59 posted on 05/07/2004 5:45:59 PM PDT by KangarooJacqui (Australia.... halfway down the slippery slide to socialism - observe our deeds, and beware!)

WE need to start electing people with 3 digit IQs

60 posted on 05/07/2004 5:46:59 PM PDT by Gabz (Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my cigarettes)

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