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[Just another Joe]

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Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...

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Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...

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aaaaa,:`___________________________||`,:'.",`.;'`,:'.',`: <--------Life is good!
A very special thank you to Registered for providing us with this fine logo....we will bear it with pride.

[Don W]

THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER

---

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!


Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

[Don W]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And, I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of the United States of America. I am also going to be my parties nominee for President." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[Don W]

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.

So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh,whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.

The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[Don W]

The good, the bad, and the ugly



1.Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting,
Ugly: ....with corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you.

[Eastbound]

Hi, Joe. I've been here for a while. Decided to read the jokes before I ordered. Just a glass of beer, lotsa foam and a saltshaker. Thanks a bunch.

Nice buncha jokes, gang. Thanks a lot for sharing. I don't know how to tell a joke and it always a pleasure to hear someone who can.

[Gabz]

I have never really like banana - but when I was pregnant I found myself practicly craving them.

I haven't eaten a banana in over 5 years................

[Gabz]

I'm so glad that one has been updated!!!!!

On that note I'm going to go catch a nap - hubby will be home in about 3 hours from being ut of town all week - and if I don't get some shut eye I will be non-functional to even say hello.

See some of you miscreants tomorrow - the rest of you have a great weekend!!!!!!

[lockjaw02]

Along those line, here's the "THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!":

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

[lockjaw02]

More kidstuff:

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. "Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

[lockjaw02]

Home Remedies...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers:
simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache?
Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are . . .

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.

If You woke up breathing, Congratulations!
You have another chance!

And Finally . . .
Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

[Gabz]

You've met my daughter - the first and last ones are perfect descriptions of her.

Thank you for sharing.

[KangarooJacqui]

I hate being the last to get to this threads. But the 18-hour time difference between my place and the US West Coast, and the 15-hour time difference between myself and EST... means I have to keep very odd hours to be up on these threads...

(and these days I've been sleeping as much as I can, being that the booze stocks are low and cigarette stocks are completely out!)

Is the bar still open?

[SheLion]

LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY,

Then, there is this one: Live fast, die young, and have a good looking corpse. heh!

[Don W]

> HERE AT LAST ARE CLEANING TIPS THAT MAKE TOTAL SENSE!!!!!!!
>
> DIRT: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
> against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15
and
> leave it alone.
>
> COBWEBS: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the
> bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out
> that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim
> "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them
> holiday decorations)
>
> PET HAIR: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
> claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play
> animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in
winter)
>
> DUSTING: If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on
> the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to
scatter
> her ashes."
>
> GENERAL CLEANING: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with
> four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened
> rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself
on
> the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
>
> If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room
and
> close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the
> door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den,
> but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
>
> Light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven
and
> explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite
> charity and haven't had time to clean.
>
> Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests
> arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

[Don W]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."

---

[Don W]

SHE WAS SO BLONDE ........
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
At the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here," she wrote
Sagittarius.

SHE WAS SOO BLONDE........
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE.......
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said
"concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
She asked for a price check at the Everything For A Dollar Store.

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE.........
She studied for a blood test.
She sold her car for gas money.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE........
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she
moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

.....and finally
SHE WAS SOOOOOO BLONDE.......
She had a shirt that said TGIF, which she thought stood for 'This Goes
In Front'.

[Don W]

* KIDS IN CHURCH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3-year-old, Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss
the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could
tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a

Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo I listened with pride
.as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the
end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed,

"but deliver us some E-mail.
Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and one particular four-year-old prayed,


"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang,
and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out
loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would
get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity
for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the
four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand,
and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in
the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,


"Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"

[lockjaw02]

Here you go, Jacqui.

[KangarooJacqui]

Lead me not into temptation... (as I can find it very well myself, thankyou)

[lockjaw02]

Ah, the wife jokes.

Well, here's RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"