Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Puff List ^ | francisandbeans

[Just another Joe]

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Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...

Smoker's Lounge

Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...

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aaaaa,:`___________________________||`,:'.",`.;'`,:'.',`: <--------Life is good!
A very special thank you to Registered for providing us with this fine logo....we will bear it with pride.

[MeekOneGOP]

[lockjaw02]

Howdy, Joe. Drink please. Surprise me.

[Just another Joe]

Here ya go, lock

[SheLion]

Hi Joe! How about a Cognac and Coke on ice, please.

[lockjaw02]

Much thanks.

Patient: "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

Doc: "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

Patient: "Oh no", he replied, "I've never done those things."

Doc: "Do you eat rib-eye beefsteaks and bar-b-qued ribs??

Patient: "Nope, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

Doc: "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?”

Patient: No, I've never done any of those things either."

Doc: "Then tell me; can you think of any good reason why in hell you'd want to live to be 80?!?"

[Gabz]

QAY TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!

That is so cool, Meek!!!!!

[lockjaw02]

Qsay is dead. BTW, has this ever happened to your daughter?

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

[Gabz]

OK - I'm back - kid home from school and then had to go to store to buy the voracious eaters more dogfood........

Sheesh.

I did at least have the foresight to buy a 12 pack - didn't realize I only had one beer left in the house.

[Gabz]

ROFL!!!!

My daughter is a little too young for that to be happening, dontcha think?????

[lockjaw02]

Heck no. She's smart as a whip. Then how about this one?

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

[Gabz]

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

[lockjaw02]

And then there's my favorite:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[Gabz]

I can understand why that is your favorite!!!!

Good one!

[Don W]

I tried a similar tactic with Mr.Zippy, my pekinese-pomeranian-sheltie cross.

Every time I sat at my desk with a snack, he would sit up and beg. I tried scolding him, ignoring him, I even smacked him once. Nothing seemed to help, so I dug out a bottle of "Dave's Ultimate Insanity Hot Sauce".

Every time he begged, I'd give him a little piece of whatever I was eating, with a drop of this stuff on it. Zippy would snuffle, drag his face across the carpet, and perform all kinds of stupid "my face is on fire" tricks.

Well, it turns out that Mr. Zippy must be a bit of a masochist.....he LOVES the stuff!

[red-dawg]

Hey Joe, got a 7-up?
While your looking for one, here are a few aviation jokes I got in my email while I was out of town on business.

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.

As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause....
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph who don't know) No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

--------------------------------------------------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it."
He was cleared.

-------------------------------------

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

--------------------------------------------

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one".

And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. > Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

----------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

--------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

--------------------------------------------------

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

[Don W]

What else? More blonde jokes, of course!




> Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in
movie?
> They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
>

---

> Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
> She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
>

---

> Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
> There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators
> for over four hours.
>

---

> A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The
> doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering
> the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the
> eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through,
> covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
>
> As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
>
> "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
> glasses."
>
> "I know," agreed the blonde, "but I kind of had my heart set on wire
> frames."
>

---

> A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
> She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to
> the clerk to ask what it was.
>
> The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some
> things cold."
>
> "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it" So she
bought
> the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
> "What's that,' he asked?
>
> "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
> she replied.
>
> Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"
>
> The blonde replied,"Two popsicles, and some coffee.

[Don W]

Here's some free health advice.




BANANA A DAY


After Reading THIS, you'll NEVER look at the Banana in the same way again!

Doctors - Home Remedy

If you want a quick fix for flagging energy levels there's no better snack than a banana. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose - combined with fiber a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number illnesses and conditions making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain trypotophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives!

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heart-burn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body so if you suffer from heart-burn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside o! f a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronic ulcer cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer, rypotophan.

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking.
The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water-balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, there by reducing our potassium levels. These can be re-balanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in 'The New England Journal of Medicine' ,eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that, if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!So you see, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.

When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say,
"A Banana a day keeps the doctor away."

[Don W]

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

If it itches, you can scratch it, anywhere, any time.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[Don W]

LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION
OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY,

BUT RATHER TO SKID IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP,

TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING----WOW----WHAT A RIDE!!!

[Don W]

> Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted
portrait
> artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were
coming
> to him for paintings.
> One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
> She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
> first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was
> no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.
> Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the
lady
> to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.
> In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it.
> However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place
to
> wipe his brushes.