Posted on 11/08/2021 11:55:15 AM PST by Az Joe
Please excuse the personal nature of this story but I am getting very desperate and I thought there would be others on here that have dealt with a similar situation who might have advice/suggestions/etc
My son married this gal (SWMBO) 10 years ago. As time has gone on she has become more and more: Controlling, domineering, misandristic (hatred of men), you name the pathology.
Obviously, sad to admit, my son has completely lost his balls. He works hard and prefers to lay back and let her run roughshod over my 3 grandkids, me, him and whoever else might cross her path. SWMBO drops the 3 kids off at school in the morning and then does nothing until she goes and picks them up at the end of the day. She certainly doesn't clean the house or yard up. I think she plays computer games/watches TV all day. She doesn’t do much to keep up her physical appearance. My son comes home from work and takes the kids out to the park or community pool while she stays home. She does cook the meals. I watch the dogs on occasion for them while they’re up north a hundred miles to her mothers for several days. Once I found the kitchen in a horrible state of filth. Food on the floor, (chunks of it,) dishes piled in the sink and all over the counters two feet high. The children’s rooms a total disaster area. It was sickening. So I went to work and did what I could. But I felt heartbroken for my son, who works so hard to provide for his family.
SWMBO has become enraged with me a couple of times to the point, that at times, if I didn't walk away, I think she may have physically attacked me when I have simply ignored her and went about my business of visiting my son and my 3 grandkids. She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble. Fortunately I know women like her and remain calm.
Hopefully she stays current on her jabs. Seriously though, people that miserable are hiding or in denial of something. Sooner or later she’ll either get caught or crash.
First of all, she sounds like a man hater, so she chopped off you sons balls, but cant get to yours so she will lash out. Personally, there is nothing you can do until he makes a move to stand up you you, him and the kids. Make sure he stays off social meedia and takes pictures of what kind of slob she is. Hopefully he will see the light and file for mental creulity
She is mentally ill and try as you Like, nothing will ever change until,she comes to grips with her issues. Its sad. I have a sister like that. Havent talked to her for 20 years and all the groveling in the world will not matter with her. The solution is Christ, but that can never be forced on anyone. He knocks, you open the door to your heart. No easy answers other to keep forgiving and praying for her.
Wow, horrible advise.
You can support him in getting a divorce, but say goodbye to custody of the grandkids. Unless she commits a major felony, that just how domestic courts roll in most places.
Honestly, the proposition is scary, but maybe one of those times when she is getting violent, don’t run away. Make sure there are witnesses around to see it, and don’t retaliate.
Maybe I’m lacking an imagination here, but I don’t see options for you.
Your son may act like he has no testicular fortitude, and that may be true to some degree, but he lost any chance of commanding any level of respect from her once he gave up that ground. You can’t take it back once you’ve lost it. She knows she holds all the cards. All she has to do is bump her cheakbone with and put a scratch on her fore-arm and call the cops and way he goes in the back of a police car. He’ll never make a demand ever again.
Much of this is happening because your son permits it.
He permits this behavior for his own reasons.
Some people know they are being used like a doormat, but they fear being alone even more. He may presume having the wife direct the family via steamroll or bulldozer is the easiest way to keep the family together.
If your son is not already pushing back and insisting on certain guardrails of acceptable behavior, he has made his choice. A lot of men will decide to let the woman make the rules on running the household. He must be like that too.
Yes, she is likely jealous of any connection you have with the kids that she is not up to fulfilling.
You can still be a part of their lives, but unfortunately, not as close or constant as you would like.
If the kids are online, you can talk to them, or even go snail mail and send the children occassional ‘Hello Cards’ not related to any birthday. Hopefully, they will at least respond to getting the card or letter.
Revise what you expect from this family. This may be their way for a long time. Try not to depend too much on the interactions that you miss. This is a different type of family. Not tied to the same traditions or expectations as most of us of past generations.
Good luck.
You need a social worker and a counselor.
It sounds like you are dealing with a mental illness and unless she wants help there’s nothing you can do. Appealing to your son won’t help as she’ll convince him you’re the problem. If you’re in counseling, keep going and ask for help/pointers on dealing with her as she’s clearly damaged.
Hate to say it, but there’s nothing you can do. It’s his choice, not yours, to live in filth and work his butt off while she sits on her ever expanding butt. Visit the grandkids every chance you get - don’t they have two parents who have a say?
Does the son truly love her or is he putting up with her thinking she’d get them in a divorce?
think on: Serenity Prayer
Let go, let God
Thankfully, I’ve only seen this situation in about five or so of my friends/acquaintances. In every instance, the Shrews all cracked and left the demure husband OR cracked to the point where the passive hubby said “Screw THIS!” and left. In all cases, the Shrews tried to come back or had regrets. With the grandkids, it might be very tough, but your best tactic might be to tell the son that you’ve had enough of her, and that you must “part ways unless or until something changes - but it’s your life, son. You’re married to her but I’m not.”
It’s not fair for you to endure that nonsense and you can circle back to the kids on your own, once they leave home - and then help them with any counseling that they’ll presumably need by then.
Consult a Family Law Attorney.
Most will do an initial consult for free to find out whether you have any viable legal path you can navigate.
In the consult, discuss the Elder Abuse laws in AZ.
Talk about Emotional Abuse as it may relate.
Talk about how Law in AZ defines “Neglect”; as I understand it, there are differing degrees. Kids are in school, fed, have beds — the infrastructure is there; her love isn’t.
Understand, basis her past, SHE will not change until SHE gets help unwinding HER PERSONAL PAST issues.
If there’s anyone who could say this to her, you’ve gotta find someone who can, and will:
“You not getting counseling to overcome your past, is dragging your kids right into the chaos and dysfunction of your coping mechanisms.”
She’s having difficulty loving others because she’s having difficulty loving herself, and that’s a bar nobody can clear; you’ll never love anyone more, or treat anyone better, than you love, and treat, your own self.
For your son:
He very likely feels MANY things all at once, and the tangle offers no evident “first thing to do.”
He wants to help his wife get better.
Wants to be pleasing, to relate like they did “before.”
He wants her to get whatever help she needs to get free of her demons, ‘cuz they’re ransacking his family.
He NEEDS her to see that with unveiled eyes, ‘cuz he can’t make her; it’s gotta be her choice.
I’m betting he’s already thought his way through 1,001 scenarios, and it comes down to who’s gonna be the risk-taker to tell the woman, “Get help, or we’re stepping away from you until you do.”
He likely feels stuck; like he can’t step away, ‘cuz family logistics would throw all the weight on him, that social services would come out against him, and leave the kids in her “care,” and she’d feel hurt even MORE, which would give her MORE to blame on him, and maybe put him at risk of not seeing his own kids.
...
You’ve got yourself a LONG row to hoe.
The BEST “STEP 1” I could possibly think of: get that family to church.
No matter the past structure, you don’t need to nitpick about the sign at the curb, you need a thriving fellowship with Jesus alive in the place regularly; a bona fide spiritual ER, ‘cuz this case is in Critical Condition.
I took a scientific wild-ass guess and targeted Phoenix and environs; use the tools on the page to adjust the map as needed.
https://www.arcchurches.com/about/map?location=phoenix%2C+AZ&distance=50
LASTLY,
Top right of the page, click into the Religion forum, find today’s Prayer] thread and post your dilemma as a request for prayer. There’s more wisdom and power on-tap than any of us can muster on our own, and you stand in undeniable need.
Godspeed, sir.
F THAT! No Way get government involved.
Do you happen to know if either of them have “cheated”.....? That would be really useful info. (Also, does your son or anybody in your family ever visit this forum? That might be a good place to start.)
This is fascinating! (by the way)
Whatever advice I might offer regarding correction of the offender might get you in trouble. First, let’s rule out the easier methods of splitting two people up, or at least neutralizing the offender so that s/he can’t continue to offend.
PS: I never recommend divorce. It might be a good idea for them to separate for a time, but - just think - how would you feel seeing your kid, newly divorced from this she-devil, hooking up with the same kind of thing? Divorce is the absolute last thing that should be considered.
Had an abusive, narcissistic ex.
Read a few of these....
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/114362.Patricia_Evans
Document everything with video, then call a lawyer and demand visitation rights which may get CPS involved.
Or, apply for custody. It’s an impossibility, of course, but gets the legal system involved. You will automatically lose, until you show them video.
Insist you would prefer she get help, but now she will be under observation. Which may moderate her behavior.
Unless your son wants to divorce her, which is a talk you should have, the best you can do is apply for parental (grandparent) rights.
GET EVERYTHING ON VIDEO FIRST, they can’t ignore video. Consider hiring a detective to help you gather evidence.
That's a good way to get the grandkids taken away by the state.
Not in this state. The Grandparents are usually asked to take over the kids.........
Have his employer offer your son's wife a position in an organization that works to insure and defend the rights of Saudi women.
Arrange for your son's entire family move to Saudi Arabia.
Have the Saudis you have bribed, fix her wagon completely.
Have your son and grandchildren move back to America.
Butt Out.
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