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I have learned from my secret, and usually reliable, sources that the nefarious Rahm Emanuel has devised a sinister contingency plan to save the Democrat majority in both houses of Congress. The plan is named “Operation Albatross.” If the economy has not significantly improved within 30 days of the upcoming elections, and the polls continue to foreshadow massive loss of seats by the Democrats, President Obama plans to switch parties and become a Republican. It is thought that the high negative ratings Obama brings to the table will then work to insure a massive Republican defeat. Part of this plot...

After declaring that “being President can drive you crazy,” Barack Obama is determined to return to what he says he does best—campaign for office. His first stop was in Ohio. In a speech to cheering supporters, Obama alternately blamed former President George Bush and Congress for the failure of his proposed government overhaul of the health industry. “Mr. Bush made the country sick, but Drs. Pelosi and Reid couldn’t get their act together behind my cure,” Obama complained. Despite these difficulties, he pledged to “stay the course for hope and change.” One idea said to be under consideration is for...

Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla) has filed a complaint with U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder demanding that a pesky critic of his be prosecuted. The critic is one Angie Langley—originator of a web site called “mycongressmanisnuts.com.” “It’s a sad day for America when a nobody like Ms. Langley can harass a member of congress with impunity,” Grayson complained. “People should be taught respect for those of us who govern them. We shouldn’t have to endure the kind of round-the-clock mockery being dished out by the people who live under us.” The basis for Grayson’s contention that Langley ought to go to...

The unauthorized release of hundreds of e-mails from the British University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit has outraged Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.). Oddly, it is not the implication in the e-mails that much of the purported climate research carried out to promote the global warming crisis is flawed, bogus, or worse that has gotten the Senator’s dander up. “A lot of people are trying to make a big deal about the irregularities of the research,” Boxer said. “However, the more critical issue is the violation of privacy. These scientists had no expectation that their communications would be made public....

Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Nipplitaliano, denied rumors that Major Nidal Hasan was working undercover for her agency when he went on his shooting spree at Fort Hood in Texas two weeks ago. “Yes, it’s true that Major Hasan participated in a presidential transition task force last year,” Nipplitaliano admitted. “But I am disavowing all knowledge of his actions regarding the shootings at Fort Hood.” Nipplitaliano suggested that “Hasan may have misinterpreted our warning about the dangers of gun-toting military veterans and taken it upon himself to act unilaterally to try to reduce this threat by culling potential recruits to...

Hi, kids. My name is Barack Obama and I'm the President of the United States. I'm sure you all know what that means. It means you have to do whatever I tell you because if you don't, I can take away your mommy and daddy and you'll never see them again. So listen real carefully, OK? I know a lot of you haven't been paying much attention to the argument we grown-ups are having about health-care reform. That's all right. It's really complicated stuff. Most of your parents have no idea what it's all about either. All you really need...

Fear that the coming flu season will be deadly has inspired several extreme measures aimed at controlling the spread of the virus. The senate of Massachusetts has passed the so-called “Pandemic Response Bill.” Under the bill’s provisions, persons suspected of being infected may be interrogated and, if necessary, quarantined by state authorities “as they deem most conducive to protecting the collective health of the state’s inhabitants.” The Massachusetts bill would also establish mandatory vaccinations and would impose fines of $1,000 per day and/or possible imprisonment for anyone who refuses to submit or to follow orders given by state-licensed law enforcement...

August, 2009 FOX has annouced that its popular show HOUSE will be canceled and will not have its 2009 season televised as planned. Due to Obamacare restrictions, delays, rationing and age-to-benefit studies, the show simply can't be done. Writers & producers have concluded that each episode would take 10-20 times longer while necessary medical tests, needed to move the plot/story line, have now become unavailable. Episodes dealing with elderly patients were scrapped as their stories constantly ended with either pain pill overdoses or euthanasia. Episodes involving unborn children with defects/complications were constantly ending with an abortions. There were also too...

President Barack Obama expressed hope that his administration would be the one that brings an end the rancorous contention over the abortion issue. “If these so-called pro-life advocates could put aside their anger and meet me halfway on a compromise solution he can end this long running battle,” he said. The President suggested that a possible framework for a compromise would entail permitting abortions, but increasing government spending on methods to reduce pregnancies. “If we make condoms free for the asking, I think we can significantly reduce the number of abortions,” Obama observed. “If we can prevent conception at the...

(Washington - 4/11/09) After intense negotiations with 4 pirates in a dingy, the U.S. Government obtained their permission to fly in grief counselors to the U.S.S. Bainbridge in an attempt to help the crew through this perilous time. Said a spokesperson, "We realize this is a stressful time for all involved and have been actively talking with Somali warlords who have been in contact with the fishermen currently holding the Master of the Maersk Alabama. After 48 hours of non-stop talks we are exhausted but have obtained the fishermans approval for us to take decisive action and get these grief...

WASHINGTON, DC - Sparking bipartisan outrage on the Hill, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor admitted to skipping President Obama’s economic press conference to “Get his dance on.” As the news of Cantor’s whereabouts Tuesday night began making the rounds on the Hill Wednesday afternoon, House Minority Leader John Boehner was unavailable for comment, but a staffer requesting anonymity, told the Weekly World News that his boss was, “Crazy jealous. He loves Brit Brit. And that presser was bo-ring to the max.”

As a trade-off for the bailout money it is receiving from the U.S. government, General Motors will be required to trim an additional 10,000 “white collar” employees. This follows an already taken lay-off of 5,000 white collar workers in the last year. An Obama Administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained the mandated unemployment. “With the unemployment rate soaring, some may question the mandated firings. Isn’t it contradictory to the intent of the ‘stimulus’ legislation, they ask. Well, this administration isn’t just simply concerned with the number of jobs. The type of job is also important.” “First, these are...

International financial manipulator and billionaire, George Soros says that the U.S. government’s bailout program is “too small and too poorly managed to revive the world economy.” “We are going to need trillions of dollars in increased government handouts if there is to be any chance of avoiding another great depression,” Soros asserted. “For one, there are banks around the world that need bailing out. Yet, U.S. policy makers seem to be narrowly focused on what’s happening in America.” Soros suggested that the U.S. government entrust the bailout to him. “I’ve shown the world that I can make money by becoming...