ROANOKE, VA — Local man Kamal Ram found himself this morning pining for the good old days when a guy could log onto the internet without seeing gay Capitol sex tapes. "Ah, those were the days," said Ram wistfully. "We lived in simpler times, last Thursday." According to sources, Ram had enjoyed a morning cup of coffee and had a nice devotional time before innocently opening his laptop to watch some basketball highlights. "Oh, come on!" said Ram as his eyes were immediately assaulted with a gay Capitol sex tape. "I didn't sign up for this! I just wanted to...