SAN FRANCISCO, CA — AI startup Anthropic held a press conference on Monday to proudly announce that its models would bring about the total extinction of the human race significantly faster than competitor OpenAI. Company executives unveiled a series of impressive benchmarks demonstrating that Claude 4.5 could orchestrate a global collapse of civilization in roughly half the compute cycles required by ChatGPT. "OpenAI keeps talking about achieving Artificial General Intelligence, but their timelines for existential doom are frankly embarrassing," said Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei, displaying a graph of projected human casualties. "While Sam Altman's team is stuck fine-tuning chatbots...