Free Republic

<p>I decided to go scout the Miami Dolphins on Monday, to see how they look this year. This is important, because the Dolphins represent South Florida's manhood, and last season we had the same community testosterone level as the audience for a Barbra Streisand concert. The Dolphins lost 15 games and won only one, which I believe was against Princeton.</p>

<p>When we think of Wisconsin, we think of it as the nation's Heartland -- a placid place where you can park your car anywhere and leave it unlocked, with the key in the ignition, knowing that no matter how long you're gone, when you return your car will be covered with cheese.</p>

Block the road all nite BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 15, 2000.) According to a recent newspaper article that I carefully clipped out and then lost but I remember the gist of, traffic gridlock in the United States is very bad. It's getting to the point where many commuters arrive at work, use the bathroom, then immediately begin commuting home. FACT: The average American commuter whose car radio is tuned to a ''Classic Rock'' station spends more time singing along to the Kiss song ''Rock And Roll All Nite'' than talking with his...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 2, 2002.) It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash. Today we regret that we must begin our column with this: TERRORIST THREAT WARNING We have received some alarming information from very high sources in the federal government. Q. How high were they? A. They were wearing their...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 5, 2000.) Recently, I had a great idea while waiting on hold for Customer Service. That's pretty much all I do these days: wait for Customer Service. My call is important to them. They have told me this many times in a sincere recorded message. They can't wait to serve me! They will answer my call just as soon as they finish serving the entire population of mainland China. It's my own darned fault that I need to speak to Customer Service. We made a really stupid homeowner...

Get me rewrite! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.) On behalf of the newspaper industry (new, cost-cutting motto: ''All the News That''), I am announcing some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say ''serve you better,'' I mean ''increase our profits.'' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors. To help you better understand our current situation, let's review the history of newspaper finances: The earliest known newspaper, published in 59 B.C. in Rome,...

Dave Barry: How your taxes turn into manure Apr. 13, 2008 BY DAVE BARRY Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. But it's also time to file your federal tax return. Yes, this is a pesky chore, but remember that paying taxes is not a ''one-way street.'' When you send your money to the government, the government, in return, provides you with vital services, such as not putting you in prison. The government also uses your money to pay for programs that benefit...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 31, 2000.) Today's topic for homeowners is: how to install a tile floor. Any home decorator will tell you that there is nothing quite like a tile floor for transforming an ordinary room into an ordinary room that has tile on the floor. But if you're like most homeowners, you think that laying tile is a job for the ''pros.'' Boy, are you ever stupid! Because the truth is that anybody can do it! All it takes is a little planning, the right materials and a Fire Rescue...

Dave Barry: Put Florida primary in prime time -- and text in your vote Mar. 21, 2008 I got to thinking about the Florida primary election mess the other night when I was watching TV with my wife. Actually, she was reading a book, because she hates the way I watch TV. I follow Standard Guy Remote Control Procedure (SGRCP), which requires you go to the next channel the instant that the current channel commits one of the Deadly Channel Sins, such as showing a commercial, or people redecorating a house, or Howie Mandel. Anyway, I was whipping through the...

Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons: 1. You've been busy. 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family. 3. You haven't noticed any problems. 4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt. Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human,...

This time, music failed to soothe the savage beast BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 11, 2001.) It is a chilling question that we have all asked ourselves: What would we do if, God forbid, we had to get a squirrel out of a piano? This very question confronted an animal-control officer in Fairfax County, Va., recently, according to a news report from the Washington Post sent in by roughly two million alert readers. According to this report, the officer was responding to a report of ''a squirrel running inside a residence.'' When the...

Let's get the (birthday) party started right BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 2002.) TODAY'S PARENTING TOPIC IS: Planning a birthday party for your two-year-old child. The first thing you must decide, when planning a birthday party for a two-year-old, is: Should you invite the two-year-old? Because a child that age can put a real damper on a party. And probably your child doesn't really understand that he or she is turning two. One of the best things about small children is that they have no clue how time works. My two-year-old daughter...

The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 22, 2002.) I am not a fan of ballet. Now, before you members of the Dance Community get your leotards in a bunch, let me stress that I KNOW I AM WRONG. I know that ballet is a beautiful artistic form that requires great dedication and skill. I'm just saying that I, personally, would rather watch a dog catch a Frisbee. My problem -- and it's MY problem, NOT ballet's problem -- is that, because I am culturally...

Gender gap is a true gift Dave Barry This is the time of year when a lot of women (by which I mean my wife) complain that women do WAY more holiday stuff than men do. Which is true. On any given day during the holidays, my wife wraps more presents than I have wrapped in my entire life. In terms of cubic footage of stuff wrapped (CFSW), she has basically wrapped the planet Saturn. So she is definitely carrying more than her share of the holiday load. HOWEVER, when she was complaining about we were discussing this today, I...

It was a year that strode boldly into the stall of human events and took a wide stance astride the porcelain bowl of history. It was year in which roughly 17,000 leading presidential contenders, plus of course Dennis Kucinich, held roughly 63,000 debates, during which they spewed out roughly 153 trillion words; and yet the only truly memorable phrase emitted in any political context was ``Don't tase me, Bro!'' It was a year filled with bizarre, insane, destructive behavior, an alarming amount of which involved astronauts. In short, 2007 was a year of deep gloom, pierced occasionally by rays of...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 6, 2000) We have some important news for those of you who've been harboring an urge to eat poinsettias. This news comes from an article in the Harrisburg, Pa., Patriot-News, sent in by alert reader Karen Durkin. The article makes this fascinating statement: ''Despite persistent rumors, poinsettias are NOT poisonous. Ohio State University testing has found that a 50-pound child could eat more than 500 poinsettia bracts with no ill effects other than possibly a sick stomach from eating that much foliage.'' The two questions that immediately come...

Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called “mainstream” media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q’s submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave’s answers. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this. Some sample questions he has answered: Q Dave, there's a museum in Kentucky that claims...

I (cough) was a teenage smoker! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 17, 1995.) As a ranking national opinion-maker (currently in 1,539th place), I would like to do my part to get teenagers to stop smoking cigarettes. Ready? Here goes: You teenagers stop smoking right now!! There! Did that do the trick? I didn't think so. Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as ``a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.'' I can understand this. I was a young person once, shortly after the...

Great American turkeys BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 17, 1996.) Thanksgiving is a time of traditions, and there is no tradition more meaningful than the annual U.S. Department of Agriculture warning about fatal food-dwelling bacteria. This year, I'm pleased to report, the department has outdone itself: For the first time ever, the department has officially advised Americans not to stuff their turkeys. Many alert readers sent in an Associated Press item in which the manager of the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Meat and Poultry Hot Line -- whose name is (I am not...

'Einstein Gap': It's all relative BY DAVE BARRY Recently, I received a phone call from my son, Rob. It was a phone call that every parent dreads. That's right: My son told me that the universe does not exist. Or at least it does not in any way resemble my concept of it. According to Rob, I understand the universe about as well as a barnacle understands a nuclear aircraft carrier. I blame college. That's where Rob is getting these ideas, which have to do with Einstein's Theory of Relativity and something called ``quantum physics.'' Rob and his roommate, Hal,...