Dave Barry's Year in Review (2007)

It was a year that strode boldly into the stall of human events and took a wide stance astride the porcelain bowl of history.

It was year in which roughly 17,000 leading presidential contenders, plus of course Dennis Kucinich, held roughly 63,000 debates, during which they spewed out roughly 153 trillion words; and yet the only truly memorable phrase emitted in any political context was ``Don't tase me, Bro!''

It was a year filled with bizarre, insane, destructive behavior, an alarming amount of which involved astronauts.

In short, 2007 was a year of deep gloom, pierced occasionally by rays of even deeper gloom. Oh, sure, there were a few bright spots:

• Several courageous members of the U.S. Congress -- it could be as many as a dozen -- decided, incredibly, not to run for president.

• O.J. Simpson discovered that, although you might be able to avoid jail time for committing a double homicide, the justice system draws the line at attempted theft of sports memorabilia.

• Toward the end of the year, entire days went by when it was possible to not think about Paris Hilton.

• Apple released the iPhone, which, as we understand it, enables users to fly, cure cancer, read minds and travel through time.

• The plucky, lovable New York Yankees once again found a way, against all odds, to bring joy to the literally billions of people who do not root for them.

best lines in the piece:

the broadcasting industry is shocked, shocked, when radio personality Don Imus, who has spent several decades making and chuckling at crude racist statements, makes a crude racist statement about the Rutgers women's basketball team. The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are deeply offended and immediately set about the difficult but necessary work of drawing still more attention to themselves.

Democrats in Congress -- continuing to implement their policy of being passionately against the war while avoiding doing anything that might get them blamed for stopping the war -- vote to continue funding the war, but boldly enter many snippy remarks about it into the congressional record. President Bush receives this devastating news stoically, then goes ahead and makes his putt.

In other government action, the U.S. Senate discovers that its comprehensive immigration reform bill, despite having been painstakingly crafted behind closed doors by veteran bill-crafters, is unpopular with a segment of the U.S. population defined as ''the public.''

...the big story in politics is Idaho Sen. Larry ''Wide Stance'' Craig, who pleads guilty in August after being arrested in June for allegedly attempting to engage in acts of explicit filibustering with an undercover detective in a Minneapolis airport bathroom stall. Sen. Craig explains that, even though he pleaded guilty, he is innocent, but he promises that he will resign, a pledge he later clarifies by explaining that he will not resign.

...the big sports story is Michael Vick, whose guilty plea in connection with a dogfighting operation effectively ends his football career, costing him a fortune and setting a standard for moronic, immoral and self-destructive professional-athlete behavior that will take O.J. Simpson nearly a month to surpass.

In Washington, Congress once again tackles Iraq as Gen. David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker testify in Senate and House committee hearings totaling 16 hours, of which 11 hours are taken up by Joe Biden's welcoming remarks.

In politics, the race for the Democratic nomination heats up during a nationally televised debate when John Edwards and Barack Obama, in what political observers view as a thinly veiled attack on Hillary Clinton, repeatedly raise the issue of ankle size.

Dave Barry is a genius.

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